The best way to Get Your Ex Back Permanently with ease... just a few steps

Winning your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back isn’t really the hard part. The hard part is keeping them. After all, they left you once, what is to stop them from leaving you again? What is the point of getting your ex back if you can’t keep them PERMANENTLY?
My name is Kevin, and I am here to get through this painful breakup and hopefully get your ex back. I say hopefully because I can’t guarantee you that you will get your ex back. I can, however, guarantee that if you follow this plan, your chances of getting your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend back will increase significantly.

What This Article Is About?

This article is divided into 5 Steps. I have done so because this way you have a step by step plan that you can follow to get your ex back. It’s important to have a plan to follow, because after a breakup you are hurt, emotionally drained and most of all, confused. And during this state of confusion, you are bound to make a lot of mistakes that will actually hurt your chances of getting back together.
I have seen people make these mistakes over and over again (in my two years of experience helping people with breakups). Having a plan gives you a sense of direction and removes all the confusion. A plan will give you something to look forward to when you are feeling down and unsure about yourself. A plan will give you hope. This article is that plan.

But What Are These Mistakes You Talk About?

I am glad you asked because the first part of this guide is precisely about these mistakes.

STEP #1. The Instincts aka The Deadly Mistakes

I call this part “The Instincts” because all these mistakes are a direct result of people following their instincts. Most of the advice in this 5 Step Plan is counter-intuitive, but it works. When you read it, you will understand why and it will all start to make sense. So let’s start by going over the deadly mistakes that you should avoid at any cost.

Deadly Mistake #1: Calling And Texting Them All The Time

Kevin, we broke up 8 days ago. Since then, I have messaged him everyday constantly and he barely replies. I have to text him a hundred times before he replies just once. I really love him and want to be with him, but I don’t understand why he is acting like this. He said he loved me and then suddenly this.

That’s the story of around 80% of the people who are desperate to get their ex back. It’s a huge mistake to text and call your ex all the time. In fact, it’s a huge mistake to call them even once. Your instincts tell you that if you stay in contact with your ex, they will not forget about you and hopefully come back.

Even the calls that might seem casual to you, look needy and desperate to your ex.

But it doesn’t really work that way. In fact,  every time you call or text your ex, you are showing them you are a needy person and you are miserable without them. This neediness is unattractive and pushes your ex further away.
You should be extremely careful whenever you go out drinking. You might end up calling your ex and making a fool of yourself. So whenever you go out drinking, have a friend with you who can stop you from making this mistake.
But if I don’t call or text my ex, how can I get them back?
You should contact them in certain way that will make them feel attracted to you again. I explain exactly how to do this in Step 4.

Deadly Mistake #2: Begging And Trying To Use Pity

If begging worked after a breakup, no one will ever break up with anybody. They decided to leave you and they are prepared to go through your begging and pleading. Whatever the reason for breakup was, it’s not going to change with your begging. The only thing that begging will do is make you look like a weak and insecure person.

Unfortunately, humans don’t look as cute as cats while begging.

Similarly, your instincts will also make you believe that if you just show your ex that you can’t live without them, they will take you back.  Your thought pattern becomes something like

If he knows how miserable I am without him, he will come back.
If only she knows that I can’t continue my life without her, she’ll take me back.

Again, your instincts are screwing with you. Trust me, no one takes their ex back out of pity. No one is attracted to someone who is miserable. And even if your ex came back because of this, do you really want them to be with you just because of pity? Or do you want them to respect you and love you?

Deadly Mistake #3: Let Them Walk All Over You

Your instincts will tell you that if you just agree to everything your ex wants, they will come back. Your instincts will tell you that your needs, your values, your desires, your goals don’t matter. Your instincts will tell you that the only thing that matters is to get your ex back. And for that, you can sacrifice everything.

You let your ex walk all over you. You become a doormat. You agree to the most ridiculous demands your ex has. But your instincts tell you, it’s OK. Because having your ex in your life is the only thing that matters.
Well, guess what?
Agreeing to everything your ex says is not going to bring them back. In fact, it’s only going to make your ex respect you less. Nobody wants to be with someone they don’t respect. And even if they do come back, they will leave shortly realizing they have no respect for you as a person.

Deadly Mistake #4: Showering Them with Affection

Your instincts tell you that if your ex just realizes how much you love them and how much you care about them, they will come back. You just need to make them believe that no one in the world will ever love them the way you do. How can they reject you once they realize how much you love them, Right?

The truth is, they already know that you love them, how much you adore them and how much you care about them. But they still decided to breakup. Showering them with affection is not going to help you. In fact, the more you smother them, the more trapped they’ll feel. And that will just make them want to get away from you as soon as possible.

Deadly Mistake #5: Freaking Out When Your Ex Starts Dating

The thought of your ex being with someone else is a gut wrenching one. But in reality, it’s not that bad as we make it out to be. We will get into that but before that that let’s take a look at how your instincts react when you find out your ex is dating someone else.

If I don’t do anything right now, they’ll fall in love with this new person and forget about me forever. I better go over there and do everything that this article has told me not to do. Including begging, using pity, telling them how much I love them, agreeing to all their conditions (be a doormat). And if they don’t open the door, I’ll just stand outside and call and text them all day. It will be even better to tell my ex how this new person is totally wrong for them and what a big mistake they are making by being in a relationship with this _______(INSERT DEROGATORY REMARK).

If you didn’t realize it by now, your instincts and your mind go into panic mode when you find out your ex is dating someone new. In most cases, you freak out and make all the mistakes mentioned above.
The truth is, your ex is most probably in a rebound relationship (Read: Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs). And almost all of the rebound relationships end sooner rather than later. It sucks, but rebound relationships are a way for many people to deal with breakups. Fortunately for you, it’s one of the most ineffective way to move on. So, just because they are in a rebound relationship doesn’t mean they will forget about you and move on. In fact, it just means the opposite. It means that they are having a hard time moving on and as long as they are in this rebound relationship, they can’t work on moving on with their life.

A rebound relationship is like a cigarette. It’s unhealthy. It provides a false sense of calmness. And it ends when the flame is over. (the faster you smoke the faster it ends)

The most important thing for you to do while your ex is in a rebound relationship is be cool about it. Whatever happens, do not tell your ex to break up with their rebound partners. Let it be their idea. They have a huge hole in their life after breaking up with you which they are trying to fill with someone new. They will soon realize that a rebound relationship can not fill the emptiness and they will end the relationship. (Do you think his relationship is not just a rebound? Read How To Get Your Ex Back When He Has Moved On To a New Girlfriend.)

What If You’ve Already Made These Mistakes?

Chances are, you’ve already made at least one of these mistakes after the breakup. Don’t worry, even the wisest monks in the Himalayas and masters of psychology from Harvard usually end up making these mistakes after a breakup. It’s just in the nature of human beings to try and hold on to something that is precious to them. So don’t beat yourself over it. The most important thing for you to do right now is to realize that these mistakes will not help you get him or her back and stop doing them right away. Move on to the next step of the plan which is going to repair all the damage you’ve caused till now.

STEP #2. No Contact aka Give Yourself Time And Space

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule. It’s simple and a very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

• No Calling
• No Texting
• No Facebook Messaging
• No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter)
• No “accidentally” bumping into them (you know what that means)
• No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex

Why are we doing this?

For three reasons
1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

3. You must become an attractive happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and being an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. (If you’d like to read more about why you should do this, read this article.)

How long is the no contact period?

Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.
However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.
Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.
If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over there. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.
It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.  Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.(Read more about the no contact rule here.)

STEP #3. Taking Care of Yourself aka What to do in No Contact

This is the part where most people screw up. No contact will be of no use unless you try to make a positive change in your life during this time. If you just want to stay at home and just be miserable for the next one month, things are not going to change even after no contact period. Yes, you need to grieve after a breakup and yes, there’s some benefit in spending some time alone, grieving and analyzing your relationship. But, at one point you have to go out there and do something with your life.

Positive Changes In Your Appearance

Making a positive change in your physical appearance is going to give you a fresh look. You are going to feel new and you are going to feel better. And when your ex sees you after the no contact period, they are going to see a new you. Here are a few things you can do.

• Get a haircut. Just go to a hairstylists and find out what is in fashion these days.
• Get your teeth cleaned. A beautiful smile is very attractive.
• Get in the best shape of your life. Go to the gym and sweat it out. This is also great for your mental health as working out releases endorphins which make you happy.
• Get new clothes. They will definitely make you feel better about yourself.

Whatever you do, don’t do anything drastic right now. You don’t want to make any physical changes right now that you might regret for the rest of your life (like getting a tattoo of a broken heart).

Positive changes in your mentality

Being a happy and confident person is probably the most important thing when it comes to getting your ex back. You need to realize that happiness and confidence is something that you can get by working on yourself.  Here are a few ideas that will help you gain more confidence and become a happier person.

Instead of sitting at home eating ice cream and watching TV, go out and do something to make yourself feel better.

1. Give yourself some time to grieve. I know how hard it is to be happy after a breakup. I remember I was a complete mess for at least two weeks. I didn’t sleep properly, didn’t eat properly, and I was just thinking about my ex girlfriend all day. In a way, this period is necessary for you. You give yourself some time to grieve everyday. If you want to feel sad and sorry for yourself, go ahead and do it. But make sure you also do something everyday to make yourself feel good about yourself.
2. Write in a journal. Write your thoughts and your feelings down. Writing is therapeutic and it’s probably going to help you release all those emotions from inside.
3. Go out with friends. Spend time with your loved ones. Your friends and family are the people who are always there for you and who always love to spend time with you. Go out and have a good time with them.
4. Do some meditation. Be aware of yourself. Know your weaknesses and strengths. Be proud of yourself. Accept yourself for who you are. That’s what confidence is all about. Neediness (which is very attractive) comes from doubts within yourself. Whereas confidence comes from awareness and accepting yourself.
5. Go out on a date. This is absolutely essential and if you are reading this, then I will recommend that you definitely go out on a few dates before ending no contact with your ex. It’s absolutely imperative for you to get some perspective right now and meeting new people is the best way to do it.

Analyzing Your Relationship

You have to ask yourself this question, why do you want to get back with your ex? If you answered something like

I love him/her.
I can’t live without him/her.
I am miserable without my ex.
He/She was the only one for me.
I can’t imagine a life without my ex.

Then you are still suffering from post-breakup denial and bargaining. Denial and bargaining are two of the many stages of grief after breakup. And it’s extremely common for everyone to want to get their ex back after a breakup. However, it’s not always the right choice.
For example, even if your relationship with your ex was abusive, you might want to rekindle it just because you are missing. Our mind often confuses the act of missing someone with “love”. It’s normal to miss someone after you’ve been with them for a long time. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you still love them.
Look at it like this, every relationship has problems, fights, and disagreements. But if you two broke up, then there was something very wrong with your relationship. You need to analyze what went wrong and realize whether or not it’s a good idea to get back together.

Are you sure your ex didn’t have any cons?

If you think with your heart, you will just hear that you love your ex and you want them back. Instead, try to think with your mind. Be logical. Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship. Analyze the pros and cons of your ex. Analyze what your goals in life are and whether or not the relationship with your ex aligns with those goals.(Read: Should You Get Your Ex Back?)
Remember, your ex will not make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. And the only way you can do it is by realizing your purpose and your goals in life and pursuing them.
Do you really think you can have a happy and long lasting relationship with your ex?
Do you really think that the reason you broke up is no big deal?
You are making a huge decision right now. So you better make sure that it is the right one. You have 30 days to do it, so don’t rush into it. Take your time. Relax and do things that make you feel better. When you start being happy in life without your ex, you will realize whether or not getting your ex back is the right decision. And that is extremely important before you move on to the next step, which is contacting your ex.

STEP #4. Contacting Your Ex aka Re-attraction

Remember when your ex left you? They thought of you as a needy, clingy and desperate person with little to no self-respect. After not being in contact with you for a while, they must be wondering what the heck happened to you. They will slowly start to forget that image of yours (the needy desperate one) and start remembering the things they liked about you. They will start remembering the things that they found attractive in you.
And that’s when you contact them, you talk to them and then meet them. Just as they lay eyes on you, BOOM. That’s the new and improved you. YOU version 2.0. They can’t help but wonder what brought so much positive change in you.

“You look amazing. You smell amazing. You look like you are doing great in your life. You look like you’ve been working out. You look happy. You look confident, sexy, fun and attractive. You look like a catch. Why did I break up with you again?” – Your Ex

For that to happen, you need two things.

1. You should actually bring a positive change in your life and become a confident, happy and attractive person.
2. You should contact your ex and meet them somewhere.

If you have been following this guide till now, then you know how to go about the first point. So, let’s get straight to the second point.

Contacting Your Ex

Before you contact your ex, here is a checklist of things you need to make sure you’ve done.

• You followed the no contact rule for at least one month. (Read about The No Contact Rule here.)
• You are no longer a mess as you were after the breakup.
• You have made a few positive changes in your life.
• You are absolutely sure that getting back with your ex is a good decision. (Find Out here.)
• You have gone on at least one date during no contact.

Now, there are two ways that you can contact your ex. One is through a letter or email, and the other one is through text messages. You can also call your ex but I recommend you first build up some attraction using text messages and letter  before calling them.

The Letter

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a hand written letter in the mail?

A hand written letter is a great way to contact your ex right after you’ve finished no contact. A hand written letter stands out in this age of digital technology. Of course, you can use an email as well.
This letter has three purposes.

1. To let your ex know that you have accepted the breakup. And you think that it’s for the best. (You are letting them know that you are no longer the needy desperate person who was refusing to accept the breakup.)
2. To apologize for any of your inappropriate behavior after the breakup. (You want to make sure that everything from the past is forgiven and forgotten.)
3. To let them know of something exciting that is happening in your life. Don’t reveal too much here. Just tell them something good is happening in your life. You’d love to talk about it, but not now. Because you both need some space and time. (You want to give them something to chew on. They will be thinking about what’s happening in your life and will want to call or text you to talk about it. You are using curiosity to get your ex contact you. Of course, something must be happening in your life. That’s why creating a positive change in your life is absolutely important before contacting your ex.)

If you want a sample letter written for you, you can find in Step 5.

The Text Messages

Text messages should ideally be used after sending the hand written letter to build up attraction. You can even skip the hand written letter and move on directly to text messages. You know your situation and your ex better than anyone, so it’s your decision whether or not you want to use just text messages, just the letter, or both. But I highly recommend you use either one or both of these before actually calling your ex.
Text messages are great for building attraction with your ex. They are short, they are personal and you can be sure they will read your texts. If used correctly, you can condition your ex to light up in excitement whenever they see a message from you.

It doesn’t matter where they are, your text will reach them and they will be excited to get a text from you.

The key to using text messages is to be very subtle. Never ever directly talk about your feelings or about your relationships. You want them to associate text messages to something positive and fun. Here are the rules for texting your ex.
Never send them an empty message. An empty message is something that doesn’t say anything and doesn’t give your ex anything to talk about. For example

“Hey”
“Hey, How are you?”
“I miss you”
“:)”

Never ever talk about your feelings and about getting back together.

“I love you”
“I miss you”
“I want you back in my life”
“I am miserable without you”

Never argue or say something negative over text.

“If you had just shown a little more effort, we could have been great together.”
“Your child misses you. You are terrible father to leave him like that.”

Now here are a few things that you should do while using text messages.
Something happened in your life that reminded you of them.

“Hey, I just watched the new season of Arrested Development. It reminded me of you. I actually had a smile on my face. :)”
“Hey, I just read the new Harry Potter book. I am so glad you never told me the ending. Thanks :)”

Remind them of good moments you had together.

“Hey, I was just thinking about the time we went skydiving together. Man, that was exciting. I am glad we did that. “
“Hey, remember the little restaurant where we had our first anniversary date? I just crossed it and it looks like they are closing down. It’s a shame because we had such a great time that day.”

Let them know you are having fun with your life and meeting new people.

“Hey, I just saw a romantic movie with a friend. The ending reminded me of you.“
“Hey, I am going to Hawaii for the weekend with a friend. Do you remember the name of the hotel we stayed in when we went last year?”

Now there are tons of other things you can do with texts. But the key point remains the same. Be subtle. Be positive. Be fun.
Right now, you just want to go from the creepy ex to a fun text buddy. Of course, you will be moving things forward slowly. When you think it’s the right time, go ahead and ask them out.

Asking Your Ex Out

Do not call it a date. I repeat. Do not call it a date. If you do, your ex will put their defenses up faster than Garfield finds Lasagna. You don’t want them thinking that you are looking to get back together. At least not now. You want them to go out with you as a friend. And then you can build up attraction while you are with them.
If you’ve done your homework correctly, you will be oozing confidence and attractiveness out of every inch of your body. And this works doubly as effective on your ex than any other person. Why? Because they were already attractive to you at one point in time. And you are not a stranger to them. You are someone familiar who looks very attractive.
The best way to ask them out is to give them a call. It’s possible they might require a slight push. A simple “come on, it’ll be fun.” Or “Hey, it’s just coffee. What’s the harm?” should be sufficient.
However, don’t go overboard in pushing them. Like”Come on. Just go out with me once. Please. Pretty please.” Or “You broke up with me and broke my heart. The least you can do is go out with me one time.”
Remember, your ex doesn’t owe you anything. You have to treat them like an acquaintance you want to get close with.

On the Date

Ideally, you want it to be your ex’s idea to get back together. You just want to be yourself (attractive, fun, happy, and awesome). Do not talk about your past relationship or your breakup. It will lead to no good. That relationships is over and if you two do get back together, it will be a new relationship. There is no point digging old graves when you want to start a new life.

STEP #5. The Grind aka The Ninja Techniques

OK, even though this guide is quite long and covers most of what you need to know on this subject, there are a lot of topics that are not covered here.
Since trying to get your ex back takes time and going through the no contact period is an everyday struggle, I’ve designed Part 5 of this guide to be an email series.

What do you get?

One inspiring, helpful , insightful and motivating email everyday. I have helped thousands of people (somewhere around 50,000) with these emails. The reason why these everyday emails are so effective is because you get a small dose of inspiration, motivation and useful information every day.The no contact period is the most important part of the plan and with Part 5, you will get support during the no contact period.
More importantly, I reveal a lot of secret tactics and tricks that are not mentioned in this guide. Like

• Using Pattern Breaking
• Understanding the reason why your ex broke up and what to do about it.
• What to do if your ex is dating someone else
• How to write that hand written letter
• And a lot more.

So, go ahead and click on the appropriate link below and get Part #5 for absolutely free.

Men Click Here

Women Click Here

382 comments… add one

• T
  hey kevin. i was following the things you said about the ‘no contact’ rule but in the mean time my ex girlfriend started to call and text me randomly once a while about irrelevant issues. And, i didn’t know how to respond. What i did yesterday was that i told her someone called and told me that she has started something new like moving on. When i said this,she just said it is not true but in the evening she texted me that i and her are over for good and she has moved on and i should not try to control her or to spy on her. She also said that she has been trying to be nice for me but i am still the same man.
  Finally,she said ‘please don’t call and good bye’ then i replied her that it is not only her who doesn’t want this r/ship. I am also done long ago and i just wanted to be certain. i also wrote her that have decided that she can not be my wife and i don’t want any call or text from her. it has been a month since we broke up and we have been together for about three and half years. i believe she still has feelings for me but i don’t know how to do things right. please i need to know what i should do next kevin. thank you
  Reply Link
  • admin
    Hey T,
    She definitely still has emotions for you and she is somehow hoping for you to change and be someone she can start a relationship with, just so she doesn’t have to move on. It’s a hard thing to get over a breakup. She is confused and is angry that she can’t move on from you. I guess you just need to stay away from her for a while and when you contact her again, don’t treat her like you have a past with her or that she owes you anything at all. Treat her like she is a girl you want to start a NEW RELATIONSHIP with. Treat her like she has already moved on and so have you.
    Reply Link
• nick
  Hi kevin,
  Me and my ex broke up 9 days ago after 6 years together. I made some horrible mistakes and she finally had enough. But we are both fighting to stay sober and go to the same aa meetings. What do I do if I run into her at one of these meetings?
  Reply Link
  • admin
    Hey Nick,
    Just be pleasant and don’t talk about anything personal. Just treat her like an old acquaintance you are in good terms with. If she avoids you, don’t try to go over to her and talk to her. If she avoids talking to you, you avoid talking to her. IF she talks to you, you be cordial and friendly but don’t talk to her for more than 5 minutes at a time.
    Reply Link
• jessica
  hey kevin
  about a month ago, my ex and i broke up after a year. he has entered a new relationship. i was always the needy and clingy girl doing all the things youve said not to do. crying, begging, continuous text messages, trying to “bump into him” while hes trying to avoid seeing me. He tells everyone he never loved me. He texts me from time to time picking for something to argue and downtalk me about. Whenever he gets in contact with me he tells me how perfect his new girlfriend is and it makes me feel horrible. i was very happy with him and for some reason still havent lost hope. He makes sure that we are not in contact nor do we run into eachother. What should i do? is there hope? by the way, he lives across the sidewalk from me but i never see him at home because rumor is he lives with his new girlfriend!!
  Reply Link
  • admin
    Hey Jessica,
    Yes there is hope. I think he still has feelings for you which makes him confused and angry, hence the arguing and trying to make you jealous. If I had to guess, I’ll say he is young and pretty immature. The best thing you can do about this situation is be mature and calm about everything. Just follow the plan and don’t answer his texts or calls for a month and then take it from there.
    Reply Link
    • Joe
      Hey,
      I broke up with my ex about two months ago and she was heartbroken- she begged a bit, tried to meet up with me, and I felt terrible and held my grounds. My reasons were stupid and simply for space. We dated a little over two years, lived together, and had a serious bond. After about a month without her and not hearing with her, I started to really miss her. One day I found out she is dating someone with similar interests, who is definitely not her type and I freaked out. Called her a few times, emailed, and she called me back with a serious deal of confidence in her voice- basically very angry and hurt. she cried and told me that she could never trust me again. I sent her flowers the following week that simply said “thinking about you” she drunk dialed me that might and let her guard down for two seconds until I spilled my heart out- she then shut down, became defensive, and wanted nothing to do with me. I’ve been doing the no contact thing for over 2 weeks, and plan to mail her a letter in a few more weeks. I feel like she is trying to put me through the same pain, and thinks I am doing this for the wrong reasons, which I’m not. Any advice?
      Thanks,
      Joe
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      • Kevin
        Hey Joe,
        To be honest, even I think you are doing this for the wrong reason. You decided to breakup with her and when you realized that she is moving on, you want her back. It’s a classic case of “not wanting to lose an ex” rather than “I think me and my ex will have a great relationship together”. But I might be wrong. So my advice is to follow the no contact rule and think real hard if you are doing it for the wrong reason and whether or not you can really commit to her. If not, let her go.
        Reply Link
        • Joe
          Kevin,
          I appreciate the advice- this is basically what I’ve been doing. I’ve changed my daily routines and have analyzed our differences and reasons for splitting. I haven’t spoken to her in about 3 weeks, and wonder if she’s over me. She told
          Me last time we spoke that she could never trust me again, I guess I can’t blame her completely for having that view. But people do make mistakes. I truly think we can make things work for the better with compromise and starting fresh- taking baby steps. I plan to mail her a letter which will say what you had advised, let her know that I understand her moving on, as I will be doing the same. I also want to remind her of the good times- because whether it works out or not, I want her to look back on our relationship with a smile (not sure about texting). Any advice would be helpful, and I really appreciate it!
          Joe
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        • Kevin
          Sounds good. Texting is helpful in my experience to build attraction and remind her of the good times. You can do it subtly with texting. But in the end, you know her better than anyone so it’s your call.
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        • Joe
          Hey Kevin,
          I’m about a week away from the no contact period ending.. I will probably wait a little longer than 30 days. My ex is pretty angry with me and is dating someone else, like I said. I do plan to reach out soon, but something came up. She just lost a very close family member and I feel like I have to send my condolences- I thought of sending a simple card, or shooting an email- any advice? I just feel like ignoring it for my own reasons would be very selfish. Please let me know! Thank you.
          Joe
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• Frank
  Hey,
  Me and my ex broke up in November and I did everything wrong, she asked me to stop texting her and calling. That I had issues and she also did and we just needed to fix them. Then maybe in the future we can get back together. She has done this many times and I thought it was just like the others. I moved out and everything was cool. We would text back and fourth nothing serious just talking. Well one day she called and asked me to come back and I said no(idk why). I told her I was trying to fix my issues so when I come back. I would be the man she met and fell in love with. Well after that she grew this hate for me. She told me that all communications need to stop and to go find myself. Well at first I was confused but when we didn’t respond I did a lot of dumb stuff. The following week she got a bf and I think moved him in. I asked her about it and she said it’s none of my business and I need to move on. Well I got real Desperate and I just couldn’t stop, her sister husband invited me to a cook out and I went only on the condition that she wouldn’t be there. She showed up with him and her sister told her that it’s too soon and that I can stay and she needs to leave. Let’s just say the hate grew. She called me as soon as she left and I had to hang up the phone. Then the I hate you text and stay away I don’t ever wanna run into you again. I tried bro but I couldn’t stop texting her and when I would go days she would text me just some hateful stuff. She would send me pics of her hugged up on guys that wasn’t her bf. nothing nasty. I still wasn’t hateful or anything. I was still texting her but no response. Then I did something that I wish I never did.
  She hates meth with a passion. Well I had a problem with it and that’s what I was fixing, I’ve been clean ever since I moved out. That’s why we split cuz of the severe depression and mood swings it causes. I was doing it behind her back. Well I told her if she ever wanted to know why we had problems to ask and I will tell her. Well no response at first until 3 am she asked me. And I told her, I’m not sure what I thought was gonna happen but she freaked out. Said that I don’t deserve any chances and that I was a junkie. When I died she would rejoice cuz the world would be better without a piece of shit like me in it. You see even though I had a problem, I was still a good man. Took care of her kids and mine and everything else. Her family loves me and just couldn’t believe it. The drug only effected me and her relationship, I was near perfect with everything else. Well anyways back to the subject, on Christmas I kinda freaked out and email her on fb. A lot actually, so she started posting pics of them two and that’s the last time we talked. She blocked me. Is there any hope for this relationship. We both think that we are meant for each other. Her love is the best I ever felt and she said that she has never loved someone like the way she loves me. Did I totally f this up or can I save it
  Reply Link
  • admin
    Hey Frank,
    Sorry you are in this situation, but I think there is hope. Of course, I can’t guarantee you anything. But the best thing you can do right now is apply NC for a while (30 or 60 days) and then contact her again using one of the text messages in the article. The fact that she hates you is not a bad sign. In fact, it just means that she still has feelings for you and probably still loves you. With time, her anger will subside. And the you should contact her. Also, kudos on being clean. All the best!
    Reply Link
• Jen
  Hey,
  My ex boyfriend broke up with me almost two months ago. We dated for two years and he ended it because I was his first girlfriend and he “wonders what else is out there.” He says that if he feels like he’s supposed to be with me in the future, he’ll come back. But he NEEDS to be with another girl first. I can’t stand the thought of that. For the first few weeks we texted non stop. I panicked, a begged, I came up with everything I could to try and get him back. But eventually he just started ignoring me. Now that it’s been a couple months, we only talk here and there. Like he texted me Merry Christmas and little stuff like that. I ran into him at a party and we just hung out like acquaintances but we stared at each other a lot. When he left, we talked and laughed a little about the awkward situation and then he hugged me goodbye. That made me tear up a little and he noticed.. He asked if I was okay, and then left. He then texted me and apologized for hugging me and said that it was too much.. We talked a little about that night and I stopped replying. It’s been almost two weeks since the party and now there is a New Years party with the same mutual friends tonight. I don’t know what to do. Is there hope for us? How do I go about this?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Jen,
    Sorry I couldn’t get back to you in time. I hope things went well. Anyways, he has what is usually known as GIGS (Grass is greener syndrome). To be honest, I think you should just let him have his adventure and realize on his own whether or not he wants to come back. You should follow the plan, but make sure you never force him to get back together. And make sure it’s his idea to get back together.
    If you want to have a long and healthy relationship with him, then he needs to be absolutely sure that he wants you and only you. If he constantly keeps wondering what other girls are like, you will never have him 100%. This might be a blessing in disguise. If he comes back, you know you have him 100%. If he doesn’t, then it’s for the best and you should concentrate on moving on.
    Reply Link
• Jessica
  Hey, Me and my boyfriend have been broken up for about 2 weeks. He broke up with me. He still kinda calls because he still wants to be friends but he wants to have sex as well. The strange thing is he act s like he cares. For example, he will ask if I had any guys over and give me rules. Also he said we should have sex until we get boyfriends/girlfriends but I want him and I would feel used doing this. Please help thanks.
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  • Kevin
    Hey Jessica,
    So he broke up with you but he still has you. He doesn’t want you to have any guys and gives you rule because he is treating you as his property, not as someone he loves and wants to spend his life with. Cut contact with him. Concentrate on yourself. Start dating other guys. And DO NOT sleep with him unless he commits.
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• M
  Hey Kevin,
  My girlfriend broke up with me 5 days ago. We had been together for three and a half years. I will try your 5 step plan. Since both of our birthdays are during the next month (during the No Contact period), I was wondering what should I do if she texts me or calls me during mine, and what should I do when it is hers? My birthday is next week and hers is almost at the end of the NC period. Thank you for your time.
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  • Kevin
    If she calls you, answer her call. But keep the conversation short and end it within 2-3 minutes. Just tell her you are busy and you have to go. Don’t make any plans for calling in the future like “I’ll call you back” or “Call me back after an hour”. If she texts you, you can reply to her message with a simple thank you, nothing more.
    As for her birthday, it’s your call. If you choose to contact her, I’ll suggest just a text. No phone calls.
    Reply Link
• Valerie
  I didn’t break up with my bf but i really want to .I love this man and he broke my heart .i cry i try talking to him about us but he is selfish .and that really turning me away.
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  • Kevin
    Hey Valerie,
    I know how heartbreaking it is to be in your situation. If he is not making any effort to make the relationship work, then you should break up with him.
    Reply Link
• Sam
  Great information and advice here. I’m currently doing the no contact rule for the next 30 days, which will end around her Birthday, would it be ok to send her Bday flowers, platonically?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Sam, Birthday flowers are a little too much. If you absolutely must contact her, Just a text message wishing her happy birthday should be enough.
    Reply Link
• Crista
  Thank you for the great advice. I have plans to go out of town this month and next month with my ex prior to our break up. We broke up this past Sunday because my body is having major trouble handling alcohol and we have been looking into it as we think it may be a more serious underlying issue since I rarely drink…but when I do it can be bad, I had tests done yesterday. We went out for the night Sat because he planned it and even though I paced myself slowly I blacked out when we got back to his place and apparently had a really rough night yelling at him and his friend not to touch me, told him that I hated him, threw up in his bed and he stayed up watching me to make sure I was breathing (I only drank a few beers to show you how bad my tolerance is and this is the worst its ever been). Nothing I had any intentions or any knowledge of doing. He also knows I didn’t want to go out. I believe 100 percent in the no contact rule and although I did talk to him Sunday, not Monday but we talked about my Drs Visit on Tuesday he was very cold and all he could do is bring up the negative. I kind of go a step further as I will never contact an ex after the first couple days unless they contact me and when I did contact him I did not sound needy and I did not mention the trips we have planned. Im a little upset myself that he wouldn’t support me through this, I am far from an alcoholic I have just had some past medical issues that could be tied into this problem. If I drink it is only because he is pouring me a glass or buying me a beer. So I removed his numbers, email and pics from my phone as I don’t want to get weak. I told him Im never drinking again and this is true and he said after what he saw it scared him so bad he is never drinking again and as much as he likes me he cannot handle the falling down belligerence, etc. So I replied that I do not think that us drinking twice a month should label me as anything and if it was in reverse I would support him and help him maintain a healthy lifestyle. You are correct with all he is thinking about is the negativity associated with the breakup.
  So the clincher is the trip at the end of the month is my Christimas present, the trip next month we booked 2 days before the breakup. If he contacts me about going I’m going to have to make contact with him. Would this be ok? If not I am fully prepared to never make contact. I think if it is meant to be he will come back. He is wealthy and good looking and can have anyone he wants but that isn’t what he wants and he is used to everyone crying over him and texting him forever but its really not my style. If I was really as different as he said I was he will want to help me through this and be by my side. I may be wrong and feel free to let me know
  Thanks so much!
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    You are absolutely right and I love your attitude towards your breakup. If he asks you to go on the trip with him, then it’s pretty clear that he is thinking about getting back together. I’d say go with him. If you want, you can ask him about his intentions before agreeing to go with him.
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    • Crista
      Thank You for the advice!
      Reply Link
• Ric
  Hi kev,
  I have been split up with my ex for about 5 months now, after being together for 6 months. When we broke up I tried the no contact for a few weeks but she contacted me asking to give some that I left over at hers.This is when I started doing most of the mistakes mentioned. Basically trying to hard, with a txts, gifts ect.
  We have been in contact over Christmas and new year, just wishing each the best for each occasion. But she has just started to see someone else now, and it’s like we a distant memory now. Is there any hope left, or should I give up?
  P.s it’s also my birthday in the next few weeks, if I start the no contact for 30 days do I ignore her if she txts me happy birthday?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Yes there is hope. It’s quite possible she is in a rebound. I say follow the plan once and see if it works. If not, move on.
    As for the text. If you reply, just make sure you limit yourself to a simple thank you.
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• Allyssa
  My ex and I broke up almost a month ago. I did wrong things but he blamed me for everything turns out he is “in love” with a younger girl and wanted to be with her. We still live together bc I can not afford to move out and we have a dog together. I haven’t been contacting him bc he has been staying with her. She came over to our apartment the other day and sprayed her perfume all over the bed, pillows, and my clothes… I think they wanted a reaction and I didn’t give them one or even contact him.. but he saw I washed the sheets. I miss him and want to be with him… what should I do?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Allyssa,
    Sorry you are in this situation. What she did was pretty immature and very disrespectful. I am glad you didn’t give them a reaction that they wanted. It’s a very hard situation because you are living together. If it’s at all possible, move out of the house. Don’t stay in hopes that he will come back to you because you are staying in the house. Your chances of getting back together will increase if you find your own place.
    It’s possible that he is in a rebound. But I will suggest that you stay away from him for a few months on concentrate on yourself. I know it’s hard to do when you are living together, but it’s still possible. Start living your life and start working on your happiness. Treat him like he is a roommate that you are stuck with. Be polite and don’t expect anything from him that you wouldn’t from a roommate. If there is a spare bedroom use it. If not, make a place for yourself to sleep. Do not sleep with him.
    It’s a tough situation but you can still manage to apply no contact (or limited contact in your case) and work on your happiness.
    Reply Link
    • allyssa
      Hey Kevin.
      Thank you for that. It is very hard. It all started because I planned a trip home for the holidays bc I wanted to see my family. I moved to Florida with him and I have no one here. I feel betrayed, tossed to the curb, and replaced by a girl who knows he broke up with me to be with her. He asked me why I didn’t say the stuff she says to him.. Shes 20..im 26 and I have started my career. He is still a server and works really hard but I could care less. During my trip home, she was over at our apartment the whole time. I broke into his phone and found a naked picture of her in our bed. I didn’t contact him, freak out, or even mention it until the day he picked me up at the airport and was telling me he missed me and blah blah. He’s been staying with her all week and ive been going out and doing my own thing. I had to text him today a quick text just saying ” Hey I wont be home tonight please take care of the dog” and that’s it. My friends say I better never get back with him after everything he has put me threw. Am I doing the right thing by not reacting to her immaturity? Am I doing the right thing by not throwing a fit? I did cry, and beg, and all of that the first few weeks. I became pale, and sick, and really skinny. He made it a point to tell me I wasn’t looking good. I don’t know if its a rebound because he was seeing her before we broke up and now they are saying ‘I love you” after a month and his family knows about her. I am doing my best to find a place to live and to move on but I am afraid I am being weak because I haven’t yelled or put my foot down about being disrespected by her coming over to our apartment.
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      • Kevin
        In my opinion, it’s not a weakness to stay calm and in control of yourself. Yelling and throwing a fit on the other hand is a sign of weakness. So, yes you are doing the right thing by not reacting to her immaturity. I think you are handling it very well.
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        • Allyssa
          Thank you for everything Kevin! One last question, do you think he will come back or I can get him to come back?
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        • Kevin
          Like I mentioned in the article, I can’t say for sure. But yes, I think there is a chance he will realize what he has lost and come back. You have hope, but you need to remember that no matter what happens, you should put your happiness before him. If trying to get him back is keeping you unhappy and obsessed about him, then you should give up and try to move on.
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• S
  My ex gf broke up with me almost two weeks ago. She said to me she wanted “time and space” and that she wanted no contact. Also not to wait around for her because she can’t guarantee anything as she is battling demons. However she did say she missed me. What’s your best advice here Kevin? I’m in a week of no contact since I last made contact also. Thanks
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    She needs time and space, so you give it to her. Let her face her demons alone. There’s nothing you can do to help her unless she wants your help. Follow the plan and contact her after around 30-60 days.
    Reply Link
• Maria
  Hi
  We broke up a week ago after a 2 yr relationship, in one year I was pregnant twice and lost both babies late term and a month later I’m pregnant again, he says he wants time on his own and space which I understand but then tells me he can’t see his life without me and that he can never say we will be in a relationship again! He just keeps saying he wants time on his own but can not physically block my number as he says it’s too hard! He says that he always wants to be a part of the babies when they arrive (twins) ,.. I don’t know if he is just messing with my mind or what he wants!! If I call or txt he always replies!!!
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  • Kevin
    He is extremely confused about his feelings for you. You need to give him space and time and not contact him unless it’s absolutely necessary. You can’t rely on him to take care of the babies. You have to prepare yourself mentally to face the challenges of being a single parent. I hope he comes back and you two have a great life together, but you have to be practical when it comes to your babies.
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    • Benz
      Hey! So ive been dating my current ex boyfriend for 6 months and he broke it off with me because of my strong willed personality. He thought that I was never satisfied with him. He also felt like he was loosing himself in the relationship by not being able to keep up with his obsession with fitness and the gym. We met at the gym an fell for each other instantly. I begged him to take me back over the phone and through text messages. He responded by saying “it’s over” “done.” I am headed back to school in a few days and after begging him a few days ago I decide to call him today to see if I can see him one last time before I leave. I really want him back. Is there hope after all the begging?
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      • Kevin
        Of course there’s hope Benz. You just need to follow the plan. Don’t insist on meeting him before leaving. IMO, it’s better to meet him once you come back. Here’s what I suggest you do. Apply no contact. Go to your school. Start building attraction using text messages. When you come back, ask to meet him. And hopefully, he will want to get back together.
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        • Benz
          Thanks a lot Kevin. He has already agreed to meet with me at Barnes and noble to play some chess. What do u suggest I do in this situation ? I’m more concerned with redeeming myself after the begging incident.
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        • Kevin
          Go with him. Use this as an opportunity to show him you are not needy and desperate anymore. Just go and have fun. Be yourself and enjoy. Don’t talk about getting back together.
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• ashley
  I was just dumped by my bf about a week ago after five and half years. He said he’s very stressed because he’s turning thirty, he hates his job and he lives with his alcoholic dad whom he fights with. He said he wants space to get himself on his own feet so he doesn’t rely on me as much and see his friends more.to figure out what he wants. He told me wants space so he dumped me. I didn’t want this breakup but I’m trying to give him space. However he texts me everyday with vague things and to ask what I’m doing. I have not initiated any of the conversations. Over the weekend he showed up to a place I was at with friends and came straight to me and talking to me following me around. And both our sets of friends were as confused as me to why he was/ is behaving like this if he’s the one who left me and wants space. I’m very confused so any advice is greatly appreciated
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  • Kevin
    You need to apply no contact. Don’t answer his texts and if he keeps texting you, let him know that you want to stop communication with him for a while. He is afraid of losing you forever. He is afraid that you will move on so he keeps in touch just so he can make sure you are not moving on. No contact is going to be very effective in your case.
    Reply Link
• Jared
  Hey my girlfriend and i have been dating for 5 year we have a 2 year old together (i cheated back when we were 18 im 23 now so it was a long time ago) and last week she told me she wanted a break so i said ok maybe time apart would work so then 4 days later she says that she doesn’t want to be with me right now but is hopeful for the future i don’t know if she saying that to stop me from hurting or really means it and im hurt like hell because she says she still loves me and is in love with me but doesn’t want a relationship just wants to be single. So then yesterday she tells me shes been on a date with a guy a week after we split and is talking to some one but not on a relationship level and is acting like i should be ok with it just as friends so now im confused as to how she could be talking to someone already and im stuck here hurt and all emotional how do i get her back and show her ive changed she said i didn’t appreciate her and show her love which i did but not all the time so how do i get her back and make us one again. She also told me that it hurts her not to be with me but i dont get that if it hurts not to be with me then why arent you .. I need answers Thanks Jared
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  • Kevin
    Hey Jared,
    She is going through the G.I.G.S (Grass is greener syndrome). She feels there is someone better out there for her. The reason she broke was because she wanted to start dating other people. That’s why she started dating so soon after the breakup. The only thing you can do is let her have her experience. If she realizes she can’t be happy without you, she will come back. Apply no contact. It’s best for you and it’ll probably make her miss you more.
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• asha
  Hi I just broke up with my ex..we’ve been together for 1 year and during that period it has been a roller coaster for us..but we are happy together we don’t see each other that often as he was a loner and wants to be alone most of the time and playing his games..then just suddenly he broke up..but then he called me and said he wants to work it out and we agree..then in the evening of that same day we argue again about me loving him so much even though hes not that good enough..then suddenly he said he thinks he only likes me but he don’t really love me..i feel so devastated that i told him not to contact me anymore..but then i went to his place that same night to see him and ask if he really means it that he don’t love me..and i cried and blaming him why he dint tell me..why he keep it for a long time..but then we sleep together that night but no sex just sleeping..he still hugs me the same way as before..i don’t know if its me that saying his actions doesn’t match his words..but in the morning when i went home i call him again and say same things as i said during the night and he gets really mad but really trying to explain..then i said call me if you realize something..he said i will, i will,i will.. my question is, is there any chance of us getting back together?do you think he really don’t love me or he is just confused???im doing the no contact rule now totally..I’m also started to go fitness and meet new people..but i really want him back..
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Asha,
    Yes you still have a chance. Stick to the plan. Good you are going to the gym and meeting new people. It will only increase your chances.
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• Jared
  She also told me that it hurts her not to be with me n she wanted to be single as in no relationship with anyone what steps can I take to name her remember the love we had also we have a 2 year old daughter so doing no contact would be hard
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  • Kevin
    Hey Jared,
    I’d still recommend no contact. Like I mentioned in the article, keep your conversations minimum and only related to your daughter. Don’t talk about your feelings or your personal life.
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• Cassandra
  Hello, my name is Cassandra and I just read your artical and I have to ask a few questions cause I need your help. My ex boyfriend of almost two years broke up with me November 8th 2013, and I am almost 9 months pregnant now so this is hard cause my daughter is going up for adoption. Anyways I miss him and want him back and for 2 months I thought it was possible but I was wrong cause on January 2nd I found out on November 10th 2013 he moved on with another female… He has left me for her before back in the day but that lasted two days. So now he’s been in his new relationship for almost three months now. I want him back and I need advice please, I’ve written to so many people and no one is telling me how to get him back, we wrote each other yesterday I will write down everything but I want to know if I’m too late or if I should do no contact (the baby is due a month from now so I will have to call him and afraid that will ruin my chances) or if there are certain things I should do and say?? So here is the update so far. Me: “guess this is it. I will miss you and will never love someone the same way. Thanks for my daughter. And I want to wish you the best and glad she makes you happy.” (I wrote that a day before we started the conversation), (next night) ex: “how did your school thing go?” Me: “didn’t happen will tomorrow. A lot has happened today I’m still shookin up I don’t want to talk.” Ex: “the baby okay?” Me: “I would have let you known if she wasn’t….she’s always fine…let’s just leave things to what I wrote you yesterday. Want to leave on a good note. Just be happy and stay happy. You want me out of your life so I’m respecting it and just gonna do me now since there is nothing to wait for anymore. Can’t stand the thought of someone that was once mine and is now replaced so I need to get over you and heal. You will see your daughter …. I’m not heartless. See you in the future sometime huh? Lol one day ;)” ex: “cassy I never said I want you out of my life, but I get why now, it’s a good idea. But I still care ok? I asked you how school went because I do care.” Me: “…I can’t talk to you knowing you’re in love and sleeping with someone else. Would you like it? I’m pregnant and this is a big strain and a struggle for me everyday, I went to the e.r. today because of it.” Ex: “what!?!?!?!!!!!” Me: “what? Had nothing to do with the baby ok? Once again she…is…fine. It’s me so don’t flip.” Ex: “I don’t want anything bad to happen to you or her.” Me: “you have no idea what this breakup has done to me….so please.” Ex: “ok I’m sorry……………..” Me: and no I cared cause I’m the only one missing and hurt by it. You made your choice and I have to live with it and think about my big pappas doin the business (cuddling) with someone else bein held in your arms rolled in a ball and eating the famous sour sgetti.” Ex: “you’re making me want to cry, I can’t do this right now…..” Me: “I have to think about that image everyday… And sleep at night pretending you’re with me, but knowing another women is enjoying what was once mine. I miss you. Sorry.” Ex: “I’m sorry too.” Me: “doesn’t matter anymore. I feel like the movie the notebook without the happy ending.” Ex: “………… I’m sorry I fucked up I’m a bad person, I know.” Me: “why didn’t you fight for me?” Ex: “my phone is about to die.” Me: “okay… Didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, I know it don’t matter anymore. I’ll talk to you when I have her and she’s cleaned up. Bye.” And then he never responded and the adoptive mothers lawyer called me today and asked for my exs number and the an hour ago I just texted him “did blanks lawyer call you?” And still no response. Anyways please help me I don’t know what to do.
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  • Kevin
    Hey Cassandra,
    At this point, stop contact with him until the baby comes. As I mentioned in the article, you can contact him only if it’s about the baby. And even then, keep the conversation about her. Not about your feelings and your personal life. If he wants to see the baby, you can meet him at the time of delivery and then again stop contact with him. The way I see it, it’s going to take some time. At least 2-3 months. You have to forget about him for a while and concentrate on yourself. Contact him after 2-3 months using one of the texts mentioned in this article.
    Reply Link
    • Cassandra
      But I’m scared, he will forget about me. He told me he didn’t love her a week ago when we talked and I asked him “then why are you with her?” He said “I don’t know, just bored.” But then I wrote her what he told me and she didn’t believe me and told her he will deny everything and he did and then got mad at me. I told him tell her the truth, someone had to. But I guess it looked like I was trying to sabotage them. I wasn’t. I want him to want me the right way. I don’t like to step into relationships like that but I thought she deserved the truth. Anyways I don’t know why he told me that and then denied it. I wish I knew if he loves me still or if he does miss me, or if he’s just stringing me along incase they don’t work out… 2 or 3 months is along time, will he contact me do you think? And try to get back with me? Or just to check up on me while still living her?…. That girl is not meant for him, I am and he’s meant for me, I just know, just the way we could talk to each other. We had a lot of trust issues too. He has cheated on me and I know he cheated on me with her before he left me, I mean common he started dating her 2 days after leaving me and she doesn’t live close, when we were together he never told me he bought a laptop, I found out myself cause his sister told me after he left me so I’m guessing he’s been planning on leaving me for her for awhile. I don’t know, I’m confused. I just want a garuntee you know? Because I know 2 or 3 months down the line I won’t be able to forget him and find someone else, I live him too death.
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        Hey Cassandra,
        Think about what you are saying. You say that he cheated on you on more than one occasion, you two had trust issues and possibly many other relationship problems that lead to the breakup. And yet you say, you two are meant for each other. I am not trying to convince you that you shouldn’t want him back. But I will highly recommend that you wait for some time and really think about (keeping all the emotions aside) whether or not he is good for your life.
        As for the guarantee, like I mentioned in the article, there’s no guarantee. However, I can assure you that everything you’ve done till now to try to get him back (messaging him, messaging his girlfriend, telling him you’ll always love him etc.) reeks of neediness and desperation. And as I mentioned, neediness and desperation are extremely attractive and it’s going to push him further away. IMO, 2-3 months will not be nearly enough for him to forget you. In fact, he is just going to miss you more if you stop contact. You’ll have to take a leap of faith here. The way I see it, you have two options.
        1. Keep doing what you’ve been doing. That is messaging him, acting needy and desperate. Which IMO is going to keep pushing him further away.
        OR
        2. Apply NC and follow the plan. Which IMO is going to increase your chances of getting back together a lot.
        Reply Link
        • Cassandra
          Thank you very much you are a good person. I will take that leap starting today thanks no more contact at all unless its about the baby. And only the baby if I must.
          Link
        • Cassandra
          Also one more very important question. He wants to see the baby before she’s adopted out. And if I don’t let him, that will push him away? Should I let him or no?
          Link
        • Kevin
          Cassandra,
          That’s your decision to make. It’s your baby and his too. I don’t know how he will react to not seeing the baby before you give it away. However, if you do decide to let him see it, make sure you keep that meeting completely related to the baby and not about you. Don’t talk about yourself or your feelings about him.
          Link
        • haryl
          My ex boyfriend inititiates contact with Me.I suppose not answer him but to the fact that his mom died and he just want to talk to me.so I talk to him but it’s only about his mom and not in our relationship.
          2days after he told me I love you and he misses me so much…
          And he ask Me is what is my answer to what he said.he said again I love you!!
          And on the other day.I texted him like cheering him up because he loss his mom..
          And he called me again..at first it’s awkward but later on.it’s like a normal conversation for us ..
          After that 1day I texted him if it’s Okey to call him and he said ok.. so did call him and he answered my call.And he ask me if I have eaten my dinner.I said yes and it was pork.he told me you promise me before that you will cook for me.
          And I said ok I will cook for you.so to make the story short.we meet outside his working place I’ve noticed he keep staring at me and can’t look me directly to the eyes..
          And he said to me again.I miss you and it’s been 1month and a half.
          After that he started to hold me in the hands.like it feels great like the old days..
          And I end the conversation And went home.few minutes later he call me again and said thank you and the food was delicious.I like it.
          But this made me confuse.I know I have to make things slow.But what should I do for him to commit with me again?
          Should I wait for him to initiate contact always with me?
          I’m confuse of what to do next..
          One day I send text to him(I hope your having a great day.I have something to give you for valentines day.just get it whenever you have free time.And few minutes ago he calls me.to make the story short.he ask me if I can come in front of his working place.so I said I am not sure but I will try..
          After 20 minutes I text him.I said I’m sorry I can’t make it tommorow at 3pm because I have important things to do at the embassy..just whenever you have free time .no need to hurry.hehe.that was my last text..
          I am waiting tommorow if what is his response but my plan is not to initiate contact with him again.
          Can I ask him to meet me on his day off?4days from now.
          Is Okey if I’ll be the one to ask him?but not a date only meet him for coffee and to give my gift.thats all.
          What do you think about my situation right now?
          Link
        • Kevin
          Well, apparently he has strong feelings for you and he is chasing you. Perhaps, he wants to get back together and is waiting to see enough interest from you. The way you’ve been acting till now is great and IMO, you should continue doing it for a while. You are not needy and you are giving him an opportunity to chase you. Continue it for a month and if he still doesn’t ask to get back together, you do it. Be clear about your intentions and what you expect from him.
          Link
• Jane
  So Kevin,
  After the 30 day waiting period. Do I initiate conversation? Or are you saying, he will eventually do it sometime before that? Because I’m afraid that when he DOES contact me, it would just be to apologize and that he would want nothing more.
  Jane
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Jane,
    If he contacts you, you don’t answer him until the no contact is over (unless it’s absolutely necessary). And after NC is over, you initiate conversation using one of the methods mentioned in the article. (If he is the one who should be apologizing, I’d recommend you skip the letter and move directly to the text messages).
    Reply Link
• CAp
  Hi,
  Sorry for my english in advance, and ty for the article really great. My problem is: My girlfirend after 3 years dumped my because i got lazy did not help enough and so, so she wanna meet new guys. We were the greatest happiest couple I ve ever seen – really but we could not argue and solve our little problems only after break up she told me , we could argued every problem – and now I see I changed not for her for myself. After I found new place to live I took a week break in conversation, then I call her for a little talk – that was all right, then to a cinema on the next week that was good too. Nothing special happaned, but we felt good. Then she wrote a mail – just how are u and after a little talk I asked is she wanna meet, she said she dont wanna- she is busy that week, the I did not understand what was that whole thing, so I called her to ask what are her feelings does she miss me or what I need to know, but she could not answer I said its ok I give time I dont dstrub you, on the next night she called me . We sould no meet again. I said ok if u that ‘ s what u want , I really love here and that was the real thing I know I just did not know how to react to problems – now I know – but know it seems too late. I will do the non contact 30 days and other steps But what do you think what is in her mind. I hope she call me – I dont know I really want her back I know I want her back.
  Thank you in advance
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    She is confused about her feelings. It’s best not to obsess over what’s going on in her mind. Apply no contact and see how things go.
    Reply Link
• tina
  Me and my broke things off 3 months ago bc i cheated on him and now i feel bad but I kept on texting him saying sorry and he kept on telling me to leave him alone and called me lots of names I kept on going on his fb and msging his friends and lied to him then he finally had enough and went to the police station and put a no contact report against me but im scard hes never going to contact me ever again
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Tina,
    You need to apply the NC rule for a few months. If you are not allowed to contact him legally, then there’s really nothing you can do. My advice would be to concentrate on moving on. If he contacts you, you can try making it work with him again. If not, then learn from your mistakes and move on.
    Reply Link
• Ed
  Kevin,
  My girlfriend and I broke things off about 2 months ago, after 5 years. This is the second time this has happened as we tried to make our relationship work this past year but we ended up with the same issues we had before the first break up. We have very little contact even though we have children together. She doesn’t respond to my text messages nor calls. And has asked me to text her if I need to communicate with her but she doesn’t respond to any. A week ago she did answer my call but was upset and just responding with, “what do you want” “why you calling” remarks which then I responded with, whatever…and hung up. Several days before that call we did have conversation but didn’t end well. When talking to my kids she takes the phone from them and asks about my job and I say well and proceed to ask her how hers is going and she responds, ok it’s going ok. I tell her about our start-up and how will it’s going and ask her if we can do something when I go see the kids. By that time she flips out and says no, you should invite your girlfriend and hangs up. She assumes I’m seeing my rebound after our first break up. How should I take these actions she’s expressing. Will she try to get emotions out of me? Is it safe to say she might still have feelings for me?
  Thanks
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Yeah Ed. She definitely has feelings for you. Although, she is still confused and angry. You need to give her some time and space.
    Reply Link
• Annie
  Hi Kevin,
  My girlfriend and i broke up 5 days ago. She said she doesn’t know how to love, i deserve better than she can ever give me. Her head is confused. She hasn’t been happy for years (we went out for almost one year and broke up for two days in between as she said she was in a dark place and didn’t deserve me- i stupidly did the text and calling thing and assuring her I love her and told her how amazing she is and she does deserve love and i would love her. She apologised and said she was just so confused about her emotions and feelings and was sorry for even thinking she didn’t want me).
  Since the break up we’ve had minimal contact. She’s text me sayin she cares and asked if i am ok. She wants to know i am ok and said she is hurting and i am wonderful and don’t deserve this and she will never forgive herself for hurting me.
  Friends have asked me if i think there’s someone else but i don’t. We were always honest and logged into each others Facebook on phones, knew each others passwords and phone locks etc.
  She even said to me two weeks before the split ” i can’t wait to spend our future together just the three of us (me germ and my daughter).
  I said this to her the day of the split and she said this” i meant it but the more my head went into over drive the more i got confused”
  We were supposed to go away this weekend for her birthday too. I have cancelled all that now (that was hard). She said she couldn’t let me waste my money on her claiming “i don’t deserve it. I deserve nothing i deserve to be on my own and will probably be on my own forever”
  Help.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey,
    She either has some serious self-esteem issues or she is suffering from some form of depression. Either ways, there’s really nothing you can do unless she decides herself that she is good enough for a happy and wonderful life. If you want, you can encourage her to go for counseling or something. But the desire to work on her issues should come from inside her for it to really work. I would suggest you wait for a while and contact her. If she is still in the same state of mind, then it’s best for you to move on. You really can’t help someone else with their issues unless they want to work on it.
    Reply Link
• s.l
  hello basicly me and my ex broke up for 2 months because i drunkenly kissed a girl i ended up begging and pleading for her to get back with me the hole time eventually we got back together but the relationship started to fade and we started arguing i started getting jelous ect but we was back together for 6 months and to be honest she was a bitch the majority of the time we ended up splitting up 6 weeks ago i rang her 2 weeks after the break up and she was in bed with some one that she had previously stated was only a friend i rang her a week later drunk she didnt pick up but then called me back telling me she never loved me since i did what i did but i think it was because she got bored and liked that apparent friend of hers any way i havent contacted her for 17 days but today i contacted her to ask for my tickets to a comedy show and we started talking friendly she was even being a bit flirty i stated that i havents slept with any one as im busy ect not because of her and she txt back saying that she nos it has nothing to do with her and that im over her and shes over me i didnt txt back then she txt me saying am i rite i txt her back saying rite about what obviousley asking if i was over her but i didnt tell her i just sort of showed no real intrest in the relationship and she is obviousley still seeing other people i flirtily txt her saying im the boss she said we will see wont we with a wink and i havent replyed im going to go in no contact now but do u think its likely she will start to regret her decision now when we broke up she said she will never come back as it would never work and that we tryed do u think she will contact me with regret asd i wont contact her again and i have showed her that im happy without her or do u think this will now give her closure and by thinking im over her will it make it easyer for her to move on with her life i no she reallly did love me its only been 5 weeks after a year and a half im just wondering ur opinion
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey,
    I can’t say for sure but I think she still has feelings for you. Follow NC for a while and then contact her again.
    Reply Link
• sarah
  Hey, I am in a very tricky situation atm. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 3 days ago because our arguments were getting out of hand and he said he loves me very much and knows I am the person he wants to marry and have kids with in the future. He said he broke up with me so he could clear his head and see other people so that we can rekindle our relationship in the future and he can be a better partner to me. At first I was in shock and hurt that he wants to see other people. But now I can see his logic and am beginning to think I needed this break too to reassess my life. The biggest problem is me and my ex are currently living together and due to financial circumstances and a lease neither of us can leave. What scares me was my ex’s reluctance to move into the spare bedroom. Even though he has broken up with me and repeats that he wants to see other people for awhile. He still tries to act like a boyfriend to me, he wants me to spend all my time when I am home with him, talk to me,hug me,kiss me and tell me he loves me. He got annoyed with me when I said although I do love him and would like a future with him at some point, I want space right now and warned him to stop being affectionate towards me as it is confusing me. He seems to be extremely afraid of losing me for good now. Although I am not the one who wants to see other people right now. He starts arguments by asking me where I have been and telling me he doesn’t like that he is not allowed to Text me or ask me questions, I have explained to him that I need space and I set ground rules about him seeing someone else as I told him I didn’t want them around the house when I am home. I guess my main question what way can I handle this situation so that we could possibly get back together a few months or a year down the line. I cannot not speak to him at times as we need to discuss bills,shopping etc.we are both unemployed students that go to the same college and live together. I just don’t want the arguments to continue and I need to distance myself from him so that I hurt less when he begins seeing other people.what’s the best advice u can give me?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Sarah,
    It’s good that you’ve set ground rules. Just keep the conversation with him minimum and carry on your life. Don’t be rude and learn how to handle the arguments calmly and with reason. No matter how unreasonable he becomes, make sure you are always in control of yourself and calm. Avoid any topic that might lead to an argument. As for not getting her when he begins seeing other people, there’s nothing you can do there. Although, I’ll recommend you also go out on a few dates if possible (although this way, he might panic and want to get back together right away).
    Reply Link
• t
  My ex text me yesterday 5 days after break up askin if i am ok. She has been thinking about me a lot and hopes i am ok…
  Is there any hope for us kevin? I love her so much.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Of course there’s hope T. Follow the plan.
    Reply Link
• aknish
  hey kevin
  she ended our 3 year relationship a month ago for no reason.
  we were really happy but her friends brainwashed her ..
  i have done most of the mistakes mentioned above
  but we are still in contact as friends
  but i want her back
  shall i start the no contact rule from present day?
  or be her friend and try to get her back this way only ?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Apply NC.
    Reply Link
    • aknish
      she stays she still loves me but the situation is not right to be back..
      one day she says she loves me next day she says she doesnt love me and doesnt wanna meet me ever
      how to deal with this situation?
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        Like I said Aknish, apply NC. Give her time to deal with her emotions. Follow the plan.
        Reply Link
• JessB
  We broke up because he said he wasn’t in love anymore. It’s been 2 months of no contact and I just sent him a letter. Told him how I felt and I knew he didn’t feel the same way. I apologized for how I was and then asked for a second chance. I hope that was alright. I recently found out he had a date with someone. Is there still a chance? I continue praying. I just want him back.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey JessB,
    It wasn’t a good idea to send the letter asking for a second chance. But yes, you still have a chance. Just follow the plan. Apply NC and then contact him. He going on a date doesn’t really mean anything. In fact, you should also go out for a couple of dates during the NC.
    Reply Link
• Carlos
  What if you work with her and see her once a week. She is also a single mother. Her ex of 8 years was a horrible person. We were seeing each other and she said I was the man she prayed for and wishes I would have come into her life sooner. Her family loves me, so do her friends and people we work with. Then after Christmas she got really distant and told me she wasn’t ready for anything and pushed me away HARD. I always treated her right and said sweet things and did things for her. I think she thought I was doing that to push her into something. There was no hidden meaning, just wanted to treat her right.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Carlos, no one can say why she pushed you away. There’s no point obsessing over it. In time, you will find out. Just follow the plan.
    Reply Link
• Molly
  Hey Kevin
  I broke up with my boyfriend due to long distance which came from starting a new job. I was in such an exciting time of my life that I felt I didnt need him but after things settled down I realised I had made the wrong decision. Over Christmas I made all of the mistakes you talked about and even got drunk and confessed my love and how I wanted him back. He looked after me the whole night while I cried and took me back to his house – we both realised this was a mistake. Since then he has told me that there is no chance that we will get back together because he does not feel that he will feel 100% happy if we do. He thinks that nothing has changed and the long distance issue will still be a problem. After, I told him I could deal with the break up but not with losing a friend and after a week of not replying he text me asking how the new job was going. We have been texting for a couple of days now.
  I am very confused as to whether I have a chance or whether he just wants to be friends?! Please help!
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Molly,
    I can’t say for sure what he wants, but it seems he is confused about his feelings. You have two options.
    1. Apply NC rule, and then start texting him again. This will give you some time to deal with your emotions and him some time to miss you and realize you are not needy.
    2. Continue texting, build attraction and when you think the time is right, ask him to get back together. Tell him it’s hard for you to stay friends with him and if he doesn’t want to get back together, you should end all contact with him forever. And stick to your words.
    Reply Link
• Rahaf
  Okay so my situation isnt as bad and my relationship isnt as strong or as serious as all of the other commenters, but i still have faced a breakup and it is effecting me and i do need advice..
  Me and my ex were in a long distance relationship for around 6 months and things were going great till the last few weeks where he started to slightly act differently, and it led up to him breaking up with me abit over a week ago because he couldnt handle the distance and he wont be able to handle it for so long (we’re still in the last year of highschool and wont be going to the same uni so the long distance would continue till after we graduate from university, but i WILL be visiting my hometown -where he lives- and so will he if he studies abroud)
  After the breakup, We decided to still talk and be friends incase the chance pops up in the future.. And we have been talking- not the same way- but we are friends and we are keep intouch everyday.. Despite that, not being with him is killing me and i miss being with him so much.. He sometimes is off and doesnt show the love or gives me much attetion anymore and i am afraid that he will fully loose his feelings, i know it is expected but i really dont want him to..
  I am considering the no contact rule since i have done a mistake or two that you have mentioned (acted like i needed him desperately, and showed him that i was not over him in long love messages) but i dont know if trying to get him back is worh risking the frienship too.. I know it would do me good to not contact him too.. but what if in that time he moves on? Should i just move on since its long distance? Or should i try and get him back by the no contact rule.. Im afraid of giving it a shot..
  Also if i do it for just two weeks would that be okay in my sistuation? Because im afraid when we go back to talking afterwards, it might be awkward, or he might be mad at me for ignoring him.. Should i be obvious that i am ignoring him? Or should i act as if it is unintentional?
  Not to mention, what do i tell him if he tells me that he misses me and wants to talk more often? Do i reject him? What if it back fires?
  I really need advice about this, and please keep in mind that a “hangout” after the no contact rule would have to be skype for me, and that this whole thing is at a distance since we are in different contries.. I really do love him.
  Please help!
  Thankyou
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey,
    If he tries to contact you, you can simply tell him that you need some time and space right now and that you’ll contact him after some time. You can say it politely without rejecting him. As for the long distance, I’ll be honest, it’s harder to get back with someone over long distance. Skyping helps, but still it’s not as effective as meeting with someone. In your case, you should know that you’ll be both in college with a completely new environment and your perspective on life and love will change quite a bit during that time.
    But I will still recommend no contact, not just to get him to miss you but for you to realize that you don’t need him to be happy. Apply NC for yourself and I am sure soon you’ll realize that he is not as important as you are making him to be in your mind.
    Reply Link
• Natalie
  My ex stopped talking to me. We were only seeing each other for 2 months but everything seemed to be going great. We were both so happy together. He bought me a toothbrush and shampoo & conditioner for his house, even have me a drawer. Out of no where he started saying things to me like “I’m no good. If you were smart you’d start running. I don’t know what you see in me…” and the day after that completely stopped talking to me. That same day I text him as normal, but he never replied, the next day I text him a few times and called but never heard from him. So for the next five days I had no contact with him. After the five days, I showed up at his house and collected my things without trying to talk to him about anything, just “I’m here to get my things”, he also didn’t try to talk to me about anything. It’s been 3 days since then.
  Does this mean we are done for good?? Since the relationship was so young, is it salvageable? What should I do?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Natalie,
    It’s probably salvageable, but I’ll highly recommend you wait a couple of months and date other people before trying to get back with him. You literally don’t know anything about him and what he’ll be like as a long term partner. Why would you want to waste a lot of time and effort in trying to revive a relationship with him. It’ll make more sense in putting that time and effort in moving and start a relationship with someone new.
    Reply Link
• Brian
  Hi Kevin,
  My girlfirend and I split up 2 weeks ago, like a fool i have been texting etc and getting the minimal responses. However each night we text “miss you and love you” which too be honest is doing me no good whatsoever. She came round for dinner last Wednesday and we talked etc, but to be honest i think she is just playing mind games. What do you think the best approach is?
  Thanks in advance
  Brian
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    The best approach is always No contact.
    Reply Link
• James
  Was with my gf for about 5 months. She was my first serious relationship and my first partner. I thought everything was good, we went from best friends and at a family gathering one day, to her breaking up with me saying she has been fighting her feelings for weeks and doesn’t love me anymore. It was her first serious relationship also. I was blindsided and heartbroken…that day I tried asking for reasons why we cant try making it work but she decline. Haven’t had any contact in 8 days. Please help, I want her back. Our situation is unique, with family issues on both ends that we both were good with and helped each other out with. Is this relationship salvageable?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    You can probably get her back but no one can say for sure. Your best bet is to follow the plan.
    Reply Link
• Megan
  Hi Kevin,
  My ex and I agreed to break up in June last year as he was younger than me and we had different plans for the future. It was more my idea than his. However, we still loved each other and hung out like a couple up until end of September before we gradually saw less of each other. He would always tell me that he has never loved anyone as much as he had loved me. Or that if we met years later, our relationship would have been perfect. However, towards the end of October (about 1 month) after we stopped seeing each other, he started asking this girl out and now they are dating casually. They even went on a trip together in early December. He kept it from me but I only found out as a common friend told me. The girl he is dating is a friend of mine. We’re not very close, but we would hang out sometimes. When I asked him about it, he told me that he doesn’t know where the relationship with her is going but he just feels very happy when he’s with her. He also told her he wouldn’t get into a serious relationship with her until at least 6 months later. He was afraid I would be upset. He still told me that I was the girl he loved the most and he regretted letting me go but we have to move on because he can’t give me what I want and now there’s her.
  I’m so hurt. I told him never to contact me again but he texted on new year’s day to wish me. i only texted back 12 hours later. He’s stopped texting me since. Is she a rebound? Do you think I can still get him back? Everything felt so sudden that he just liked someone else so quickly. He used to say that I could never be replaced but is he replacing me with her now? Please help me. What should I do?
  Reply Link
  • Megan
    I might just add that we were together for 2 years and I was his longest relationship and the one he always said was the best and most serious.
    Reply Link
    • Kevin
      Hey Megan,
      Yes, you can probably get him back and yes, she is probably a rebound. Apply the No contact rule and think really hard whether or not you want him back. Like he said, nothing has changed and you two still have different plans for the future.
      Reply Link
• Tina
  My ex and I broke up 3 months ago after 8 and a half years together. I cried and begged. Friends took sides. He went drinking and posted photos everyday on social media post breakup. To protect myself I unfollowed him and block him on Facebook. I tried patching up with him a few weeks after our breakup but he says he doesn’t love me anymore. My heart broke and I decided to cease all contact with him except for once in November when my mum asked him to check up on me as I went on an overseas trip alone. We did not stay in contact until recently in January this year, he would text me once a week for the past 3 weeks to return me my stuff, and to get stuff back from me. I really love him and I don’t know if we still stand a chance together but I don’t know how to go about to start texting him. I’m scared because I don’t know if he still has feelings..
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Tina, use one of the messages in the article to get back in contact with him. Remember, guys like the chase. Don’t show any signs of neediness.
    Reply Link
• TNL
  Hei Kevin,
  I was in a relationship for three years with a guy. We had an on and off relationship with him but every time we broke up he would immediately move on so fast and i would always be the one to call him first and try to work things out. We had talked a lot about marriage and he had asked a friend of mine to buy a ring (we were open about it). I had met his mother and he has also met my parents. We however broke up 3 months ago and after 3 weeks, i asked for us to meet. He came but this time told me that he had moved on and was not going to come back.
  I later heard he is seeing someone who he is getting serious with. I heard that they are even having wedding preparations. I haven’t contacted him for 2 months and haven’t told him that i heard the news.
  Its possible that the girl liked him even while we were seeing each other but i am sure he was not seeing anyone while we were together. He was really serious about getting married.
  Just wondering how he would get into a serious relationship so fast. And also if the NC rule will work since they r getting married.
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  • Kevin
    Yes, the no contact rule will work. He is probably in a rebound and won’t go through with the marriage. However, there’s nothing you can do if he does go through with the marriage. So be prepared for the worst.
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    • Tee
      I and my boyfriend have been in a long distance relationship for 2years,he came back last December and asked for my hand in marriage when we start the marriage process we discovered we were both AS and if we proceed they are chances of giving brith to SS who will suffer tribble illness as we both are from Africa,both I suggested we use certain modern produres like CVS to check the baby before delivery he accepted later he called me and ended the relationship and said it was too risky and the chances of them dictating are slim,that is better we seperate that he will keep calling me from time to time to know how am doing,and if I need any help I should contact him,will NC work in this situation?
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        Hey Tee,
        He has to realize whether he loves you enough to take the risk. And yes, giving him space and time is the best way to make him realize that. If he still chooses to stay separate after the NC, then you should let him go.
        Reply Link
    • TNL
      Hello Kevin,
      Last week after 2 and a half months of no contact. I contacted him. I had just thrown my graduation party and didn’t send him an invite. So after a few days i sent him a message appreciating his support throughout my time in school. He replied really quickly with a short message then i asked him if he wanted to have cake from one i was going to take for my workmates. I honestly didn’t think he would say yes because he always said he didn’t like cake but to my surprise he set a date to come n pick it.
      On that day i waited for his call n he called me later in the evening n cancelled saying he was busy n wanted to pick it the day after…(from what i know about him i think it was intentional). Anyway i told him later that nothing had been left from work (it had). He didn’t reply and we haven’t talked since. I’m stupid to think that he intended to keep me waiting then cancel on me later? Also do you think i overreacted?
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      • Kevin
        No, I don’t think you overreacted. You can apply no contact again and try contacting him again, but I’ll recommend that you concentrate your effort on moving on.
        Reply Link
        • TNL
          Atleast your honest. Thx.
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• A
  So my ex boyfriend and I have been broken up now for nearly 7 months. He was actually out of the country when he did it so the “no contact” rule automatically applied even though I did try sending a few emails to only get nothing in return. After he returned back to the states, he wanted to see me and hang out. We ended up trying to friends route and well, because I still had feelings for him, it didn’t go so well in my favor. I finally backed off and stopped calling, texting him, seeing him, and spending time together. Over a course of 2 weeks he sent me text messages everyday and blew up my phone. He knew that I was ignoring him. After multiple attempts on his part, he showed up at my house. I did invite him in and we did talk. Lately he has been very loving, affectionate, telling me he is still in love with me, has feelings for me, kisses me, touches me, holds my hand, misses being with me, wants to be with me, but then he throws in, “but I don’t want to be in a relationship right now!” So of course I feel like a rollercoaster of emotions, feeling so lost and confused. He wants to still hang out and be friends but I am worried that I might possibly get permanently friend zoned. So, questions is, what do I do now? What is it going to take for him to want to be in a relationship again? Is this a hopeless case? Should I let him go and move on or should I try the friendship route? Thank you for your time!
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  • Kevin
    Hey A,
    Don’t try the friendship route. I’d recommend to let him know that you can never be friends with him and if he wants to be with you, he should commit. Don’t give him an option to have his cake and eat it too. Hopefully, he will choose to commit, if not, be prepared to move on and cut all contact with him for good.
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• Caio
  Hey Kevin,
  My gf broke up with me in December.I decided to started No contact 2 weeks ago.We go to the same college,so we will start to see each other almost everyday after February 24,but I will complete 30 days of No contact in February 8,my question is,should I wait until she sees the new me to start contact?Or should I contact her after 30 days of No Contact?
  Ps: She broke up with me because my insecurity killed her attraction for me.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Wait 30 days. Let her see you and wonder for a little while.
    Reply Link
  • Caio
    So after 34 days of No contact I texted her about something that reminded me of her but she just ignored my message,what should I do now?
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    • Kevin
      Wait another 10 days and send her the letter mentioned in this article. Then wait another 20 days and send her another text. If you still don’t get a reply from her, it’ll be a wise idea to move on.
      Reply Link
• No name
  My boyfriend and I were together for almost 2 years, most of it was long distance. He broke up with me 9 months ago and I want him back more than anything. He claims that the reason for the breakup was that his feelings changed, but I feel like the real reason was because of a lot of pressure from his parents. We come from different countries and cultures and they didn’t want their son with someone of a different background and didn’t want to accept our relationship even though they had never met me. I’ve been trying to do minimal contact the past few months (about once every couple of months) and I thought that was going fine. The problem is that last week my friend sent him a message on Facebook (without my permission) and told him that I still love him. Needless to say, he wasn’t too happy. What do I do in a case like this? I didn’t contact him apologizing for her behavior, because I didn’t want to make the situation even worse. i feel like there could still be feelings there, but he is so stubborn and pushes his feelings away if he feels like it is what he has to do and I know he feels a responsibility to his parents. I just feel so lost.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey,
    I don’t think you can do anything unless he makes a move and decides that he won’t let his parents decide what’s best for him. He probably does have feelings for you and maybe you can resurface those feelings by re-initiating contact, but in the end, he’ll not commit unless he is ready to face his parents. I highly recommend you concentrate your efforts on moving on.
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    • No name
      I’m not ready to do that. I truly believe in what we had and I believe he is my future. I’m a determined person and i’m determined to get my life back on track with him in it. sorry
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      • Kevin
        Hey, you don’t have to be sorry. It was just my recommendation and I know how hard it is to give up on someone whom you are in love with. So, I guess you should just follow the plan and try to get him back. I hope things work out for you. If you have any questions, I’ll try to answer you with the best of my capabilities.
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        • No name
          Thank you. I know some people think I’m crazy and need to move on and so i get a little defensive at times. I hope it didn’t come off that way. I will hopefully be visiting my friend in march (She lives in the same country and city as him) and then plan on moving there in June for a job, so hopefully being closer to him will help things out.
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        • Kevin
          All the best!!
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• Brianna
  How do you prove to your ex-boyfriend that you won’t assume or accuse him of anything anymore?
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  • Kevin
    If you try to prove him, it’ll be quite obvious that you are just trying to prove him. The best way to is to actually work on your insecurities and your communication skills (there’s always a way to talk about your concern without accusing or assuming) and it’ll show whenever you talk to him.
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• bonnie
  hey, my bf and i broke up about 2 months now. in that time we started talking in like after a month or so, he says he still loves me and he wants to get back with me but he needs some time to sort out somethings that he is currently going through, i said i will give him that time but we still chat, we have slept together during this time that we have been apart but he is text flirting with other girls. he says they are just friends but to me it doesnt seem like it, he says now that he doesnt talk to them anymore, i did make some of the mistakes you mentioned. im so confused at the moment. does he really want to get back with me and is he lying about this whole thing bout him going through something. please help me!
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  • Kevin
    Don’t sleep with him unless he commits. Apply NC for a while and tell him you also need some time and space. Tell him you’ll contact him after some time and if he’s sorted out his life you’ll get back with him otherwise, you’ll move on.
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• bonnie
  hey im sorry i forgot to tell you the reason that we broke up. when we started dating he never wanted to leave my side and i had no problem with that, he was on drugs when we met but i had asked him to stop because i love him and its only going to ruin his life. he did stop. about 1 month or 2 months before we broke up he started joining these group of boys who he never spoke about before but all of a sudden they are best friends, these boys are heavy on drugs and alcohol. i had asked him to stop joining them as it was putting strain on our relationship but he didnt want to. when we were together he used to lie constantly to me and do things behind my back. he eventually left me cause of a pic that i took of me and posted on fb, it was not a bad pic but i think he was just looking for an excuse to break up, he now cant stay away from those boys and sometimes tells me how lonely he is and what we would have been doing. what should i think? is there hope?
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  • Kevin
    You really need to apply no contact and think real hard whether you want him back or not. He lies constantly and has drug problems that will probably keep coming back for the rest of his life. Do you really want a life partner like that?
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• Sam
  Help
  My gf started ignoring me because she found out i was hanging out with another girl as friends and she blew stuff out of proportion. So what she did was just straight out ignored me for a week. I said something that shouldn’t have said.
  ” Im tired. Do you want to end this relationship? when you are angry you are always like this! I got nothing but stress everyday i think about you i get stress!”
  She then blocks me. I don’t know what to do anymore. Is this salvagable?
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  • Kevin
    Probably. I don’t think your relationship is technically over. Give her some time and let her anger subside. Talk to her after that and see how she responds.
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• Catherine
  Hey, so my ex and I were together for 2 years, the last 6 months have been on and off and we finally became official again about a month ago. We are long distance and it was good to feel like it was finally working out even though I went back home and we were far away again. We got in an argument a week ago and he ended up breaking up with me the next day, saying this time it can’t be a break and for us both to move on and if it works in the distant future then it does, but in the meantime no talking. The problem is he is moving here in a week, but will be living with his friend. How do I handle this? Just follow the no contact rule? I already feel like his friends (who have been extremely involved in our relationship and cruel to me) have influenced him greatly in this and it’s super frustrating, his brother even told me he would be disappointed with him if he contacted me again, which is so hurtful. I have emailed him a few times, the the first was nice but ended with no response on his part, the next two not so much because of frustration of being ignored and the last one I calmed down and realized it would get me no where being mean. He absolutely won’t answer and is great at ignoring which is how he also handles conflict. I’m afraid I’ll never get the closure I want or that there won’t be a chance for us again. What can I do? I just can’t see him being down here only knowing his friend and friend’s fiancee and me and just not contacting me or responding. Thanks!
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  • Kevin
    Hey Catherine,
    Follow the no contact rule. And then contact him using one of the methods mentioned in the plan. Yes, his friends and brother are influencing him, but in the end, he’ll have to decide whether he wants to contact you or not and the letter mentioned in the article is extremely effective in getting an ex to contact you again.
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    • Catherine
      Thanks for the response, it’s just super hard not having answers. Like I want to shake him and say this is your friends influencing you which is why we broke up the first time and were on and off. Because he realized that wasn’t what he wanted but felt pressured. Even the last couple of months he admitted it was a big regret to let them affect us like that. How am I supposed to feel ok with no answers and then when the 30 days is up am I still not supposed to ask for any?
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      • Catherine
        Oh and does the 30 days count since we broke up and haven’t talked or since the last message I sent? And I am just supposed to ignore that he is now down the street from me instead of 9 hours away in a week?
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        • Kevin
          30 days count since the last message you sent. Yes, you have to ignore that he is close to you and you have to concentrate on yourself. You have to learn to be happy without him and learn to not obsess over him so much. I know it’s hard not knowing the answers, but you need to learn to live with that.
          When you contact him again, I will recommend you take things slowly and don’t start pressuring him into giving you answers. Build attraction for a while before you start talking about your relationship and what went wrong.
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• TNL
  I haven’t gotten any replies. Not sure why
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey,
    I replied to your comment here.
    Reply Link
• TNL
  got it. Thx
  Reply Link
• Philip OPIYO
  Hi Kevin
  My girl friend broke up with me on my birthday claiming that she did not have feeling for me anymore since we grew apart almost four years. she was in Africa and i was here for four years. when she arrived she took only four days then she started changing because when she arrived, i wanted to know whether she still loved me and i pretended that the relationship was over. then she cried and asked why i brought her here in USA. from there on she ask me six months break which i did not take because we kept on fighting then when i went back to talk to her, she ask me to give her more time then finally she told me that it was over. I did not take it lightly and i became mad and i started suspecting my friend whom she was sharing some personal information and I started threatening them and she did not like that. i even went a head and told the mother about this guy and his personal life which was not good. then one day she called me and told me that “Philip you have destroyed everything now” then i asked her what she meant and she told me that now how would she take me back to her family after telling her mom everything . But whenever i told this lady to call me she would call me. after having a bad argument i decided have No Contact rule do you think I can still get her back i really love her.
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  • Kevin
    Well, you messed up. But the good news is, no matter how bad you mess up, time heals everything. People usually forgive and forget other people’s mistakes after a while. So yeah, you can probably still get her back. Just give her some time.
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• Maria
  Hi, I dated a guy for over a month intensively, we had a great time together as we have the same type of humor, he’ll cook for me, met my friends, he was the one who always texted me first every day just to say goodnight, We spend weekends together, he always suggested to meet and suddenly a week ago he told me “I need space, I want spend more time with my friends and family and I don’t want to get in to a relationship right now!” I am 30 and I want to make sure I want this since I don’t want to rush into a relationship and break up 1 year after”. We went for a walk right after he said that, I was in shock since I couldn’t believe what was coming from his mouth as he was the one who was intense and really in to from the start! He said it feels like we have been dating for 4 months when it only has been one. I told him do you want me to see other people then!? He said you don’t have to ask me for permission do whatever you want, I asked again but he never confirmed…. We kept walking side to side in silence and then he grabbed me and said ” Listen I am not telling you I never wanna see you again, I like you, let’s keep seeing each other and see where this goes?”. I panick so I told him listen you are my dream guy and the plan was to keep dating to see where this goes but now you make me feel like I am taking you away from quality time with your friends etc when it has been you who always suggested to meet. I said I know what I want and you don’t want it so take care and enjoy your time with the people that matter to you and I ran away. I thought he will write to me and tell me I over reacted and will give me confirmation he wants to keep seeing me but now I am on day 7 of no contact! Is this over? Maybe he thinks I dumped him and that’s why he hasn’t written? Could he just be simply taking his space and contact me soon or is this all really over? I like him a lot, I cried my heart out and I miss him. I want him back!!!! Is there any hope for us?
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  • Kevin
    Hey Maria,
    If I had to guess, he is a little put off by your panicking and the way you reacted. I think, it was right of you to let him know what you wanted. But I am guessing you didn’t say it in a calm and rational manner.
    I can’t say if it’s really over or he’ll contact you. But I guess the best course of action is give him another 21 days to contact you. If he doesn’t, you contact him after that and see how he responds. If his response is cold and he doesn’t seem interested, it’s time to move on.
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• Tan
  Hi Kevin, my bf and I broke up about 2 weeks ago after being together for 5 years. We had an argument when I mentioned breaking up in a fit of anger and to my surprise, he agreed. I was desperate and of course, appeared clingy but he insisted he has lost feelings for me. After not contacting him for 3 days, he wanted the relationship back because he thought we could try again. But after a week, he decided that he really can’t commit himself because he’s more assured that he has no more love for me. I was really upset and literally broke down. I tried not contacting him for 4 days but could not control (because I didn’t know of this NC period). We met up and he told me he wanted to be friends for now because he has really no more love for me. I agreed to be friends. Since then we have not been contacting for 5 days. I’m really afraid that because he has turned back once, he will not turn back again. And due to some events, we might even need to meet up with common friends during this NC period. What should I do? Am afraid he might feel uncomfortable if I turn up for these events. I don’t know if there is a chance that he still wants the relationship back because the one week when we got back together just assured him that I’m not the one, that’s why the official break up.
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  • Kevin
    Hey Tan,
    He just lost attraction for you. You can make him attracted to you again. You were together for 5 years, so you need to make some major changes in your life to make him feel attracted again. Like I mentioned in the article, make as much positive changes in your life as you can during the NC period. It’s going to work like magic on him when he sees you again. And be confident about yourself.
    As for the event, if you can go, you can go. Just treat him like an acquaintance you are in good terms with. Don’t worry whether or not he’ll be uncomfortable. Think about yourself. Will you be uncomfortable seeing him? Will seeing him defeat the purpose of NC? (That is to work on your happiness and learn to live without him). If so, then avoid the events. If you think you can handle it, go and have fun.
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    • Tan
      Hi Kevin, do I really have to go on dates with other guys during this NC period? Because the reason for the failure of this relationship was due to me being too controlling and perhaps jealous of his close female friend which he ended up telling this friend about his feelings instead of communicating to me where the problem of our relationship lies. But the decision to break up seems like it has undergone some careful consideration as he felt his feelings have faded during the past few months, during which he has also often hung out with this particular girl. So I’m not really sure if he has develop some kind of feelings towards her during this period or what. It’s like fading feelings for me + develop feelings for others + work pressure = break up with me. Am afraid that going out with other guys would mean that he sees me as I’ve already moved on and he can now openly court that girl or something. I really don’t know what I should do now.
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        Hey Tan,
        In my opinion, it’s going to help you get some perspective and realize what’s best for you. I don’t think he’ll see you as you’ve already moved on. And even if he does, he is going to realize whether or not he wants to lose you forever. Moreover, when you contact him after the NC period, he’ll realize that he still has a chance of being with you. And he might want to grab that opportunity. As for him being with the other girl, yes there’s a chance that he might do that. But, there’s a chance he might do that anyways. If he already told you that he doesn’t want a relationship with you and that means nothing is stopping him from seeing other people and nothing is stopping you too. IMO, dating has a little bit of risk but the advantage is gives you is worth it.
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        • Tan
          Hi Kevin, while I’m not confident that I can win him back, I’ll try. But what I’m more afraid of is that he left me once (or twice considering we patched back once) be it because of other girls, lost attraction or work pressure, so what is to stop him from leaving me again? It’s day 17 since we broke up and although I try to live myself as usual, I still feel a sense of loss. I may smile or laugh at certain things but I can’t feel truly happy inside even though I’m not grieving (or crying) over the lost relationship. Yes, I may not need him since I’ve survived 17 days but I want to be together with him again. Yet I’m afraid of getting myself hurt if at some point he lost attraction for me again or due to work pressure. In a dilemma.
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        • Kevin
          That’s the thing you need to think about Tan. Do you really want someone who bailed on you so many times without any fault of yours. That’s what no contact period is for. Whenever you two decide to get back together, you need to make it clear that you want commitment and you don’t want him bailing on you every time he has a problem with the relationship or his personal life. You have to be confident enough to know that you deserve the best and if he is not willing to make a commitment like that, you’ll find someone who will.
          The no contact period is mostly about building up that type of confidence. That’s why it’s more important.
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• Don
  My gf and I broke up last year due to differences, most her idea than mine. Out of nowhere she texted me last august to catch up maybe, we started talking again it seemed she wanted to get back 2 gether but she didnt, we last spoke on october i said I cant be friend with her, she said she missed me but she cant get back with me even thought she still have some feelings for me, said “i think i dont love you anymore” blah blah blah, we both went nc til my birthday she texted me, then nc again, until 2 weeks ago she texted with some trivial shit. I guess she’s just fooling around. I still have feelings and I see there’s no chance to get back together. Wish I could just completly move on but she keeps coming back and talking to me, the moment I’m starting to let go the moment she pops up again. Is there a chance?
  Don
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Don,
    I guess the best thing to do is to not reply to her when she texts you. I know it’s hard when you still have hope to get back together, but in your case, this hope is keeping you from moving on when deep inside you know that’s the right thing to do.
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• dan
  Hello Kevin, i finished with my ex girlfriend of two years roughly 5 months ago,my mistake to which i have apolagised to her , did all the pleading and begging to get her back in the 1st month , left her alone and eventually started talking again and going to see her and her 2 children . she said she wasnt in love with me anymore and wanted to be just friends , tried it but told her i couldnt do it as im still in love with her . started no contact in dec and have not heard from her since, about 40 days or so. ive made changes to my life , i go swimming nearly everyday and im trying really hard to improve myself as a person. we lived together for a year and half and was fantastic , justed messed up but we are all human and things happen , just miss her so much and i know in my heart that she is the one . i know i could never love anyone else , im 46 and she is 36 . i love her and her children and i really got on well with them . Do i leave them alone to let them get on with their lives ? just so confused as what to do ? should i just wait and hope that she says hello sometime in the future ? thanks for your time , Dan
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  • Kevin
    Dan, give yourself one chance to see if the relationship works. Apply NC for 20 more days. Then contact her, follow the plan. And see if she wants to get back together. Promise yourself that you will give it one try and one try only and if it doesn’t work, you’ll concentrate on moving on.
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• K
  my girlfriend of 4 years broke it off a week ago. she stopped talking to me because i had lied to her about something and she was pissed. it was anything huge but she is making it out be big. she told me i had lied to many times to her and she cannot trust my word. so i let her cool off for about 4 days then i contacted her and tried to reason with her that she can trust me but she said that she has to go with her gut and its telling her she can’t trust my words its just happened to many times. after we talked about our relationship then the conversation got more light hearted and we laughed a little and then i asked if she could “ever ” be with me again and she said she couldn’t answer that but for right now she can’t be with me. which was difficult to take but i did and kept my cool so we talk for about another 30 minutes about us calmly and relaxed. then she had to go and she told me that she still loves me a lot and cares about me but she needs to find herself and let these lies go. she told me if i ever needed anyone to talk to i could call her and talk but she told me not to get my hopes up unless she said it was more then friends. my question is how to go about this and if theres hope for our relationship? keep in mind she is away at school but its only 40 minutes away and i always visited and she’s not the kind of girl to talk to any guys or do anything so I’m not worried about that.
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  • Kevin
    K, apply no contact and give her the space and time she needs. Then contact her again and see how how she responds.
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    • K
      Okay. I will follow the plan. Then only thing I’m worried about is if she starts to associate our relatioship with only the bad things I’ve done while I’m applying no contact. I’ve always been the one chasing so it’s hard for me too imagine her swallowing her pride and taking me back. I feel like she’s just going to keep telling herself all the bad things and none of the good things about us. Does this happen or am I just being irrational?
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      • Kevin
        Usually, when you miss someone, you start thinking about the good things about them. So don’t worry about that.
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        • K
          I haven’t contacted her in a week and I’m not feeling better, I still feel as though she’s just going to move on.. The longest we ever went with out talking was 10 days in the 4 years we were together. So not contacted her this long feels like it’s over… I just don’t know what to do because I feel as though she’s going to move in so then when I contact her again I’m just going to get rejected. I’m just worried.
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        • Kevin
          Well, I don’t think she will move on in 10 days. Think about it. If you can’t move on so easily, how can she? Maybe she needs a little more time to miss you, but she’ll get there. One more thing you need to think about is why do you need her to feel better? Don’t you think you should learn to be happy and satisfied on your own rather than depend on your ex for happiness?
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  • K
    yeah, you’re right. i do need to learn how to be satisfied and happy on my own. i feel like I’m progressing and I’m not feeling as dependent on her anymore! i feel as though she would add to my happiness instead if be all of it. but, just a question, are there ever relationships where one partner tells the other “its over” and that they are “moving on”, but actually come to realize they still want to be with them later down the road? do the ever go back on what they say?
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    • Kevin
      Yes, I’ve come across many cases like that in the past 2 years. So yes, there’s still hope.
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      • K
        Thank you for reading and responding in this time of need to me and all the other people fortunate enough to have found this site. you have great advice, i have learned a lot from you and deeply appreciate it. i will stick to the plan of no contact until i see a change in myself then i will contact her and see how it goes. thanks again for all the help.
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        • Kevin
          Thank you for your kind words.
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• Don Jon
  Hi,
  I was having almost 2 years relationship with my ex. the major factor is age differences. shes 22 and i am 28. She is still studying while im busy working. She keeps telling me she needs attention and i didnt listen to her. I thought she would understand. At one point, she has reached her limit and decided to take a time out. main reason she has started to be friends with her girlfriends who party almost every weekend and she said she kinda like it. One night she texted me, ” i dont know what happen to me. at first it was us, not its me. i feel so lost and i hope this is just a phase”.
  During that time out, i have started to feel paranoid that she is seeing someone new. she keeps denying it and the last time we had a big fight as her friend told me that she has brought a guy to her room. she admitted it but she said he is just a friend.
  a week later, i called her up and asked hows her exam? she replied very lightly but i asked do you wanna have a coffee when both of us are ready? she said we will see.
  please tell me if there is still hope. i never heard or see she is seeing someone. she wants to get married with me this year but now she seems lost and confused. maybe she is thinking that i might be neglecting her again. i should have give her more attention. now she is not answering my call or texts. her friend has been telling her to leave me as i have been doing all the DONTs you have you mentioned above and she finds it uncomfortable with that. she keeps telling me i keep pushing her and might pushing her away.
  what should i do?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Well, follow the plan. And don’t make any of those mistakes again. Apply no contact for a while and see how she responds.
    Reply Link
    • Don Job
      Hi Kevin,
      thanks. But how am i going to see how she responds? i believe that she is being ego. i didnt contact her at all for the last 2 weeks.
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        It’s OK. Carry on no contact for another 2 weeks and then contact her using one of the methods in the guide.
        Reply Link
        • Don Jon
          Thanks. Anyway i just found out she activated her FB. and It appears on my friends list which i think she has been stalking me since i did not contact her at all.
          How bout simple message in FB before valentine’s?
          Link
        • Kevin
          Hey,
          Messaging her on Valentine will make it quite obvious to her that you are interested in her romantically. So, it’s risky move. But it might work to your advantage if she is actually interested and wants to meet you. So, it’s your decision and I’m not going to make it for you.
          Link
• Selin
  Hi,
  Me and my boyfriend were dating for 11 months until we broke up 3 days ago. On our third month we broke up and i tried no contact which worked out. But 3 days ago we had a fight and i said he lost me. He said he was glad that he lost me. I died inside and tell him i won’t be by his side and i hated him. Later on my mom jokingly texting him and he said that he was physically tired because of work. Later on he said it was ”unfair” that my mom said he broke up with me.My mom told him that we are acting immature and he said he doesn’t have a patience of a prophet and asked if i was fine and i made her text him. And she told him to ”rest”. And now he is not speaking to me. I know that my mom speaking to him showed me weak and needy. Is he really over me? What can i do?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Selin,
    He is not over you. Apply no contact. Don’t worry, I am pretty sure he’ll forget about the Mom incident and come back.
    Reply Link
• Kristin
  Hi, Kevin, I was really good friends with my ex for 2 1/2 mos. before we became a couple. And we were together for 1 mo. 1/2, before I broke-up with him. He went from texting me almost daily & calling me sweet things to becoming distant & not saying anything sweet anymore. It got me curious why, so that’s when I began texting him every few days, but began not getting much out of him, except for a couple one-worded answers or just being ignored by him. He’s 18, younger than I, and still in High School. So, we decided the best thing to do was to keep a secret relationship until he could tell his parents about me because I’m older and have 2 children. His parents are practicing Muslims, but he doesn’t practice the religion because he doesn’t believe in or like it. He felt that my age would be the prime reason they would flip, and wanted to wait until after he graduated to tell them. Keeping the r/ship secret was fun and exciting, at first, but then quickly made me feel neglected because we barely got to see each other. We NEVER spoke on the phone because he didn’t want his parents to suspect anything. We talked for 2 mins., once via phone, but as soon as his mother walked in the front door, I’d been hung up on. So, our convos consisted of texting & facebooking msgs., solely. I broke-up with him because he was ignoring me & felt he wasn’t putting any effort into the r/ship anymore, initially. I know & am utterly confident that he’s not interested in another and that there was no cheating involved or anything. I never cheated on him or anything, either. We talked about moving-in together, marriage, children, he told me that I completed him & that no one understood him like I did, and he could never get bored with me, he was even the one who confessed that he loved me, first. When we were together, we NEVER argued or disagreed about ANYTHING!! We laughed and had such great times all.the.time. We both want the same things in life and I’ve never had a connection with someone this perfect, before. I believe he’s it, the one person I’ve been searching for, but feel I messed things up. I realized that no matter what happened, subsequently, that the secret r/ship was the thing doing us under. So, I did & am guilty of the messaging non-stop & begging, etc., attempting to explain what happened. But I stopped contact 5 days ago when he said, “You’re always gonna be my friend”. I asked if he’d friend-zoned me, and he politely said, “I’m not trying to be mean” & “Remember, we’re still friends”. I told him I couldn’t be just friends & unfriended him on facebook. He said, “Ok I understand. ….. good bye” Do you think it was the right thing for me to unfriend him & telling him I couldn’t just be friends? I really want him back, and it’s not that I’m unhappy with myself or my life because I love my life, self, and happy with where career is going, etc. I just don’t want to lose someone, permanently, that is everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. Do you think it should be him to him to make contact with me? You seem to really understand the whole process, so any of your input would greatly help! Thank you
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Kristin,
    First of all, I have a feeling that all the great quality you are mentioning about him and your r/ship with him were a direct result of being in the honeymoon period of the relationship. Of course, I could be wrong, but I’ll like you to consider this thought. You have been together for just one and half month and you have no idea what type of a person he’ll be in a long term relationship. You have no idea what he’ll be like when you live together with him, and you have no idea how he’ll handle relationship arguments, fights, and other million issues that come with a relationship. So, don’t be too quick to judge that he is the perfect person for you.
    As for you telling him you can’t be friends, I don’t think that did any damage. It might even work to your advantage that you’ve already set your boundaries that you don’t want to be friends with him. Apply no contact for another 25 days. And think real hard about what I said before. If you still want to get back with him, then follow the rest of the plan.
    Reply Link
    • Kristin
      You make a good point about being from the “honeymoon” phase, I didn’t look at it like that. That’s why I like getting other’s perspectives, sometimes! I feel that that could be a small factor, but in combination with the real deal. He’s a scorpio, and I don’t know if you’re familiar with zodiacs, but what I read is that they like to be the one doing the chasing. So, if the woman begins putting all of the effort into attempts of contact, they become less interested and don’t contact as much, anymore. Because it makes the woman look too needy, which is a trait they don’t like in a partner. (I’ve been doing lots of online searches) So, I feel like I know why he began with the distance. But aside from the zodiac thing, when we were physically around each other, we were inseparable. No arguments or fights, handled everything with grace, humor, or love. It was fantastic!!! I never felt so at ease/comfortable with a guy, ever, knowing that I could be my ultimate self and still be able to kiss, hug, and hold hands, etc. without worrying if I said or did something wrong. So, I feel like when we were face-to-face, we solved anything. But when it came to messaging on fb or texting, things got lost in translation, less than a handful of times. But some of those things would escalate. On top of that, that’s during the time when I was coming off as needy. And I’ve already written him a letter (prior to applying nc) explaining that I felt that keeping our r/ship secret was to blame, which I still feel is the main cause of everything, no matter what happened subsequently.
      So, I worry that, if I am the one who’s supposed to make contact after everything I’ve tried to do, won’t it make me seem even more needy and push him further away? Or am I supposed to wait for him to initiate?
      I just feel that he’s deeply wounded for me breaking it off with him and is scared that I would hurt him, further. So, he figured cutting me off would be the best thing, rather than risk getting hurt, again. And I didn’t want to hurt him, in the first place. So, I want to be really strategic in how I do everything, to make sure I don’t “f” up my chances.
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        Hey Kristin,
        There’s a way where you can contact him and still make him feel like he’s chasing you. If you control the conversation and you are always the one to leave him waiting for the reply, he’ll feel like he is chasing you.
        Reply Link
        • Kristin
          Ok, so in 1 week 1/2, it’ll have been 30 days of nc. If those texts you’re speaking of are the ones you mentioned above, I can try them. If there are other examples, I’d like it very much if you could tell me how to view more. But anyway, I wrote a “rough draft” letter and hoped you could put your input on it: “Just thought of when you made me crack-up about the “trip to Turkey” in McDonalds. Your humor was always hysterical. : ) I have so many great memories of when we were together. And I pinpointed exactly what it was that caused me to incorrectly make my decision. It was my fault, and I’m sorry for miscalculating the real reason for the situation. I never said I was perfect and I never wanted to hurt you, one can only learn from our mistakes and keep moving forward. I’m happy you were a part of my life. Hope you’re doing great : )”. Even if I fix any errors and send a revised letter, do I wait again for another month until I send any texts? Or? I feel confused because I feel like I’ve never quite learned the process of getting a person back. I’ve always done things the hard way and just pushed through the pain, thinking it was over for good and kept pressing on. But I’ve learned that in some point in my life, my exes ALWAYS contacted me, again. (No more than a year later, from each) And then tell me that they couldn’t find someone like me, wished they didn’t mess that up, blah blah blah. I just can’t do that, again, because I really don’t want to lose this guy. And I realized that I DO want to be his friend, eventually. So, if you can help me to be that again, I would be most grateful! Thanks : )
          Link
        • Kevin
          Hey Kirstin,
          Wait a couple of weeks after sending the letter then contact him via text. If he contacts you after the letter (and chances are, he will), then you can reply to him and start sending texts earlier. Just remember to stay confident and don’t show any signs of neediness.
          Link
• seema
  My situation is lil bit more worst. there is no word ,i dnt know exactly how should i describe it…we break up 1st time when our relationship was only 8 month old. then he came back and prove me his love and again we r together, then again we broke up when our relation was nearly 1 year old. it was happen because of his doubt, he doubt on me that i am flirting with other guys, but it snot true. if I say hi to anyone it is also a flirt according to him.so he broke up with me. then again after 2 months nearly he came with many conditions.i agree his conditions as i love him a lot and we were together. then after few months he broke up again with same prob.this time according to him we broke up before 6 months when he was in touch with me even 2 weeks back too. he used to talk to me but i felt something missing. he never used to call me regularly and after calling also he used to talk to me for 5 /10 mins hardly. then one day i asked whats going on. he said clearly u know we r not in that relation. i like you. i like to talk to u but nothing much. after that i did not talk to him. he called twice but i did not pick up the call. now i am missing him badly. i want him back. kindly help me what should i do?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Seema,
    You agreed to his conditions (became a doormat) which is one of the biggest mistakes you can do after a breakup. Like I mentioned in the article, he lost respect for you and left you again. Follow the plan, apply the no contact rule and don’t answer his calls.
    Reply Link
• C
  Hello Kevin!
  My break up with A was almost 2 months ago, but the problem is that I was the one who broke up with him, because I couldn´t stand our situation anymore. Our relationship always had some ups and downs, because I started dating him just when I got out from a 4 years relationship (I didn´t have any feelings for the Ex boyfriend anymore, so the previous break up was not a big deal for me) and then I was projecting on A all the issues I had with my previous boyfriend, and I started having expectations that I shouldn´t have had. These problems made us break up and get back again a few times. We stayed together for 5 months.
  So 2 months ago I broke up with A, because I needed time to get over all the expectations and reflections from the previous relationship and realize that I should have a life of my own. In other words, I needed time to stop acting like a crazy person.
  Now that I´m feeling like I have realized all the things I needed, I would like to get back with A, because I know I can make it work now, and because I enjoy being with him.
  I respected the No Contact rules, but we are in the same group of friends, so we saw each other a few times, but with zero contact.
  I knew by a mutual friend that he likes me, and likes being with me, but he´s feeling free now that he´s not having any problems and discussions, any stress, so I´m not sure if he would like to get back with me, and I´m lost not knowing what to do!
  I don´t know how to start a contact with him, since I was the one who broke up with him and since he´s a bit pride. (i´m a bit pride myself, but I´m open to try again)
  What is your opinion about it? Can I still save this up? Should I give us more time so he can see that I´m not that crazy girl anymore? Or if he´s feeling so good now, should I move on
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    I think you have a chance. Just contact him and then ask him out. If he talks to you, he’ll see the changes you’ve made and will probably want to get back together.
    Reply Link
• Sara
  Hi
  I broke up with my boyfriend last week for a silly mistake, and he didn’t forgive me for that , I still love him so much, we have been in a relationship for a year. When he said that our relationship don’t seem to work I try to convince me that we can try and solved it. But he said he won’t change his mind, and I asked he we can take a break from each other and then decide. Then I send him a txt telling him that I accept the break up and wished him all the best, but I didn’t get any reply from him till now. And I still love him and want him back in my life. Do u think there is a hope?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Yes, there’s hope. Contact him again after a month using one of the text messages above.
    Reply Link
• Vince
  Hello,
  My girlfriend and I dated for about 4 months until she wanted a break a little over a week ago. She said she needed some time for herself to think about being in a relationship because her guard is back up. She wanted a break partially because I was always worried about wing cheated on and worried about her talking to other guys because I was cheated on in the relationship before this one. Unfortunately, it took its toll over time and it caused us to argue a lot, but we were a happy couple overall. She says she loves me dearly and doesn’t want anyone else. She said I will always be the one she wants to be with. But what I find weird is that she wanted to talk like normal and hangout during the break last week. Like she wanted me to be all sweet kind of thing because it will make her want me more? It will make her miss those sweet comments. I don’t understand. Well last Friday I jumped to conclusions because I thought she lied about hanging out with friends. I asked her to hangout and she said she had plans with her girlfriends.
  But come to find out, one of her friends didn’t know about it. So i jumped the gun without knowing the whole story and texted her a bunch. She didn’t reply. So I went NC for the weekend and texted her good morning today. She replied with “hey.” But I didn’t respond. I need help on what to do! She loves me a lot and doesn’t want anyone else.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Continue NC for a month. Then contact her. It’ll give her time to miss you and she would’ve decided by then if she wants a relationship with you.
    Reply Link
• bob
  Hi
  Im doing the none contact thing and coping with that. My problem is that my ex lives in a different country that I have now left. I cannot just meet up for coffee, it would have to be a flight to her city. That can never look like ‘lets just meet up’. Any ideas?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    You’ve to carry on the conversation with texts and then proceed to skype. Meetup in case of Long distance is equivalent to skype.
    Reply Link
• Kristy
  Kevin,
  I enjoyed reading your advice. 2 days ago, my boyfriend got mad at me and said he doesn’t think we’re working out and that we need a break. This has happened with him once before in the past. Typically when he gets upset with me, he refuses to talk to me for days or weeks and will not tell me what I did wrong. He has been stressed about his personal life (money, job, etc.), which I think exacerbates our problems. My problem is that I think I’m too nice haha. I am going to do the no contact and see how it goes. The problem is I am good friends with all of his friends and they are already inviting me out to their Super Bowl party. Would it be a bad idea to go? And if I did go, I’m not sure how to act around my ex. We also have a vacation planned in about 25 days with some other couples so this is really bad timing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    If you decide to go for the super bowl, treat him like an acquaintance you are in good terms with. Although, it’ll be really hard to avoid the awkwardness since it’s his friends. As for the couple vacation, if you can cancel it at the last minute, then wait. If your ex asks you to go with him, you can decide whether or not you want to go. If he doesn’t ask, cancel it.
    Reply Link
• Jane
  Kevin,
  My ex and I broke up three weeks ago. We had a wonderful relationship (laughed a lot, were loving and we had similar interests). However the last month we were together I was unhappy with current life happenings and he got stressed because he was about things going on in his life and we began to argue and both said things we shouldn’t have. He couldn’t take it anymore and said he’s just had enough. I was expecting it but I said “is there anything I can do to change your mind?” He stayed strong to his decision and eventually left. I’ve been doing well but he’s been contacting me in the last week and I thought it was okay to reply to him and we got really carried away, giving more compliments than ever, saying he’s proud of my new lifestyle and sounds like he made the right decision because I seem so happy. We’re in the same friendship group so I was pleasant when I saw him but we decided to meet up and it was great but then things got serious he said I don’t want you meeting up with me in hope to get back together. I denied it, of course. He said he’s still really attracted to me, thinks I’m an amazing girl and still cares about me as a person but insists that we ‘clash’ and can’t see us getting back together. Do you think if I cut contact from now on for another month it will change his mind?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    It’s worth a shot.
    Reply Link
• Jocelyn
  Hi,
  I just stopped speaking to my ex yesterday and it hurts. I feel like I’m going crazy.
  We met over two years ago. We fell madly in love but both had suffered recent bad break ups and things just went downhill after a few months. We stayed together for a year, loved each other but fought cobstantky I feel related to fear and misunderstanding.
  We spent another year back and forth playing stupid games and hurting each other. Countless times we both walked away and one of us always reached out. Stupidly, I always broke down saying how much I loved and missed him. On the rare occasion he admitted this as well he ran the next day and stated he did not want a relationship.
  Honestly, I know he loved me and likely still misses me. But every time we start talking again I just get angry and confused as he pulls away as soon as things get serious.
  Any hope there? I’m going no contact today after a huge display of anger and hurtful things said. I felt better telling him how he hurt me as I pretended for a long time things were fine. I was a doormat but he didn’t treat me that way in the beginning. I just miss the good guy he once was and just what that back. After over a year of his indecision would it be wise to even reach out in the future?
  I want him to love and respect me. Now he hates me as I’ve said some very mean things. I feel he will go on hating me forever, even after I have apologized and just stated I couldn’t take being hurt anymore. I’m a great woman. I feel we are both losing out on something amazing.
  Thanks,
  Jocelyn
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Great decision starting no contact. I know it hurts and you feel like contacting him but that’s just the withdrawal symptom. You were so used to your ex that it’s hard for you to imagine your life without him. But give yourself a couple of weeks and you’ll feel a lot better. You’ll be able to make a much better decision about whether or not you should get back together or move on.
    Reply Link
• mary
  Hi.
  I broke up with my boyfriend after dating for just over a year.He cheated on me and is still with his new girlfriend we were in a long distance relationship. I followed your steps above and had no contact for at least 30 days after initially having broken all the rules and begged him to choose me. I initiated contact after over a month of absolute silence, didn’t say much to him only that I was traveling which I was and that I saw a place which reminded me of one of our dates. I then went on to tell him I knew about his cheating prior to the brake up I just never said anything. His response was a simple ok. I’m terrified of texting back because I don’t want to come off as needy. I don’t know if this new relationship of his is a rebound or not considering we were pretty intense before we grew apart started arguing and he confessed about cheating. I have done everything to busy myself in the time, new everything and work is going great too. I still have very strong feelings for him despite me asking myself do I really want him back after all the dishonesty. And have decided I do, if I still had a chance. He responded very quickly to my texts unless this is just me reading too much into it. Do I still have a chance….even after nc he was not been the one to initiate any contact with me?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Mary,
    I’ll respect your decision of wanting to be with him despite his dishonesty, even though I don’t agree with it. Although, I’ll still recommend that you wait another month and go on a few dates before contacting him. I’ll recommend when you send him texts, give him something to respond to. Try to give a friendly vibe in your text. The fact that you mentioned the relationship in your last text kind of made it a serious text instead of a fun one.
    Reply Link
• mackenzie
  Hey my ex and I broke up about 3 weeks ago after about 4 years of dating. He made kindof a small mistake when he was drunk and kissed another girl. I know I overreacted because I have made my fair share of mistakes and he (without question) forgave me right away. I know I screwed up bad by breaking up with him. We really were great together even though we fought it was stupid things that when we looked back realized that there was no real reason to fight about it and always moved on. We always figured out a way to grow from our experiences and our mistakes together. I want him back now because I realized that he really has had such a huge impact on my life and I want that to continue. We both still tell eachother we love eachother and miss eachother but he says we cant be together right now. But then will text and ask to hangout and will send me playfull texts and the. Promptly turn around and say he doesnt want to be with me. What do I do?!?! Help!
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Apply no contact. Tell him since he doesn’t want to get back together, you need some space and time to figure out your feelings. And then cut contact for a month. He and you both will be much more clear on what you want after the month is over.
    Reply Link
• HH
  Hi,
  I messed up. I had feelings for my ex (L) while I was in a relationship. I told my girlfriend (N) that I had feelings for L and it wouldn’t be fair to be in this relationship if my heart was in two places. As a result we broke up. After about 5 months of soul searching I realized that N was much more important to me and mean a lot to me. N and myself started dating again and she agreed cause she still have feelings for me. After 4 months she break it to me that the feeling is dying. And don’t wanna fight for us anymore. The break up was slow and painful and I could still see that she still have feelings for me. She said she just couldn’t bring herself to trust me fully anymore. We were happy during those 4 months. And I didn’t do anything wrong and have even stopped contacting L. I followed my instict before I read this and sent her a string of texts showing my neediness and that I will fight for this love even if she told me not to.
  After minutes of sending her the text. I saw this page. What do I do? Told her I shouldn’t have said it? Please email =[
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey,
    It’s OK. The important thing is that you don’t text her anymore and start applying the no contact rule from now on.
    Reply Link
• Azniv
  Hello,
  My boyfriend of almost 4 years broke it off, but didnt actually say its over. For the first two years we were perfectly happen and in love, than after that this one year we things has changed towards him. He started acting cold towards me, i sometimes even felt like he didnt even love me or cared, but he wasnt telling me anything which he shouldve. Than things got more intense when he had a lot of problems himself, stress, and family problems that he was so angry and moody that he barely even talked to me or concerned about me like he use to. I havent seen him almost a month and it hurts me to much. I feel depressed and sometimes i wanna do revenge on him or even kill myself but i try to stay strong. I have done everything for this guy that no girl would ever do. So, i tried finding out the reason for him acting this way towards me, he first told me im having problems at home and stressed and he couldn’t keep a gf or have time, but that isnt a good reason to break it off , and than i asked him to meet up with me he kept saying i will and never did to discuss whats going on with us he kept avoiding it maybe he cant see me face to face. But, he was okay to meet up with my sister and tell her everything which he shouldnt have because i was the one in the relarionship not my sis and he told her he didnt have feelings for me like that for a year now and he doesnt feel that spark like he did 2 years ago. Hes saying all these confusing stuff and i dont get what is the real truth. He first says he cant have a gf because off all thats going in and now im finding out he doesnt feel the same with me anymore and im thinking if u didnt feel the same why didnt u cut it off a year ago instead of still being with me? I dont know what else to do anymore. Im lost, hurt, torn, stressed. Please give me advise. Thank you
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Azniv,
    It’s very common for guys to lose interest in a relationship after a while. But the good news is, you can reignite the spark that he thinks is lost. Just apply no contact and follow the plan.
    Reply Link
• Dave
  Hi Kevin, great article and very sound advice. I have a brief question. During the no contact period, would that exclude to going to marriage counselling together to discuss issues? There has been infidelity on her part and feel like I am dragging her along to therapy, so I think this may now be a poor choice at at cross purposes with the objective of ‘no contact’. We are just about to seperate as she wants space, in her texts she says she loves me but space is the only thing she can think to do right now to deal with her guilt and regret for her affair. Would welcome your thoughts
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Dave,
    I think MC can actually help if she is willing to put in the effort. But if she wants space, don’t force her into counselling. Yes, it will defeat the purpose of no contact, but you can still benefit from no contact if you are not in touch with her outside of MC.
    Reply Link
• shruti
  Hey, he contacted me after a long time and we started having a normal conversation. then he came down to meeting n all i want him back but i want to play smartly now please help
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Well, take it slow. Don’t be needy. Let him chase you. And above all, put yourself before him.
    Reply Link
• Jenna
  Hi Kevin,
  I’ve had a crazy encounter with a guy i met on the internet, I went to visit him and we had a crazy week of sex. But when I came back home he stopped contacting me, only answering if I was the first making a move. So I deciced to block his contact on every online apps, to see if he would have contacted me via telephone. But he didn’t, so after 4 days I unblocked and started doing all the wrong things you described… I wanted to call him and begged a lot. He said he was angry because I blocked him and that it was my fault, but I told him that he changed since I was back. It’s since we first argued about the “block” that we don’t call and it’s passed a month.. he’s been ignoring all my calls, even when I used to ask him via text if I could have called him in the evening and he replied “ok”, but then at night he didn’t pick up. Is there hope I’ll ever hear him again? I’ve started the NC rule for 4 days now and he hasn’t called/texted yet. I wish i knew what’s behind this! And are there hopes he wants to be back?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    There’s too much uncertainty to understand what’s behind this. He’s just someone you spent a week with. You don’t know him at all. For all you know, he could be a spy working for the MI6. But yeah, follow the plan and see what happens. If it doesn’t work, move on. Don’t invest more of your time and energy on someone you don’t know.
    Reply Link
• Didi
  Hi,
  I was dating this guy for about 4-5 months and he broke up with me, saying that he just wanted to be friends. I told him it was fine with me but after a week I decided that I could not be friends with him since I liked him too much. I did NC for over two months and then I added him to FB with the hope that we can take it slow. But I saw on FB that he was in a relationship with another girl, and that broke my heart. I found out that he was dating both of us at the same time!!!
  Anyway, about two months after the first contact, he invited me to his birthday party and I couldn’t understand why he would since his girlfriend will be there? So, I decided not to go. I told him I had other plans and wished him a happy birthday.
  Next week I’m going with some friends to this bar (was planed over a week ago) but I just find out from his FB that he is going to be there too.
  I’m not sure what to do and how to act when I see him.
  I would really appreciate your advice.
  Thanks
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey,
    Just enjoy your drinks with your friends. Let him see you looking confident and sexy and think “why the heck did I leave her”. You’ll have to interact with him. Just be cool and treat him like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.
    Reply Link
• Sean
  Hey Kev,
  Long story short – my girlfriend of 5 1/2 years broke up with me a month ago, saying she had never been on her own (true, she’s had boyfriends constantly since she was 13 and met me when she was 16, she’s now 22) and needs to find out if she can live without having anyone to lean on, at least for now, but she made it clear that we would definitely see each other again even though she couldn’t say when. Before that she was always talking about marriage and kids, she even had decided what their names would be etc. I had been neglecting her for a while because of work but the break-up still felt out of the blue. I’ve followed your advice since then by doing no contact, working on myself and seeing a couple of other girls (who are fun but honestly just do not compare). However, a couple of days ago I had to text my ex to ask for some stuff back that I need for work, she called me and we got talking and now we’re meeting next Friday night. During the call she was saying things like “you sound so much more mature” and “you seem like you’re doing really well”, which I suppose I have been (thanks to your advice!). Is it too soon to start thinking about trying to get her back and she’s maybe just testing the waters, or is this just one of those break-ups that works itself out quicker than most? I don’t want to move too fast in case she hasn’t had time to do whatever it is that she thought she needed.
  You have really helped me get through the grief and recovery process (admittedly for the first week I didn’t handle it well, but that was before I found this site) and I’m certain that I want her back, just not sure about the timing… I would really appreciate anything that you can offer.
  Thanks,
  Sean
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Sean,
    You already got a date, so go ahead and meet her. Just remember to be confident and happy. Even if it’s too soon for her, she’ll get the image of the “new you” in her head after the date. And that image will stay in her mind and work to your advantage. So, yeah, you don’t have anything to lose, unless you declare your undying love for her as soon as you see her. Just be confident and don’t give her the slightest idea that you are hoping to get back together. At least not on the first date.
    Reply Link
• sherice
  Hey kevin,
  I found this website very helpful and insightful.I went thru a break up, but I did the break up.For my situation it was something I had to do.I really did not feel like I was my best shape for him I didn’t want to make him miserable.I had a lot of signs that came clear to me.Like him not calling me or texting me back when I was trying to reach him now this was happening while I was in the relationship with him!!.when we have sex it will take a hard time for him to get an erection..that let me know he wasn’t as into me as I was to him..Now that I have basically saved myself from a huge decision that I was about to make, because I really don’t think my needs would have been met.His would have, but not mines.Had I would have went on with my decision I know I would been miserable.that was why I made my decision to break up.But why do I feel like I lost?..Can you please answer that for me?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Sherice,
    You feel lost because you lost something. You lost something precious. And it’s human nature to feel like this when they loose something. Even if losing that something was the right thing to do, you still feel this way. I guess you just need to give it some time. There are a lot of resources on the internet that can help you with moving on from a breakup. Search for them and I hope you start feeling better soon.
    Reply Link
• Karla
  Hey,
  My ex and I did long distance for 3.5 years, but still intimate and intense. Honestly, more than a relationships we were companions, best friends.
  He broke up with me 5 months ago (legitimate reasons that were heightened by the distance) did no contact then by chance of a business meeting I ended up in his, we hooked up but were on different pages. He was hurting and wanted me in his life but not in a relationship. We stayed in touch after but I finally told him I couldn’t pretend I was okay with this. Around this time I also felt he was seeing someone because of his tone. After I told him I couldn’t be his friend, he stopped contacting me. I then found out he’s dating.
  I might be moving to his town in two months for work which freaks me out haha – any suggestions? I’m doing NC right now.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Two months is enough for no contact. So you do have a pretty good chance of getting back together at that point. All the best.
    Reply Link
• James
  I have been with my fiancé for 6 years and we broke up a week ago. She said I don’t make her happy anymore and doesn’t think she’s in love with me. She had a friend move in before all this happened. The friend is single, parties all the time, and is always being chassed by guys. Two days afterwards she started saying all these things to me. To make things worse I also found out that a few days before the breakup she was talking to other guy behind my back. We still lived together for a few days before I moved out. That was three days ago. I didn’t say anything to her the day I was packing my stuff and the three current days. I’m starting to think did I do the right thing. I love her more then words can describe and I gave her my heart. I still want to marry her and have a family like we talked before all this happened. What should I do?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    James, think about it for some time. It’s just been 3 days. I know you love her, but stay in NC for at least 30 days and think real hard if you want a relationship with her. If you still want her back after 30 days, contact her.
    Reply Link
• Kajsa
  Hey Kevin, so my boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago after 4,5 years together. I never saw it coming, we were in the talks of moving in together and all. Thing is, things haven’t been so great the past months and I knew/know that and I can see why things went the way they did. But the truth is, he lost hope in our relationship and really stopped fighting even though he didn’t quite realize it until the point where there was no return. But yes, I still didn’t think it would come to this and in this way.
  To make matters worse I’ve naturally done everything wrong, calling him basically every day, being sad, asking all sorts of questions about everything, trying to understand cause that’s what I do – I need all the pieces of the puzzle.
  To make matters EVEN worse I found out that he actually spent the night at a girl friend’s house, sleeping with her – as in sleeping Zz, not sex – and making out, hugging and doing all the things that were special for us and it freaked me out, I called, we met, we talked, I cried and yelled “How the hell could you do this to me!?”. Although I believed he deserved it, especially since he told me nothing (I found out by accident) even though I literally asked him about this girl, wondering if he had feelings for her, and that I was scared he did and would “move on with her”.. Now he assures me it wouldn’t have happened unless he was wasted and that it won’t happen again but.. It’s hard not to think about the two of them together.. And it’s hard not to worry since they spend every single day together cause they study the same programme.
  Now I read through the Relationship Rewind thing and it sounds very good, a good game plan. Thing is, I don’t KNOW if I want him back right now, I do think we both need this but I want there to at least be hope for the future, a hope which he is determined not to share with me, and that hurts, that he can be “so sure”. So I’m at least going to try the RR way and see where it leads me, right now I just need to get out of this emotional hell I’m in. And my main question right now is that yesterday we decided to have some distance but that we would see each other some day this week, I have some stuff I want back and when we decided this I still felt like I needed to talk and we made this plan before I even found this page and RR. So I’m wondering, what am I to do when I see him according to the Relationship Rewind plan? What is the best strategy? After this I will do step 2 and 3, but what do I tell him now? Other then that I’m okay with the break up and want to be friends and all that which Ryan said. Please help, I don’t want to make matters worse and I want to ignite the hope for a future together, cause right now, I desperately need that hope. Thanks for great advice, I hope there’s more
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    If you are just meeting to get some of your stuff back, you don’t really need to say much. Just be cool and don’t talk about anything personal. Keep the conversation short and sweet. All the best.
    Reply Link
    • Kajsa
      Thanks for answering. What we’re doing is basically meeting for coffee. One more question though, how do I bring about the whole no contact-thing? Cause we agreed that we should keep some distance, but I shouldn’t tell him “we shouldn’t talk for a while” right? That would ruin the whole thing. I should be confident, not talk about his deal with the other girl, not about anything that’s happened or about the future? Should I tell him I’m okay with the break-up and it might actually be a good thing? That I don’t want to know anything about anything, cause Saturday I told him I did (if what happened with the girl happened again), that he should tell me.
      Thing is, up until Sunday I was a complete and utter mess and I would think it’d seem suspicious if I just pulled a total 180, I mean, he knows me..
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        There’s no need to mention no contact. Just talk about things unrelated to the relationship and each other’s personal life. If it comes up, then yes you should tell him you are OK with the breakup. And there’s no need to talk about the girl. You are just starting no contact, so yeah, he’ll be a little suspicious. That’s why you should keep it as short as possible.
        Reply Link
        • Kajsa
          Hey Kevin, me again. So the situation is this, I wrote him a letter last week, saw him and we talked and ended it kind of on good terms, agreeing not to talk for a while. However both this Saturday and next we’re basically being forced to see each other, all of our friends are pretty much mutual.. It kinda ruins the whole no-contact-and-then-make-transformation-and-he’ll-be-wowed-when-we-finally-meet-thing. What do I do? Thing is, I made up my mind that I did NOT want to see him or want him to come, but at the same time I do want to see him.. Should I not go? That also doesn’t seem right, letting this keep me from seeing my friends. Any good advice?
          Link
        • Kevin
          Go to meet your friends. Have fun with them and treat your ex like an acquaintance you are in good terms with. As long as these meetings are not too frequent, it shouldn’t be a problem. If you are actually making transformation, it’ll still be very effective after the no contact period.
          Link
• Dada
  Hi Kevin,
  I read your entire steps on getting your ex back. That I must say is the work of a pro. Thank you for that. However, as much as I will love to still have some form of relationship with my ex-girl, I am very skeptical if it will ever be possible.
  We got intense into each other, I loved her so much before I knew I did. I will say she picked me up, I became her first and she was my first serious love though I am a lot older than her. I fell deep later into our relationship because I just got to love a lot of things about her.
  For no reason, one evening, I wanted to talk to her and she told me, she doesn’t like having talks with you. That was shocking and painful, it was through who I was she fell in love with me and through that same me, she hated something. But it was definitely something that was going on that she didn’t want to let me know. It was something deep down her heart.
  There we started to disagree, argue and according to her fight, I thought that was an exaggeration. Before I knew it for the very first time ever, she walked away from me. She never did that but she did. Little did I know she was on her way out literally. When she got to her place, she started to text me on why we haven’t been getting along lately. Good question I said, but is that me? usually I comply with her and accommodate her wishes. Man, if I had known from what you wrote earlier, I would have prevented this whole thing from happening. But on and on it unfolded and got ugly. She said we needed time off later that night, I still didn’t get this. Time off? I asked. At this point I thought she had me in the dark and I was pushing to know what she was up to in her mind.
  She didn’t want to see me but I managed my way into her, she became upset and again disagreement dropped. Finally she said, she think we should be friends at this point. I was so hurt but not surprise knowing that this is what she wanted all this time but just couldn’t put it somewhere that could make sense. The reasons that follows didn’t convince me but she said she didn’t care.
  The next day she started to break the news, pull down everything on Facebook. I felt like I was going to die, seriously. I did and said things that weren’t right and it was all to my ruin. She actually made efforts to mend things and I blew it out of proportion. Now, I have no means of contact with her, she blocked my phone, fb, everything. She also asked that I should never send her a mail again all because she needed her space she said. Her friends, some wouldn’t even talk to me, she even blocked some of my friends as well. I feel like a loser but this is my first time that all of this happened. When I see her, I feel like I will throw up. Not that I hate her but too overwhelming pressure within.
  What is your take, I don’t think she is dating anyone around. She is the kind who can live without a man I understood. I will definitely hurt to see her going out with somebody. Even the pain of her not talking to me alone is heavy on me. At this point I think she meant it when she said she’s done talking to me. I thought I could get her to think otherwise but truth me told, she is very adamant and I feel like throwing in the towel.
  I on the other hand is broken into pieces and this all happened almost two months now. No signs of anything ever getting better and healing doesn’t seem possible.I need help. I try to do a lot of things just to forget her but nothing seems to be working. What is my take from this with your vast pool of ideas and advice?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    So, I take it you haven’t contacted her for two months? If so, that’s a great start. If not wait a month before making the next move. I’d begin by sending her the letter. It could be email or hand written. Your choice. And then again stop contact for another month. Then contact her again using text messages. If even at this point she is adamant and doesn’t want to talk to you, you should throw in the towel. But IMO, she is just angry because of the way you reacted and she will cool down if you give her time.
    Reply Link
• Jin
  hey Kevin!
  Your advice was really great and it helped me relax a bit and get my mind off things. My girlfriend and I broke up about 2 weeks ago but during those weeks i have contacted her… and i have begged and her stuff you said not to do. Before we broke up we decided to go to Paris together and we already bought the tickets before we broke up. She promised that she would go but then suddenly said that she doesnt want to. I convinced her somehow and she said “Ok i will go with you one last time. but afterwards I will never do anything like this again”
  It will be in 10 days. I was wondering if I do the no contact period now… if things will work out? I know you said it takes a month but I just wanted to know… Also, I was hoping to propose to her… because in my mind I had a thought that I wouldnt make any moves… I would wait for her to hold my hand or hug me tight or even kiss me… And I thought that would be the best time to grab her one last time. What do you think? Once again. Thanks for your awesome advice!!
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    OK, it’s a tricky situation. It could be that she is thinking a trip to Paris is too good to pass. Or she might be thinking that there is a chance of reconciliation on that trip. IMO, a trip can be risky since you’ll be together all the time and you won’t get the advantage of leaving on a high note (which works great in case of a coffee date).
    But, it can also be advantageous if you can maintain your calm and confidence during the entire trip and do not show any signs of neediness. Proposing her is again risky. It depends on the reason she broke up with you. If she broke up with you because you were not ready to commit, proposing her is a great idea. But if she broke up with you because she lost attraction and doesn’t feel she is in love with you, proposing her might backfire. I wouldn’t recommend you propose her unless you are absolutely sure she’ll say yes.
    Reply Link
    • Jin
      Well… The reason she broke up was because she said… she doesnt know where this relationship is going. she has nothing to forward to. and shes bored of the same things… she said that she wants to feel fresh when meeting her friends instead of having me at the back of her mind, she told me she wouldnt date for a long time… Few days ago i found out she went to a night club and it broke my heart hearing that she danced with a guy all night… and when the guy asked for her number, she told me she didnt give it because she wasnt ready for a relationship. but then she suddenly posts on fb that shes trying to find that guy. I asked her why and she said…” because, i gave him my fb account but he didnt add me. I dont want to date him or anything. it was only a one night flirt thing. But him not adding me makes him you know… mysterious”…
      I dont know if im being clear or talking in a jumbled way… sorry. But I just dont know what she wants…
      On the day we broke up I asked her if she still loves me and cares about me. she said “i do… and when im with u im so happy. but when we arent together i feel bored. i want to be free from this relationship which isnt going anywhere”
      but… i thought it would be a great idea to propose to her for her to have something to look forward to in life i guess… but if shes slowly forgetting me till the day we go to paris… then i think she will say no to my proposal. What do you think Kevin…?
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        Hey Jin,
        I don’t think she’ll forget you by the time you go to Paris, so don’t worry about that. However, I don’t think it’s a good idea to propose since it’s a very risky move. I think you should wait until you get back together before proposing. Besides, I don’t believe you should get married with someone just to give them something to look forward to in life. Even if she says yes, I think it’ll be for the wrong reason and you might end up getting hurt even worse in the future.
        Reply Link
• Jonathan
  Hey Kevin,
  I need some strong advice here. To an unusually tricky situation.
  I live in Sweden and my ex lives in Germany. She came here to be with me for a time and we had started to plan going to the next step. I was 19 when she came and I’m now 20. During her time here I didn’t really get a hold of my life, I also didn’t quite appreciate her as much as I should have. I was still living at home with her here and she had issues getting citizenship. In the end she left me. I begged her to stay and I cried my heart out, realising what I had lost just then.
  That day was chaos by your list. I did everything wrong. The day after that I contacted her again. We had a bit of a fight and she ended up hanging up on me. I sent her a rose afterwards. And we didn’t talk for a week. She came back and said she wanted to talk to me and that she had missed me. We had a long talk and she said she felt relieved after it and was a little dicey about what she wanted. She told me to contact her once the citizenship arrived. The next day she sent me a text, she wanted to show me a video. We had a short text talk she said during that session that she wanted to be just friends from this point on. The next day (today) the citizenship arrived. I told her about it in the most platonic matter possible, as she had requested. We kept on texting a bit afterwards, I made sure that she was fueling the conversation.
  Since she left I’ve gone to a therapist for my phsycological issues (social phobia), I’ve started getting my drivers license, I’ve gotten a job and I’ve started looking for my own place. As I move forward I try and think that she will come back if I change. She says that she can’t trust me anymore. And are afraid of disappointment. I was going to keep off her and come back slowly, but with the citizenship expiring in 12 days I had to tell her about it. What do I do from this point on? Since the citizenship will expire it’ll take several months again if she’d want to come back later. It should have been a huge encouragement that it arrived. Thanks for any advice you can give.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Jonathan,
    I guess it’s a good idea to stay in contact till she has the citizenship. Although, do not push her to meet you or look needy in any way. If she initiates flirting, flirt back. If she asks to meet, meet. But don’t be the first one to make a move. Even if she goes back, you can still initiate contact and make things work, so don’t ruin it by being hasty.
    Reply Link
    • Jonathan
      The situation just got more troublesome. I found out she started talking to someone else and she’s been talking to him alot.
      I recieved the citizenship and contacted her about it. But she didn’t want it anymore and said she wanted to be just friends from this point on. The day before she met the other guy, I found out. So she was considering comming back, up until that point.
      She continued trying to talk to me casually by saying just hello and asking how I’m doing. After that I didn’t answer she feared that I had tried to commit suicide so I had to answer her. We talked on skype and it ended up in a long half-tragic talk and then we cut contact, she said she wanted to cut it for atleast a month.
      So at this point I’m just sitting here, taking it day by day watching as she is online 27/7 on whatsapp. Late nights, early mornings. Always online talking to someone.
      I feel like I’ve lost this one
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        Hey Jonathan,
        TBH, I feel like that you’re better off without her. You probably still have a chance with her (I think you never went through complete no contact), so you can try no contact and see how it goes. You can even try being friends with her and build attraction slowly. But in my opinion, it’ll be easier to just cut your losses and move on.
        Reply Link
        • Jonathan
          No, the no contact is still going. I’ve kinda recovered pretty good and right now looking forward I want to stay with her and see what she wants in the end. I know you’ll say I’m suffering from post breakup syndrome, but I actually feel quite comfortable with her as a person. And since the main issue lies within myself I would really like to give this a shot.
          Thanks for the advice tho man. It really helps, I admire your dedication to helping people out. I’ll just stay off her until she comes back to me, and try and apply your rules.
          Link
• Charlotte
  Hey,
  Firstly I just want to say I think your website it great and has some truly useful advice on here.
  Its been about 2 weeks since I came out of a year long relationship with someone I was friends with for a long time before our relationship began. Pretty much everyday since we broke up we’ve both been texting each other and having short conversations when we bump into each other, but he acts as if he’s happy and fine most of the time. I made a lot of the obvious mistakes to start with (reasoning, pleading) but decided to go ahead with the no contact starting today.. However, we had an argument yesterday regarding mutual friends and the reason we broke up was because of arguments, although we had a very good relationship and worked well together when we weren’t arguing. I’m just unsure as to whether an issue like this can be resolved with the no contact rule? Could not seeing me or talking to me for a month really make him miss me, or would he just realise he is better off?
  I also don’t know what to do in regards to other boys. I was asked out by someone and told my ex this (as we were talking and I’m always horribly open) and he immediately said I should turn down his offer. Perhaps for him to see me out with others would make him regret his decision, or would it just push him away?
  Thank you!
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Charlotte,
    I think in your case it might be better to not date someone until the no contact period is over. And yes, no contact can make him miss you. The way you handle conflict can make or break a relationship. Luckily, it’s a skill you can learn. I highly recommend the book “Non-violent Communications” by Roosenberg. Give it a read during no contact.
    Reply Link
    • Charlotte
      Thank you. I will definitely wait a few months before seeing someone else, but I have another issue. Throughout the duration of our relationship we always agreed we’d be friends no matter what, as we share friends and see each other around a lot.. Since coming across this site I’ve stopped my clingy behavior, and stopped being needy and become more indepdant, however I think he has sensed this and is continuously texting me. I’m unsure whether to ignore him, or to tell him straight that I just need space, although if I did that after the no contact he may feel betrayed by me and not even want friendship from me, which ultimately would make the whole thing worse. Will check out the book!
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        How will he feel betrayed if you tell him that you need some space and time? You need space and time for yourself? ?If that’s the case, didn’t he betray you by breaking your heart and leaving you? And yet, you still want to be with him.
        Just let him know in a calm and rational manner that you need some time on your own. I think he’ll understand.
        Reply Link
• Nicole
  Hello,
  I was in almost a 4 1/2 year relationship and now he has decide to be done with me this past Friday. We have been in this grey area and a split for 2 months with him always pleading to give him a chance. About a week ago we had an intimate moment in bed. And later that day he said he didn’t fell the same. So I asked are you done with me and I got the go around with you pushed me away and I pushed you away. So then I lost it. I went over and demand for the few big ticket things I had there and was not allowed in the house. He apologized the next more and left me with hope I may have a chance. And then I did a few things you specifically said not to do. I called, messaged him and pleaded to give me a chance. And all I received was text messages over and over I’m done, enough is enough, I’m not going back and the phrase but you don’t know about the future. Which left me even more confused. So I gave him space and the following day he messaged me asking for information about my laptop, I responded civilly. And received a mean messaged this Monday stating that he doesn’t feel comfortable in the area he lives in because he feels like he has to watch for me. Trust me I am not a stalking kind of person and we live in a small town. 6 hours after that messaged he sent another text asking to buy my laptop. I didn’t respond for awhile and we had another civil conversation and I stopped responding. All of this is puzzling to me because if he is done why is he messaging me for information? And at that, I learned later he has been seeing someone for a few weeks. And I recall seeing her pop up on his phone while we trying to fix things. Is his new relationship a rebound? And what makes it difficult is we share a dog, that I am unable to see. I do not want to be with him because of our dog. I want a chance to work things out because I was an independent and happy person in the first place, and he was just an added bonus to being happy. I know I have to work on myself. Is there even a chance he still cares or has he really moved on?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    I think you have a chance and he is still in love with you. Just follow the plan.
    Reply Link
• Pay
  Hello,
  My ex broke up with me in October. There was a period of me begging and being a doormat, but that ended in about two weeks before I stopped texting him, then stopped talking to him all together (we’re in a few classes together, so I saw/see him everyday). I did no contact twice after messing up the first time. We have now been texting and talking on friendly terms for about a month.
  The problem is, I can’t tell if he still has feelings for me. Right after we broke up, he pursued another girl who soon rejected him. But they were friends before and wanted to stay that way, so he had the opportunity to be all over her. He has definitely gotten better about that, and now treats her like a normal friend. But sometimes I think I catch him glancing at her, and I’m not sure if he’s completely over her.
  When my ex and I talk, he often brings up sexual memories of us, in a joking way I think. I don’t know if he misses me, or how to tell if he does. I’m afraid he’s still preoccupied by the other girl.
  Do you have any advice on how to tell? Or how to remind him of his feelings for me?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Keep the texts going and stop worrying about him checking some other girl out. It’s completely normal for guys to check out their girl friends sometimes. Ask him out for coffee or some other fun date.
    Reply Link
• Tamera
  Hi Kevin!
  First thanks sooo much for this guide! It has given me so much hope for getting back with my ex.
  My ex and I broke up technically about a month ago, but I didn’t believe that he was serious until this past weekend. We had been together for 4 years and had a pretty great relationship. We were extremely close and did a lot together. We were truly in love with each other. In the recent months leading up to our breakup, I’ll admit that I was feeling bored and impatient with the pace of things. I either wanted him to express that he was interested in marriage or I felt like I was gonna need to start moving on. I was stupid to pressure him and then push him away when he wasn’t reciprocating.
  I told him that I wanted to take a break thinking that I’d be able to date and maybe see if the grass was greener not realizing that my nonchalant request for a break hurt him deeply. That night he tried to reason with me but I was acting like I wasn’t hearing it. By the time I came back the next day to smooth things over he said he wanted to break up. For that month I felt like we needed space so I stayed away and went out feeling like we’d get back together. But the more I tried to go back to the way things were, the less interested he was. It started to dawn on me that the breakup was serious.
  This past weekend after not seeing him since Christmas Day, he came over to watch the Super Bowl with me. Somewhat foolishly, I looked into his phone and realized that he has been talking to someone new. That’s when things became totally real and I freaked out. I knew that I loved him and wanted him back but now I was like OMG he’s moving on and he’s serious. He had been telling me that we were done and seeing the texts with the new girl made it real.
  I broke all the rules and begged and cried and freaked out and begged some more. I cried for 24 hours straight thinking I’d lost him forever. He keeps telling me that he doesn’t want to be with me and he sees nothing in me that would make him want me again.
  For the past couple of days, he’s voluntarily sent me texts asking if I’m okay. First day no but today, I started off a wreck but gradually got better. We spent most of the day texting like we always used to. As long as we don’t discuss our relationship or breakup he wants to talk as normal.
  I’m optimistic on one hand but on the other I’m terrified that he’s going to get serious with this girl who he says he’s known for years before me and always liked. That’s my biggest fear. I’m having a hard time thinking about not contacting him. I know how he is and I know how he’ll latch on to this new chick and he’s a great catch so I know she’ll latch on to him. He’s so definitive in saying that we’re done and that he wants to see what’s out there. But I know he loves me and he said if it weren’t for me asking for a break, we would still be together. Us texting is the only link we still have right now. Is cutting off contact really wise in our situation?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Tamera,
    Do you really think staying in contact with him will stop him from dating this girl? If so, then continue contact with him. But in my experience, by being in contact with him you are giving him the feeling that he still has you even if he starts dating the other girl. You’ll end up becoming his backup.
    Reply Link
• Hopeful
  My ex of 5 years broke up with me two months ago saying even though I am the ideal girl for him, he can’t see himself marrying me because he felt that our communication styles are different and he loves me but not in love with me anymore. However the few weeks leading up to the breakup he was still being affectionate, did special things, told me he loved me etc. When we broke up i said to him i realised where we went wrong and hope that at some point in the future we can still pick up where we left things off and he said “you never know, these things work in mysterious ways”. He had broken up with me once before due to similar reasons (he started going out with me 6 months after he broke up with his ex of two years whom he resented and was very hurt from it) and he said he wasn’t in love with me at that point and wasn’t ready for a committed relationship but then 3 weeks later during NC he contacted me saying that he wanted to try again and he did love me but was just scared.
  I knew for the last 6 months of the relationship i started acting immaturely and instead of communicating to him what i want i acted like a child and gave him the silent treatment instead of communicating like an adult. I have not spoken to him in a month and have cut all contact with him and i deactivated my facebook, and i also heard from my friend that he’s also deleted all my friends off facebook. We also didn’t agree on a NC timeframe.
  Is there still hope? I feel like neither of us have tried our hardest to make the relationship work, even after the first time we got back together….
  We didn’t agree on a NC period of time
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    I think you still have hope. When you think you are ready, contact him using one of the methods mentioned in the 5 step plan.
    Reply Link
• S
  Hey Kevin,
  My ex and I broke up exactly a year ago. I broke up with him for religious reason but I’m still in love with him till today. We were currently talking and catching up with everything until I said if we could meet up, he told me it would be inappropriate because his with someone now. 6 months ago, he heard that I was seeing someone and asked around if I was actually with or seeing that person. His obviously with his new gf now and I’m still sitting here in love with him.. till today I can’t forget all the memories we’ve had because his left a big impact on my life and I don’t want to give up. What should I do?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Stop contact with him. As long as you stay in contact with him, you won’t realize whether or not he’s good for your life.
    Reply Link
• Nina20
  Hi kevin.
  My boyfriend broke up with me 8 days ago. We were together for about a year. Our problem was that we were fighting over and over and over again almost every day at the end. The thing is that although i was a difficult person i had become very loving and caring at the end and i was trying so hard for us and even though i knew he loved me i could see the last two months that he was getting tired he was not the same i dont know i had issues. Also he was kinda lazy the last month which was making me go crazy since he had responsibilities as his university. I know he treated me very good especially at the beggining but at the end we got tired and i could see he was losing himself. After the break up,the next day i contact him few times with no response. At all! After 6 days i left a letter under his doormat and text him that i left something. He didnt answer. I never contact him again since then. I know he got hurt from my behaviour through our relationship but so was i as i was watching him being indifferent and selfish. What should i do do i have any aaaany chance of getting back together ?He seems very determined and also he is very selfish.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Nina, it’s just been 2 days since you didn’t message him. Stay away from him for 30 days before talking to him again. And yes, you do have a chance. But think long and hard before getting back together. You both might not be as compatible as you think.
    Reply Link
• Chris
  My girlfriend of five years kicked me out of our house after I was caught flirting with a friend and made plans to see her despite my ex not knowing and not approving. I put her through hell for five months, reassuring her, lying to her face. I spent two weeks begging, pleading trying to explain. She is now moving out of that house too. I no longer contact her unless she contacts me regarding the stuff I have to pick up from the house. She has said she needs time to figure out if this can be fixed at all which gives me hope, she also said to my counselor that she would need to see changes. It’s been about five weeks since I had to leave, I’m still incredibly sad and miss her badly
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Chris,
    I hope she does give you another chance and things work out great. Meanwhile, continue working yourself and make some positive changes in your life.
    Reply Link
• Marko
  Hey Kevin,well i broked up on 4th february,now its day one of No contact period.I wont talk to her in any way for 30 days,I really love her i am her first boyfriend and i wanted to explain u what happend an whats the problem,i seek your knoweldge.Well i was with her for 6 months we got really in love after 2 months after she told me on one party that she really loves me now,i knew she meant it bc her best friend told me that when they were alone at her place she told her that she would never broke up with me.This girl has serious problem with bonds bc she has problems with her parents an she thinks bc of that that bonding with people isnt very good idea an that i cant change that in her head(she said that when she broke up with me).She first told me that she doesnt love me anymore an that she wants to finish school an be alone,well i think she lies an just gave the stupid reason to leave me.So kevin what should i do an how should i act ?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey, you already know what should you do. Follow no contact and give her some space and time to realize what she wants.
    Reply Link
    • Marko
      Ok,but after the no contact should i meet her ,after i see if shes feeling better an if shes ready to talk me because i talekd with her best friend and she told me that she will see how is she gonna feel throught this month an when should i act,so what do you think should i ask her for a walk(but not date,just simple face to face walk),i thought about giving her a present (a necklace with a little letter note in a box) which will remind her about our good time an the most important thing an thats the bond which we made together,because i think i should focus on that an open her eyes.I mean i wont ask her to be wtih me il put in the letter that i dont want to force her to be with but that i will accept whatever she decides.The purpouse of the present is realizing whats bond an how much did we admire it .I taught that i would win her heart again with that.
      P.S
      I just wanted to ask you if this is a good plan ,an what should i change.I just dont want to mess up things.
      Thank kevin ,im grateful
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        Hey Marko,
        I don’t recommend giving an ex a present. The reason being it seems needy. Besides, it will seem like you are pushing her (by reminding her) to learn to have close bond with someone. And if you push her for the very thing she is afraid of, she might get scared of it and put her defenses up. I think you should just take things slowly because if she realizes you want her to come back and be close to you again, she will back off.
        Reply Link
        • Marko
          Ok Kevin ,i would just like to know how should I treat her after no contact period bc she will be normal after this period I know her ,i just want to know what’s the best thing to do after that ,an what should I do to make her feel safe with me an how should I be attractive to her again .I want to make the plan so I won’t screw up .Because I know what does she like an what has connected us .I can come up with another thing which will made her happy.I want to remind her of something which made her happy because i will make her attractive to me again, you said I should do that in step 4.So I’m just reconsidering what’s the best plan to come up with .
          Link
        • Kevin
          Hey, if you make a lot of positive changes in your life during no contact, she’ll automatically be attracted to you after no contact. You should just try to have fun with her, and take things slow.
          Link
  • Marko
    Hey kevin i just wanted to ask you when is the time to strike .Because her best freind an i are talking an thinking about all of this which happened an i want you to tell me if its alright to strike if she tells me shes ready to go out with me to talk about everything?
    Reply Link
• George
  Me and my ex were together for 9 months and friends for 6 months prior. We were deeply in love and still love eachother, she broke up 3 weeks ago. She sent some nasty texts after i contacted her a week ago. She finally revealed that she thought I treated her badly for the whole relationship.
  She said she didn’t want me to contact her for 6 months, and I said that as much as I wanted to contact her, I would restrain myself and wait. She has not initiated contact with me since the breakup.
  How does this affect the no-contact rule? I imagine I’d have to wait longer than 6 months to make it seem like I’m not needy and don’t want to contact her, rather than it seem like I had waited out the 6 months to contact her.
  When should I contact her again?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Around 7-8 months. But you should really start dating and learn to be happy without her. It’s just been 3 weeks now. Your perspective will change a lot in these 7-8 months.
    Reply Link
    • George
      I’ve already started moving on – but 7-8 months seems to me like that would completley allow her to forget me and find another partner. Heck, I probably will too by then.
      She said she still loved me on the phone when I contacted her (she seemed emotional and confused). Could I just wait the 30 days, give it a go and then just forget it if she refused to meet up?
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        I like the idea of contacting her after 30 days. She will probably be in a much better place emotionally in 30 days. So yeah, it might work.
        Reply Link
• paul
  Hey kev, I just broke up with my girlfriend. Actually she’s the one who started. According to her, I dont do fun thing with he. She’s currently seeing this guy who leaves miles away from town. We are still friends. We talk, but I want her back. The time i saw her, she cried. She said she still love me but not inlove. How can I get her back plz
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Apply no contact for a while.
    Reply Link
    • Paul
      Hey kev, what if she move on during the nocontact periode. I’m scared to lose her
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        Hey Paul,
        That’s a risk, but a very small one. In most cases, no contact makes your ex miss you more. On the other end, if you keep on contacting her, she is going to think of you as a needy person and will keep on pulling away. So, no contact is a much better option.
        Reply Link
        • Paul
          Ok, thank you so much man.
          I’ll be back in 4 weeks to get some tips on how to reconnect and retart fresh. Hopefully you’ll still be here to help.
          Thanks again.
          Link
        • Kevin
          I’ll be here. All the best.
          Link
• Hangman
  Hi Kevin!
  Im here asking because i really want my ex back. It all ended when i admitted cheating and she threw me out.. about 1½ months ago. After that I was devastated, crying, texting like a maniac that i love her etc. Eventually after like 2 weeks i went back to her place to pick my shit up and we ended up talking about what happend for like 4-5 hours (her decision not mine) she texted me after that saying that she felt better but also worse.. She got angery with me on my bday because i didnt ask her to spend it just with her, but she called my (quite drunk) the same night and told me to come to her place. Time moved on and I went back to her place and stayed there for a couple of nights… we had sex and everything felt just as normal it could be regarding to the situation. I left her again and returned 2 days after to sleep over again.. But this time she was texting and chatting like crazy trying to hide shit from me. I know it was atleast 1 guy.
  I went to work the day after and this is when she started acting really cold for days.. I went kinda into a depression and went out almost everyday with my friends drinking, and she saw this on facebook due to pictures, especially one day when i posted a pic the day after she posted a pic with her looking really cold and angry with a cap saying ai nt no wife y and hashtags with yolo, new time new struggle etc. I confronted her about the other guy and she said its nothing. 2 days after the confrontation she posted another pic on facebook in some guys apartment looking all sexy infront of a mirror (fully dressed though, outdoorsy clothes). I panicked and called her asking her wtf? She said dont asume things and we kinda talked about how i ruined everything i need to let her be by herself and let her talk to whomever she wants. I accepted that and told her i wont call about stuff like that again.
  Same afternoon i went to her place again to pick up shit i got there. I acted calm and normal but formal. she was all jumpy and talkative, explaining what shes been up to all week and all about this guy. Then we ended up cuddling for 2 hours.. This wall on her initiation. Well the day after this i talked to a friend about cutting her off from facebook and he kinda agreed but i didnt wanna do it, i showed him the remove friend icon and he stole my phone and removed her. a few seconds after that i got a text saying wtf is ur problem, u removed me? I was drunk and started saying alot of shit like yeah its hard o see u being everywhere and fucking stalked her all night in desperation.
  Well the next morning we had a talk and i explained the situation and she said ok i understand and told me to not call her anymore because she is getting irritated with me. i sent 2 texts the following days and applied NC after that… I failed day 3 of NC and called her asking 1st i need the last of my stuff. After talking to her i became overwhelmed with the emotion of wanting to know the states of affairs so i called a 2nd time asking if she knows what she wants to do, try to work it out or not? She got mad as hell, blaiming me for the break up, I need to man up and get a grip of myself.
  Im 30 years old and been single all of my life i.e im a loser in her eyes and all I want is to get back to her because i got anxiety issues over failing things. I said its not true I love her and want to be with her, the response was that i should have thought about that the night I cheated. She also thinks im a complaining loser because i write facebook updates pushing myself to get better, e strong but also a bit sad ones. Well we ended the call with me saying I wont contact her again, ever and i said if she doesnt contact me its good bye and thanks for the time more or less. She laughed and said like heard that before. The problem now is with the clothes… Wtf am i gonna do? Stay on NC and let them be there?
  Also she is saying that she wants me and she likes me but she cant respect me hence not being able to be with me again. She just doesnt trust my intention of getting back is real.
  Now she is partying alot with guys and exes and stuff.
  We are not facebook friends anymore but we have common friends so we can see each other and our profiles arent locked… Fucking facebook.
  We are now 1½ month into this and last call was yesterday.
  What do I do?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    OK, first order of business is to make her respect you. And no contact is the best way to do that. She thinks you can’t live without calling her. And if you don’t call her for 45 days, she’ll start wondering what’s up with you. I assume you’ve already apologized for your cheating and it was genuinely a drunk mistake, so don’t apologize again. And don’t feel bad for yourself. Follow the plan, it’ll work great for you. But in your case, I’ll recommend No Contact to be around 45 days.
    Reply Link
    • hangman
      the thing is that we were only together for 8 months.. but i see serious potential in this and i know she does too.. is there even a slim chance for us?
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        Yes there is. Do what I said and you’ll increase your chances by tenfold.
        Reply Link
        • Hangman
          I think she is in a rebound now or something.. She is acting all ignorant, avoiding Facebook and removing updates saying she wants to go out and party.
          The Guy i suspect looks like me and everything.
          Its like total ignorance from her part.
          Do I stick with the plan or? Feels like im really losing her now.
          Link
        • Kevin
          Hey,
          I know it’s really hard to not think about it, but try to understand that if you contact her right now, you are only going to look needy and kind of creepy. It’s a risk, but yes stick to the plan.
          Link
• Hangman
  Addition.
  The morning i left for work i didnt her from her until sunday afternoon around 17pm. She said shed been out all night coming home 8 in the morning. Her phone was dead etc. But she was active on facebook because a friend of her was worried (me too) that something had happend and made and update saying “where are u, call me” she answered about 3pm that she is alive… also her friend nr2 wrote REALLY!!!?? to the update.. But she didnt answer when i called. Her friend2 is a friend of the guy texting her. Apparently she met up with them at the same place she met the guy who was texting that night. I dont know if he was with them at that night but it sure sounds plausible.. And this coincides with the start of the cold behaviour.
  Reply Link
• Hangman
  Oh yeah i cheated while pissed off drunk and a bit cocaine.
  Reply Link
• Tan
  Hi Kevin, My bf and I broke up about a month ago after being together for 5 years. Reasons were because we kept quarreling over him hanging out with his friends and forgetting about our dates and that he said we just can’t seem to communicate on the same level anymore. He said his feelings faded awhile ago but he thought he could work things out alone and never once tried talking to me about it to work things out. We have gotten a flat and have intentions of getting married and now this happens. Friends and family told me the fact that we are at the stage of spending our lives together and he can still insist on a breakup means his decision was not impulsive and it was something that he must have thought for long and hard. And I don’t even know is there another girl because he have been confiding our stuff to her instead of me.
  I know I was too controlling in the past and I have taken measures on how I can change to be a better person after the break up. But when we met up with common friends last week (day 14 of NC), his eyes were so cold towards me and he gave me the “fake” smile each time I talked to him (although I tried acting as friends). While I can continue to apply NC, a part of me feels the only reason he would contact me is to dissolve the asset between us. What should I do?
  His time after office hours before we broke up was to hang out with me, with friends and for computer games. Now it’s just with friends and computer games and he told me he’s rather enjoying singlehood because he don’t need to report to anyone on what he’s doing and where he’s going etc. Sighs. Will he even reached the Missing Me Badly phase of the healing period? He even kept all our momentos within a week after the breakup, he knows what went wrong where but he just said let’s just learn not to do that in our next relationship and that we need to move on. What should I do here again?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Tan,
    What your friends and family told you makes sense. I’ll suggest you increase the no contact to 45 days or 60 days, and then follow the plan. Try to get him back just once and if it doesn’t work, move on. I know 5 years is a long time to just leave behind, but it’s better than spending the next 2 years obsessing on getting him back.
    Reply Link
    • Ada
      It pains me to leave behind 5 years of memories. I really thought he was the guy for me when we shared similar goals on how we want to shape our future and lives together. That’s why it came to me as a shock when he told me his feelings were no longer the same for me. I know I have to accept the demise of my old relationship before I can start a new one with him but there is just the house that we bought but not yet ready for collection. It will only be ready in 2 years time which was our intention to get married then as well. But now that the relationship is over, I’m afraid he would contact me during the NC period to dissolve the asset and this is what I don’t want at all because the NC period was part of the plan to get him back and now before I even tried, there’s no chance already. Besides, even if we have to dissolve the asset, I want to be the initiator since that would also tell him that I accept the breakup and hopefully let him miss me. But a part of him is afraid he would agree so he can now truly move on to a new relationship with a clean slate. What should I do?
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        Just tell him that you need space and time and you’d appreciate it if he doesn’t contact you for one month. Better yet, tell him that you’d call him after a month or two.
        Reply Link
• Ricky
  Hey,
  My ex and I have been friends for 4 years, she’s chased after me for the entire time. My ex and I have been split up for nearly a week. We were together for 5 months. In that time I came to love her very much and she felt the same way. We planned to get married but a 5 days ago I messed up and hurt her feelings very bad. She said that she could never forgive me for saying what i said, but what I said I meant differently than she took it. I said I was very sorry and chose my words poorly, she said leave her alone and I couldnt do that, I can never leave her alone after I hurt her, bcuz I never hurt her intentionally, always by accident, by saying the wrong things. I felt like I had to make her understand that I didnt mean it like she took it. But the next day she said we were over and she’s moving on. I did exactly what you said not to do, I txt her and called her alot trying to get her to take me back. She went back to one of her ex 2 days ago. I asked her for the truth about why she ended it and she said that I was too clingy (true i cant help it) and too obsessive. That she didnt have the feelings that she once had for me. She said she felt like I was pushing her into marriage. I did ask her to marry me yes, but she said yes and started to plan it, she also started to ask people to be in it, which led me to believe that she wanted it too. I love her very much and would do anything humanly possible to make her happy. Recently I could feel her slowly slipping away, but sometimes I could feel her come back. She said she was tired of trying to make herself love me again. That she felt it sometimes but mostly no. This is the one person on the planet that I would take a bullet for, a thousand bullets, with no regrets, only to see her safe. I love her with all of my heart, I cant even imagine my life without her, no without her I dont have a life. Can you help me get her back, even tho she’s with an ex and “moving on”? She does still answer my txts.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Ricky,
    You need to apply the no contact rule. And you really have to make some positive changes in yourself before contacting her again. And you can help the fact that you are clingy and obsessive. It’s unattractive and if your attitude towards her is the same after no contact, she’ll again pull away. Work on your issues, go to a therapist, start meditation, start working out, date a couple of girls, get laid. You need to change your perspective on life and your ex before contacting her again.
    Reply Link
• Mira
  Hi Kevin
  my situation is definitely not as serious but different. I had only been seeing this guy for a few weeks. Everything was going great and he wanted to see me all the time… problem was he works 6 days a week. … so on more than one occasion he ended up calling me to cancel because he was too tired or had to work late. . But he’d call regularly to tell me how much he wanted to continue seeing me and really liked the time we had been spending together. After a few weeks he called me out of the blue to say he didn’t have time for a relationship and didn’t think we should continue. I think we can have something great and would like to give it another chance because I feel like it was over beforeit really began… when we had the break up conversation he was still telling me he liked me… but didn’t have the time to put me first…I feel we could make it work
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Mira,
    Apply no contact for a while. Then contact him using one of the methods above. You can get back together but only if he’s willing to put in the effort. And the only reason he’ll put in the effort if he thinks you are worth the effort. And if you give him to miss you and make positive changes in your life (according to the plan), he’ll definitely think you are worth the effort.
    Reply Link
    • Mira
      Im pretty sure now that the main reason he ended it was because his ex contacted him and brought up old feelings. Im not sure if they’re still in contact or back together or what…. will following the plan still be beneficial and do I still have a chance to get him back?
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        Hey Mira,
        Yes, the plan will still be beneficial and you have a chance to get him back. However, a person who can be influenced by an ex so much can never really be a loyal long term boyfriend. If his ex can control him so much, you can never have a good relationship with him. Think about it hard before getting back with him.
        Reply Link
• Anonymous
  Me and my girlfriend started a ‘break’ early jan after being happy together for 4 months. I’d never taken a break before and was stupidly still contacting her, to which i was getting responses that i could tell i was annoying her. She apologised for being blunt with her responses after a brief argument. I’ve slowly since then thinned out the contact and only 4 days or so in to no contact now. I noticed she’s started removing any evidence of our relationship from facebook now too. Advice please…
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Ask her if it’s a break or a breakup. Make it clear what she is expecting of you. If it’s just a break, ask her how long is it and both of you should start contact. IF it’s a breakup, follow the plan.
    Reply Link
• A
  Hi Kevin,
  Me and my girl friend broke up a week ago and we was very close and went down hill very quick, she said she has lost feelings for me and it is completely over because I was clingy and soppy and younger than her, she sent me a massive text saying everything I did wrong and I text back accepting her decision and what I did wrong and we haven’t spoke since, she is going away to New York for a week and I’m not planning on contacting her till she comes back because then I have a reason to talk but asking her how it went and how a lot in my life has changed, would all the steps still help with this? Thanks
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Yes, the steps will help. All the best!
    Reply Link
• burak
  Please answer my comment until sunday please my girlfriend break up with me on monday then i respected her and talked with her last time and said lets give eachother some time and talk face to face on next monday and if we dont feel same feelings like in the past we go our own ways..i was like a gentle no begging no crying and this attitude shocked her and she said me i was expecting angry attitude from you..but i paid a little more attentin before break up this was my mistake..reason is so open i m a very good guy on her eyes and talked with her in last one month about my money and life problems i was not the guy who decides about his life confidently and showed her a unconfident unpowerful man and lost shine in her eyes..we were together in over 5 years and we were very happy i was also in erasmus we could not contact very good and we could not meet for 5 months..we will meet first time after 5 montsh and i will be very confident powerful good enjoyable i will look like a man who can be happy without her..at this situoatin please show me a road..i will accept if she still wants to break up with on this meeting but she will be shocked when she saw me like that confident and powerful..
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey,
    Go ahead and meet her and hopefully she’ll see the confidence and want to give it another try. Just stay calm when you meet her and don’t try to push her.
    Reply Link
    • burak
      Thanks Kevin
      I read your message and motivated i will be at my best..i will not talk about problems i will talk about this week witouth her talk about passions, play some funny games observe her reaction..what is the best signal that she start to change me in her mind at this meeting..i think i m at better position then the other situations, right ?
      Reply Link
• mandy buckley
  hi kevin
  i need your advise . I started going out with someone just after xmas , after id split with my husband ( no way back there, don’t fancy him or in love ) . the guy I met has split with his wife 9 months ago and has 3 children ( no way back there either ) . the new guy suffers from depression due to his previous relationship. she wasn’t very nice to him , putting him down etc, and arguing in front of the children , so they split . so he met me , ive met his kids, his family , everything in the last 5 weeks. and we get on perfectly when we are in each others company . there is a spark for us both in every way and there are no problems with regards us . however with him having to travel long distances to work, not being near his kids, and trying to hold down a new job and sort a new home near his children has taken its toll on him and hes hit a brick wall again and feels like a failure, thus hes now finished it with me , because he feels he cannot give me the attention a partner should, and feels hes spreading hi self too thinly. but he wants to remain friends and wants contact . hes scared deep down that he has made a massive mistake in finishing it , but he said he needs to sort his life out first before entering into another relationship . he was crying in front of me, holding my hand and everything . I feel hes making a huge mistake , but I cannot do anything about it . I feel that we shouldn’t let go of this great thing and in my heart I cannot let go either . what should I do ? ive been messaging with him , but not seeing him . its only been 4 days since we split . am beside myself as its taken me a long time to find mr perfect and don’t want to let it go without a fight
  please advise
  mandy
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Mandy,
    Just give him space and some time. He’ll eventually sort out his life and want to get back together. Even though no contact is not necessary in your case, I’ll recommend it. It’ll give him time to miss you and will help him make his decision. Although, don’t cut him off abruptly. Let him know that you think it’s better that both of you don’t contact each other for a while.
    Reply Link
• Leigh
  Hi Kevin
  Me and my ex dated for almost 2years, we had real chemistry we were goodfriend befor getting into the relationship it was quite serious as he was the one to tell me he loves me first and started speaking about marriage things was going well for a long time and we were truely in love and I still love him so much but about 3months ago things has become so different he had stresses with work, finance, family etc and so did I amd we both became so frustrated that we started arguing about everything and anything, we always patched up and moved on but then after regular arguments he started changing he started becoming distant, unaffectionate and irriatted by me as I started becoming possesive, nagging and extremely emotional all the time. 2weeks ago we bikkered again and then we sat down and spoke and decided to start fresh thing was going great up until a week ago we were both tired and stressed and we just got home late from a family function we then slept together but whil we were being intamite he got a call on his ph from a female I didn’t know when I saw he grabbed the ph and switch the call off I immediately stopped and asked who it was he said it was a work collegue and then I just went quite he got angry and said I don’t trust him and that he was attracted to me and fell inlove with me coz I was confident, witty, fun and just amazing but now I have become possesive and jealous and irritating and I don’t trust him and that his past relationships his exs was the same and now I’m becoming like that we had a hectic argument both said hurtful things and then he said he is unhappy I then responded that if that’s how he felt we should just break up he then agreed and just left I cried and was completely heart broken coz the only reason I said that coz I was hoping he would not leave… We met the next day to talk and he said thing has become so bad that he don’t think it can be the way it was I cried, begged and pleaded for another chance and he replied so cold saying I had a second chance and messed it up and now this is th result he said that I won’t ever change and that this is for the best he feels that I am a nice person but its for the best and he has instantly lost everything he felt for me I asked him to think about it and he said he will we didn’t contact each other for a week then last night he text me to say that he thinks that its best if we rather end things and that I should take this time to fix myself and that his willing to be my friend but doesn’t see us being in a relationship again… I begged again and even offered to be a friend with benefits and he rejected and told me to rather accept it as I’m making it more difficult for myself as he has had enough of my nagging and emotional rollercoaster that I’m driving him away…and that he feels I’m too insecure, needy and a emotional mess and that I’m not the confident independant women he fell inlove with.. I started the NC from today I am broken as he is my best friend and my lover and I miss him so much I feel confused and broken and don’t know what I must do I’m scared that there is somebody else but I don’t wana do NC and then he mite think I’m not interested anymore and move on I love him and his my soulmate do u think there is hope for us I really want him back he made me happy treated me like a queen and we had so much in common just like a fairytale match our families get along and even our kids…I don’t know what to do I just want him back but he says no matter what I do he isn’t changing his mind he is so angry as he feels I am just like the rest and I don’t trust him but I know he loves and cares about me a lot oi love and care about him too pls tell me what I should do please..I desperately need help.. Thanks L
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey,
    You absolutely must apply no contact. I know it’s scary but it’s the only way he’ll stop thinking of you as an insecure person. And during no contact, you need to work on your insecurity and your self-esteem. Follow the plan, hopefully he’ll see the changes in you after no contact and want to get back together.
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• Michelle
  Hi Kevin,
  My ex leaves the country next weekend for 6 months to start a job on a boat. He said he didn’t want a girlfriend whilst he was away. We’ve been separated 6 months and were getting on really well before he got this job… But I made silly mistakes along of the way of getting annoyed because we were getting on but not back together. How would you suggest I handle the 6 months? When should I make contact? Were currently on ok terms with each other, just want some guidance on what to do.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    If you’ve already done no contact, then stay in contact with him. If you haven’t then give it 2 months of no contact and then keep in touch with him for 4 months, and try to meet him when he comes back.
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• Maya
  Hi, I broke down with my boyfriend about 2 years ago, removed him from my contacts on the mobile, and on the Facebook. I was following your plan since a while but as you see after a long long no contact period. Now I think I’m in step 4 , but with some mistakes and very slowly, I called him and he called me back and we are talking as friends on mobile only.I asked him to send me a friend request on Facebook in a funny way but he replied that I will ignore or reject him. I know I shouldn’t ask him directly but that’s what happened any way. Asking him Out is not accepted where I live. We are not working in the same place any more. I don’t know what to do next. Should I call him again? what should be the period between the calls?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    It sort of depends on how he receives your call. If he is warm and happy whenever you call him, then increase the frequency of the calls. If he is cold, then decrease it.
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• John
  Hey Kevin,
  My ex broke up with me about 2 and a half weeks ago, the first week she’d text me and get angry at all the rumors other guys who liked her made up to make her try to hate me. When we bump into each other she still tries to flirt with me, other times she avoids me. Yesterday she took down our last picture together from social media, the others we both deleted the first day. I’ve lost 9 pounds, have gotten new clothes, talk to other girls around her, and seem very happy around her. Before we broke up I wanted to see a certain movie with her that we discussed, should I ask her to go with me as a friend to see it on Valentine’s day or is that too early?
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  • Kevin
    Are you already on talking terms with her and are close to getting back together? If not, asking her out is a risky move. I think it’s a little too early.
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    • John
      Yes and no on talking terms really, one day she’ll pop by to see me and flirt with me, other days ill look her way and she buries her head into her phone. She’s tweeted, retweet, and favorited a lot of stuff about missing the relationship and stuff, so I don’t know if that’s a sign or not.
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      • Kevin
        Then, I’d recommend you don’t contact her on V Day. If she contacts you, answer politely but don’t try to take it further.
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• Whitney
  Hey Kevin,
  My ex broke up with me about two months ago saying that “she needs space,” “she’s trying to find herself,” and “she isn’t sure if she even wants to be in a committed relationship.” We were together for a year and a few months. She’s told me that she feels like I’m the one and she’s never had feelings as strongly for anyone as she has for me. Also, when she broke up with me, she said that she was still in love with me, but she desires to experience the single life again, going out, talking to other girls, etc. She’s also said that when “she’s ready” we’ll be together again. She wanted us to be friends because she still wanted me in her life. I was a good girlfriend, never cheated or lied… nothing. We’ve had our ups and downs, but nothing serious. Well, at first initial break up, I begged, cried, did all the “normal, crazy” reactions until the point where she would ignore me, but we always seemed to start communicating and hanging out again, until an argument breaks out about our relationship and me trying to get her back. So I didn’t want to become her safety net and for her to think I was going to wait on her, so I started the no contact rule 9 days ago and on the 8th day, she texted me… to see if, “I’m doing alright.” I did not respond. What do you think of this situation? Did I do the right thing? Do you think I have a chance to get her back? I am still in love with her too. Any additionally advice you could give me?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Yes, you did the right thing. Yes, you have a chance to get her back. However, make sure you don’t force her to come back even after no contact. It’s very important that getting back together is her idea. If it isn’t she’ll always have the same doubts in her mind as she had before and your relationship will suffer in the future.
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• R
  Hi, so me and my boyfriend of almost a year broke up about three weeks ago. Originally I had broken up with him out of anger at my mom then I tried talking to him and he decided he was done with me. I did almost all of the things I wasn’t supposed to, I texted, I called, I was incredibly needy and desperate, all around it doesn’t look good. For a few weeks he responded to me and just kept telling me he was done and we weren’t good together but he still wanted to have sex with me. I drew the line at the sex because I knew I couldn’t handle that emotionally. I did the whole thing where I poured my heart out and begged repeatedly for a second chance then I gave him like four days and after he still didn’t respond I got desperate and went back to the needy texting. Is it too late for me to try this system and get him back? Our reasons for breaking up were all on me because I would pick fights and didn’t trust him since I have severe issues with trusting people, but I am going to a counselor now for my own personal issues and working on myself, I just want to know if now that he is ignoring me is it too late for us?
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  • Kevin
    I don’t think it’s too late. Stay no contact for 30-45 days and work on yourself. It’s great you are going to a counselor, it’s going to help tremendously.
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    • R
      So I started the no contact thing and like two days in he messaged me on Facebook and out of burning curiosity on why he could possibly be talking to me again I responded. We had a very brief conversation about some things that have been going on in my life. It seemed after he was done asking his questions he stopped responding to me. I made sure not to bring up the subject of our relationship or resort back to the begging, but I don’t understand why he would do this? Like seem concerned then just go back to ignoring me? Did I just take two steps backwards and ruin everything by talking to him?
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      • Kevin
        He contacted you because he wanted to see if you’re still available for him whenever he wanted. And you showed him that you are. So, he lost interest quickly. Next time he contacts, don’t reply.
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• Gaby
  Hi Kevin,
  My bf and I have dated for 3 years and he just broke up with me recently. He says he doesnt see me in the future and is not sure if our personalities work. He says he still loves me but he thinks I love him more than he loves me. However, during our break up, he could never break up with me in person and he would also say he was confused and conflicted and not 100% sure and he wanted to take baby steps. But over the phone or when he doesnt see me he wants to break up. His friends are also influencing his decision and in my opinion are not a good role model. They are encouraging him to be single because they all are and are basically telling him to go out and talk to other girls. During the last few weeks I have tried everything, from crying and writing him a letter to trying to strategically plan everything out and saying how things will get better. Any advice on what I should do? I have decided to try the no contact rule. It’s just hard because I have lost my best friend.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Go ahead with no contact. It’s hard but definitely worth it.
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• Ditches
  Ok so me and my ex been broken up for almost two years but prior that we were dating for two years .. after we broke up I hooked up with someone else,, first of all the reason y we broke up was cause he said I was to needy n I didn’t let him breathe. So I tried to get over him by getting under some one and it happened a few times with people he n I affiliated with but he was more like assoicates. Now in between this two year we had got in contact a few times and he joined the army but I never saw him until a full year of not dating we went out ice skating n went for pizza and the very next day we saw each other and got intamate. At the time I lived in ny so he was out there and made plans to visit me . He spent a week in ny and a week in fl and in fl he started dating this girl n him and her were intamate . Now since he left to the army he contacts her cause of course it’s his gf n me as well as if we date ….now he knows how I feel about him& I told him basically me or her n he chose her…. He says he seems that he can’t forget how bad I hurt him after our break up since I moved on so fast. He says I don’t love him because people don’t do that to people they love and his gf now has not done any wrong to him.. But he talks to me all the time n ask for pictures n FAce times me . He says it’s all in gods hand but I can’t help but feel like he’s never ever going to choose me idk what to do help me
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey,
    If he chose her, you should’ve cut contact with him completely. Whenever you give someone an ultimatum, you should mean it. If they chose the other person, you should disappear from their life completely. If you’re not ready to do that, then don’t give an ultimatum. Right now, I’ll recommend you apply no contact until he returns. When he returns, meet him and let him see all the positive changes you’ve made in your life. Hopefully, that’ll make him rethink his decision.
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• Missy
  Hey my boyfriend and I had our 1 month yesterday and he broke up with me today. My mom texted him this morning when he took me to work. She basically said she didn’t want us seeing each other because I have been going downhill since I’ve been with him. We had a party at his house last night and I got drunk but he didnt, although he did drink. He drove us home and he got my car stuck in a snowdrift. When my parents woke up this morning and saw the car they were furious. I told them what happened and then my mom texted my boyfriend. After he got that text he got out of my car at work and said its over I’m done. I Tried talking to him but he said just get away from me it’s over. So I started crying and said please just give me a hug. Nope, he wouldn’t. Then his friend came and picked him up at my work. When his friend picked him up i said to his friend please just talk to him. Then my boyfriend started laughing and said its over we’re done. Now it’s been 8 hours and I’ve texted him once saying my mom is sorry for what she said in the heat of the moment. Also I told him he could come over and talk if he wanted to. No answer, no nothing. I don’t know what to do! I have wanted him for 3 years and i finally had it and now it’s all over); can you please give me some advice and tell me if you think I can get him back. Also why do you think he was laughing when he said its over? Thank you so much!
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  • Kevin
    I can’t think of any reason why he would laugh, unless he’s a really mean person. In which case, you really shouldn’t be with him. But I have a feeling you are not going to listen to that advice, so apply No contact for a while. That’s your best shot.
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• Tea
  Hi Kevin,
  Wondering if you could help me. I never technically date this guy but we had been seeing each for the past 6 months until he told me that he doesn’t want a girlfriend. We ended it but then two weeks later we started up again– dinners,concerts, sex. Then he ended it again. I don’t know if this 30 day rule could work for this.
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  • Kevin
    It might work. He’ll still get time to miss you, you get time to make some changes in your life. I don’t really see any better alternative. Although, If you want a relationship, I’d suggest you make it clear this time and don’t sleep with him unless he commits.
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• Mel
  Kevin,
  I also apologized. And anytime I asked if we are broken up, he avoids the questions. Yet, he ignores me. So i dont know what to expect. Why is he avoiding the question?
  Mel
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  • Kevin
    Hey,
    He might be confused what he wants. Give him some time, and this time be firm when you ask him. Let him know that if he wants to break up, you have the right to know. And if he just wants some time and space, you are ready to give it to him. Alternatively, tell him that you think you should not talk to each other for a month and then get in touch to see what both of you want.
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• Ria
  Hey Kevin,
  My boyfriend recently broke up with me and I have no idea why. We talked about it and he said I’m the kind of girl he can marry but he’s scared that when I go to med school I will leave him. We got back together and everything was fine and then three days later he messaged saying he can’t do this anymore and he doesn’t want to talk about it. I have 2 of his shirts and one really means a lot to him,it was given to him by his deceased cousin. How do you think I should contact him after the no contact period?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    You can use the letter or a text message. It’s your choice. Don’t mention the shirt unless he asks for it.
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• Lynn
  Hello Kevin,
  I broke up with my ex about 2 months ago and immediately went out with another guy the next day, thinking that this new guy could treat me better. Then I realised that I really loved my ex and that I wanted to be with him.
  But by the time I went back to him, he was heartbrokened and he lost his trust in me. During the 2 months that we weren’t together, I was being that clingy and needy ex gf and I guess he found it really annoying. He also did show me some mixed signals. Saying that he still likes me and misses me. Then goes on to say why he doesn’t want to get back together with me or that he isn’t ready yet, sometimes he would even criticise me. I can tell that he is very angry and confused. I have started the no contact rule and it has been about a week or so. He hasn’t contacted me (or at least not yet). He said that he wants me to concentrate on my studies, and that he doesn’t know if he wants to get back tgt with me or not. I’m afraid that he’ll move on or that he’ll realise that not being with me can be very enjoyable etc. What should I do?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Lynn,
    If he realizes that not being with you can be enjoyable, you can make him realize later that being with you is more enjoyable. In fact, it should be like that. If it’s not, then you shouldn’t get back together. Finish the no contact rule and make some positive changes in your life during this time.
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• asal
  Hi kevin
  Me and my ex dated for almost 3years, 3 months ago we talked about marriage an our future but he said im no ready for commitment but i think about it from now. and we were together for knowing each other more for decision of our marriage and we talked about that during this time but after 3 months he said again im not ready and you pressure on me for my decision and again we argue about that because it was very important for me after 3 years and suddenly he said i dont want a girlfriend or a wife and he didnt answer call from me after that i call him 2times but he didnt answer and i didnt call him any more and now its 25 days that im in no contact but he hadnt call me yet befor that in our speaking about marriage he said that im not happy with this decission but because i love you very much i do it for you but im not satisfied with marriaage. do you think that he wants to think about his dicission about future during this time or not? do you think that he come back? he divorced from his wife 3.5 years ago too.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey,
    You need to give him time and let it be his decision. Continue contact for at least 60 days and then contact him. It could be that he has some bad association with marriage because of his divorce and he’s scared. Hopefully, with time, he’ll get over it.
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• burak
  Hi kevin
  me and my ex got first meeting lots of things were she told you are very gentle and strong i m very little of you she saw that i m more powerful than her understand this very good way that made her shocked she told a few times you make me shocked when she offered sometihng about friednship, i smile and say ok glad to be but she is confused much..but what to do in valentines day is there any special move a message or smothing else..
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Read this article.
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• M
  Hi Kevin,
  My ex broke up with me about a month ago. We had a huge fight and then he just stopped answering my texts and calls. We had been together for about 7 months at that point and living together for close to half that time.
  The fight was about careers. Not to go into too much detail, but my ex is very much a realist, focused on “living a certain lifestyle” and “having a certain life” for his future and future family. I get that. Everyone wants to have a certain amount of savings for their children’s future college fund, retirement, travel, a nice house, no debt, et cetera – I get it, and I admire the “provider instinct”, I really do. But some people are not so lucky. And if you have been in school as long as I have (multiple graduate degrees including a doctorate), there’s no way to escape the debt. My career track has been “circuitous” (that’s the kindest way to put it), due to my dreams of traveling the world as a member of organizations like the Peace Corp, USAID, and things like that, and I’ve run into considerable obstacles (and distractions…NGOs respond to crisis and conflict and I’ve had the privilege of being a part of many such responses, at the expense of, well, a few landmark licenses and certifications that could very possibly be my means of “bringing in the bacon”) so, to my realist ex with his banker job on Wall Street and six-figure salary with an apartment near Park Ave., I look a bit like a hippie child with rose-colored glasses and no sense of pragmatism. We fought all the time. He tried to get me to change careers. I agreed and started the application process. It still wasn’t enough. More fighting. He wanted me to apply for more jobs with bigger salaries, stay where he was, agree never to move – done, done, and done – still more fighting, still not good enough. He did not trust me because I had tried to do these things before in the relationship and fallen short (mainly because in my heart, I did not want to do them and was doing it only to appease him and allay his fears). He had no faith in me. More fights. More defending myself. More banging my head against a wall trying to make him see what I was doing – essentially changing my entire life and giving up my hard-earned dreams for him to feel a sense of peace – and finally we had one more argument and it was done.
  I would like to say that amidst all this, he continuously said that I was everything he ever wanted or looked for in a girl – except for this one career flaw (words like “soul-mate” and “the one” were dropped). I helped him relax. I took away all the bad memories. I made him smile all the time and brought that special something that just forced him to slow down. The only thing was – I didn’t make enough money and he was not sure I could feasibly ever get to a point career-wise where I would be able to contribute enough to the life he wanted for his future. We were great together. Lots of laughs, lots of love – and the good times were amazing.
  The sad thing is, things were moving in the direction he wanted. If he had just stopped to breathe and waited another 4-6 months, he would have had it all – the life, the career, the joint income, the status, and most importantly…the girl. And if he had just relaxed and trusted me, we would have been able to attain all that without either of us having to sacrifice any of our dreams or desires.
  So, a week after he stopped answering my texts or calls (yes, I broke the first two rules right off the bat), I moved out of state. It had nothing to do with the break up, I had a career opportunity in another state, and there were other reasons for leaving aside from him, so I just went with it. We hadn’t talked for a week and a half at that point and so I texted him from the airport, said goodbye, and essentially all the things you said to write in the letter your recommend sending after 30 days NC (no mention of getting back together, acknowledgement of mistakes and hurt on both sides, wish them well, etc.) – the response was equally sweet, with the question of whether we’d ever cross paths again. The discussion ended with us acknowledging that we still loved each other and me saying that despite that, there was a lot of healing and change needed on both sides. And when he missed me too much, he should contact me. Until then, I wished him only the best. I got no reply.
  A week later – Facebook message stating that he hoped I was doing okay. I didn’t reply. I was promptly blocked (and I believe deleted). A week later, he wished me luck on an interview I had told him about before the break-up. We talked briefly the day after, random nonsense about some shows and movies we both liked. I then made the mistake of asking him why he kept contacting me. He said it was a “moment of weakness” that he was “secure” in his decision to end things and that he was still angry. So I stopped replying. There was no point. 24 hours later, more texts, more references to memories. I never replied. Another 24 hours – another text referencing a shared memory and inside joke. I finally reply. Nothing. A week later, again, a random text saying he hopes I’m doing okay. I said I hoped the same for him. Two days later, a text with a sad face and a phone call to just ask about my interview, see how things were going, and say he “missed cuddling with me”. Then, once more, silence.
  So, my question is, does he want me back? He’s already dating, so I’m rather confused. This “on-again-off-again” stuff is really annoying. I deserve a lot more than to be placed on some shelf waiting, twiddling my thumbs as some idiot makes up his mind about me. How do I just get him to man up and have the necessary conversation so that this madness stops for both of us? If you love someone, you love them through the journey all the way through to the destination, not just the parts that appeal to you. He’s not a bad person. We were really great together and I still see the potential for him to be a good man and we’d be a winning team. How the heck do I get him there? Has the process even started? Is it even possible?
  Thanks for this great site and for the advice. I really appreciate it (as I’m sure many people do).
  ~ M
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  • Kevin
    Hey M,
    It think it’s quite obvious that he is confused about his decision and his moments of weakness are a sign that he is struggling with his feelings. He is trying to convince himself that breaking up was the right thing to do, but in his heart, he misses you and sometimes feel that you should get back together. The thing that’s keeping him from discussing his feelings openly is mainly ego. He wants to be consistent with his decision of breaking.
    I think you shouldn’t reply to him even when he contacts you. Stay like that for a couple of months and let him deal with his feelings. Hopefully, after a couple of months, he’ll be a lot more clear about what he wants and you can have a rational discussion with him.
    Reply Link
• Paul
  Hey,
  I followed all the steps and betterd myself, got my act together. So I finished all this and she is still on the rebound relationship. Its been like a month and a few days of no contact, and she still hasn’t noticed me, what should I do?, keep on no contact?
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  • Kevin
    Contact her using the letter. You can also send her an email.
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    • Paul
      Not sure if sending the letter is a good idea, we study in the same small university, so its like I see her everyday, I just want her to notice me (by the way, her new boyfirend studies here too) without being too obvious, I want to show her, instead of telling her that im the better guy, or that she can be happier with me. Im really not sure about contacting her, while being with the other guy.
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      • Kevin
        Well, if you ask me, then she is probably keeping tabs on you and she knows you are bettering yourself. There’s nothing much you can do accept post pictures on facebook and other social media. She might be hesitating to contact you because she has a boyfriend. How about sending her an email, accepting the breakup? It’s very effective IMO. It’ll open up communication between you two.
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• Michael
  Hi Kevin,
  I recently broke up with my girlfriend and have been missing her a lot. I made a huge mistake in meeting up with her two days ago and going shopping which lead to me sleeping with her at my place later on. While she was here, she hurt me a lot by saying all these nice things about her new boyfriend. I made all of the mistakes above (calling, texting, begging, offered to change my entire self for her and give up everything she wants me to, etc). Every other day or so she texts and calls, I respond, then the next day she does not contact. Is it possible that she is getting revenge on how bad I hurt her when I broke up with her? I can admit some mistakes I made in the relationship and I did treat her badly at times. She texted and called me tonight but I did not pick up. I can do the no contact but I am just so afraid she will eventually give up and make an ultimate decision for the new guy. Her and I have 8+ months of history together and I want her back. I just wanted to say that I feel threatened about the new guy since she said all these great things about him.
  Thank you,
  Michael
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey,
    No contact is still your best chance. You have a history of 8 months, one month of no contact will not make her forget you.
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• M
  Addendum:
  When he called and said he missed cuddling with me, I said that what he said was very sweet and missed that too. Then nothing. Crickets.
  I’ve been moving forward with my life, but as I pour more energy into myself and my career, the trajectory takes me further away from him geographically and that worries me. He has been on ever online dating website available since the week of the break-up, so I do not in any way owe him this consideration. But love can make us kind fools even when we know we shouldn’t be.
  Worst case scenario, I get a conversation and closure, like two adults. Best case scenario, we work through this as the team we imagined ourselves to be. I just want to know what is going on, what all this back and forth nonsense means, and where this is going. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you so much!
  ~ M
  Reply Link
• Darla
  Hi Kevin,
  I was seeing this guy for about 5 months and everything seemed fine, or so I thought. When one day out of the blue he ended things between us saying he met someone else, I was completely shattered. He told me it wasn’t about this girl or me but there were some issues he had, mainly our age difference(im 23, he’s 35). In a nutshell he wants to settle down and start a family and assumed that I am not interested in that type of relationship yet. The girl he apparently “just met” is 30 and moved in within a couple weeks, maybe even sooner, after he ended things with me. I havent contacted him or anything since the day he ended it, except one day about a month or two after I actually accidentally ran into them together at an obscure store. I only saw the back of him and didnt think he saw me so I tried to avoid being seen while I waited for my purchase. He must have seen me before I saw him because he found a way to intentionally walk into my view without her and catch my eye. We talked briefly and he seemed awkward around me and ended up giving me a ‘bro tap’ on the shoulder before I left. Since he ended things I focused a lot on myself, started working out more, tried getting out more and open to meeting new people and I really felt I was in a good place regarding him and moving on but out of the blue he texted me on Christmas morning which completely caught me off guard as I never expected to hear from him, or that our short conversation would have him saying he “thinks about me often” and he even brought into the conversation a small suggestive inside joke we used to text about a lot. I know he is still with this girl though and they still live together which is probably why it took me by surprise. But it made me look back and think a lot and I know he didnt give us the chance we deserve and I know we can be so great together. Aside from Christmas day I didnt talk to him until New Years I wished him a happy New Year because I was still frazzled from his text on Christmas but that was it. Havent talked to or seen him since. It has now been about 6 months since things between us ended and I know him and I together deserve a chance but I don’t know what to do now. His birthday is coming up in a month and I was thinking of texting him then, maybe open up a channel of communication, but I know there is absolutely no way I could be just his friend.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Darla,
    Yes, open up communications with him. Start texting more often and try having more fun with texts. Inside jokes are great for this. If it’s going well, ask him to meet you. But don’t become the other women and make sure you don’t sleep with him until he commits.
    Reply Link
• Pete
  Kevin,
  I’ve made what seems like every mistake in the book. Drunk calls, hopeless messages you name it. My girlfriend left me about a month ago after almost a year together and has maintained constant contact with me. She is adamant about staying as friends. She has shown no intention of getting back but when I posted a picture of me with another girl she freaked out with jealousy and told me she was thinking about getting back, but now there is no way. I still want her back, but it seems like she has changed a lot and I don’t see her feeling the way she did…which abruptly seemed to stop.
  And to make things more difficult valentines day is this week and idk if I should do something special because she knows that I still care…but I want to send a message by not doing anything. (She ignored our anniversary because we were broken up)
  Please help!
  Pete
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Don’t do anything on Valentine’s day unless you are absolutely sure she wants to get back together.
    Reply Link
    • Pete
      That’s what I was thinking (after reading your valentines day article). I’m picturing a lonely valentines day for her, and in a sadistic fashion that’s all I want to give her. As much as I want to keep confessing my love to her she seems to grow colder and colder as I do that.
      Your advice that still doesn’t exactly help me. Let me give a little more context. So she broke it off over our winter break from college she broke it off with me a couple of days before New Years. And all she did was point out all of the negative things about me and amplify them. She told me that she always wants me in her life because I’m special to her and I will always have “a special place in her heart.” But other than that she has grown very cold towards me.
      Now let me back track. She is one year younger than me and we have had a special bond since the moment we laid eyes on each other, four years ago. We had a thing throughout highschool and I was always there for her even when I left to go to college.
      She made me a “box” of meaningful items and postcards that she gave to me right before I went to school. And it was crazy to me at that point, this crazy girl in crazy love with me and it meant little to me in the moment. I went away to school and hooked up with other girls but as cool as it was, I eventually realized that it was only her I wanted.
      So we started dating midway through my freshman year of college, over my winter break last year.
      Now a lot has happened and I know you cannot understand or see all of what has happened but she still contacts me with enthusiasm and excitement. But I have already spilled my heart out only to get nothing back.
      She even went to the same college as me! But now she just flaunts how much she enjoys being single even though I know she doesn’t want any other guy and is not seeking another relationship at the moment.
      I have seen her multiple time since we’ve been back at school and we click like we always used to.
      But she seems sad and withdrawn when I don’t talk to her and even posts stuff about wishing she went to another school, which I ignore.
      I don’t even know Kevin, I mean I’m not going to contact her on valentines day but what then?
      Does she have other problems or sadness in her life that she associates with me?
      Can I even get her back at this point?
      Should I even try to be patient anymore , maybe with no contact or should I just move on?
      Pete
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        Hey Pete,
        It could be The GIGS (grass is greener syndrome). She might be thinking of jumping in the dating game again, while keeping you as a backup. Perhaps, that’s why she freaked out when she saw your picture with another girl. Or it could be that she just wanted a break from the relationship and wanted to be single for a while. She is young and she is not sure what she wants in life. There could be a million reasons for her irrational behavior.
        Like I mentioned in the beginning of the article, there’s no guarantee that you’ll get her back. You can just increase your chances. And pouring your heart out to her will only decrease your chances. If you stay in touch with her and let her feel like that she still has you in her life, she will never really face the reality that she might lose you forever.
        I’ll still recommend you to just follow the plan. In fact, give no contact 60 days. Hopefully, by the end of no contact, she’ll be more clear about what she wants in life and you’ll be in a better position to decide whether or not you should move on.
        Reply Link
• Rozelle
  Hi Kevin. Just want to say that I have not been so fortunate in getting my ex boyfriend back. I tried the no contact thing and ended up not calling him on his birthday last November. I’ve made contact with him about 2 weeks ago and I basically told him that I want to give us another try. He said that he also missed me. Then, he told me that he was very hurt for me not calling him on his birthday and then got into his car and drove over 7ookm to marry a woman who he was (or always have been) in a relationship with. I am still devastated about his marriage.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Rozelle,
    This guy got married to someone else just because you didn’t wish him on his birthday. He broke up with you and you had every right to not contact, since you wanted your space. I think he is really immature and you are better off without him.
    Reply Link
• Nik
  Hey Kevin, my ex just broke up with me today, i have been dating her for around 14 months and it was a really great time, we even surpassed a 3 months distance relationship, after which i moved to korea for her. which i not regret doing even if i might not get back with her, so luckily i have not done any of the mistakes you mentioned, besides maybe while talking that she wants to break up, if she is sure that i can not do anything to change her feelings. she said of course no, and i left at that no begging etc. so the reason she gave me to break up is that she just lost her feelings for me, which i cant believe so much is true because two days ago she still told me how much she loves me and stuff. so i have no plans to contact her, before reading your website i already decided that, because i did that mistake once before, with a different girl. the girl i did the mistake was an hastly i just want my ex back case, so i decided to take some time to see if i really want her back, but i kinda thought rationally about it already know which mistakes i made and which cons she has. so after the no contact period i am planning to contact her again. hearing these fact how high do you think my chances are?
  ps. she is really busy she is in her last semester of university and is having a couple of job interviews these days too, my guess would be that she just has a lot of stress and might has done an overly hastly reaction. i would like your thoughts on this tho
  hope to hear from you soon. Nik
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    You have a good chance. All the best!
    Reply Link
• Connor
  Hey Kevin,
  This is an excellent website! Well done
  I wanted to ask you for some advice. My ex and I have been together for two years. We were good friends for a long time before. Over our relationship we broke up once before but that was because she was jealous of another girl I am friends with. It has been about a month since the break up. First of all she wanted to be best friends, telling me noone can replace me as her bestie. Then it got awkward. Our conversations got less and less interesting. No matter how much I tried to spice them up. I made a few of the mistakes listed above. Unfortunately we got into a fight because I got really jealous and called her a liar. So she wouldn’t speak to me for a month until my birthday where her sister told her to be nice to me. Now we have started speaking again and it was great to start with. But now it is starting to degrade to what it was before the fight. We never broke up because of arguements and had literally only one while together. I’m not over her yet, and she says she understands that. But we text alot and facebook alot. What I want to know is; do you think there is a good chance of us getting back together if I start the steps again?
  P.S. I tried making her jealous but she said it had the opposite effect I wanted it to.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Yeah, you have a good chance. Like I said in the article, there’s no guarantee, but you’ll definitely increase your chances.
    Reply Link
    • Connor
      Thank you very much. Is there any signs the ex usually makes to show they area into you once you start speaking again?
      Reply Link
      • Kevin
        I’ve written two articles on that. This one and this one.
        Reply Link
        • Connor
          They really help thank you. When I told her I wanted no contact for a while she told me that’s what I said last time and maybe I will be better when she goes out with someone else. Thoughts?
          Link
        • Kevin
          She probably said it to get a reaction out of you. Don’t give it to her. And she might actually start going out with someone else. If she does, there’s nothing you can do to stop her. So be prepared for that. Hopefully, it’ll be a rebound and it’ll end soon.
          Link
• nina
  Hi Kevin.
  My boyfriend broke up with me 12 days ago.We were 1 year together. We kept fighting ALL the time over stupid,silly, everyday things. So many misunderstandings. It was like we couldn’t bear each other anymore, i felt like i was trying so hard lately on our fights but he seemed indifferent, and I’m sure he has his own point of view and blame me for all our fights. He was also very stressed with his studies lately. Till one day after a fight he decided to break up with me. I called him only few times the next day. He ignored me.I wrote a letter thanking him, telling him that i love him,showing him my point of view for our fights that we were not compatible i was energetic but he wasn’t, and stuff. And that’s all. All he said to a friend was that this letter meant nothing, and that he is fine and he has a plan for his life(very cruel). I haven’t contacted him since then, neither has he. He’s a very selfish person and very determined about his decision of breaking up with me. Do I have any chance of making him talk to me again? (thats all I want to have him in my life as a friend). What should I do? Thanks
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    If you want him in your life just as a friend, you are fooling yourself. Your mind is tricking you into thinking you want him as a friend, because accepting that you are going to lose him is much harder. Think about it, how many friendships are forced? If you are this much desperate to be someone’s friend, it’s not really friendship. Friendship is always natural and mutual. Unlike romantic relationships.
    So don’t even try to make him talk to you again. If he wants to be friends, he’ll contact you. If he doesn’t, then you can never be real friends and it’s better that way.
    Reply Link
• Dustin
  Hey Kevin,
  So my girlfriend of 2 years just broke up with me a week ago. I know why she did it, i basically let myself go and stopped caring thinking she wasn’t going anywhere(selfish and dumb on my part) we were madly in love at first and eventually she just faded. I love her and she was insanely in love with me until i started letting myself go. When we broke up she admitted it was hard on her to. But she said she needed time to think on things. 2 days later i pulled a mistake and called her at 3 AM drunk asking for her back and even cried. But she was crying to and continued to tell me we couldn’t be together. After that i started to no contact phase but the thing is there are time we have to come in contact because we have a baby together and she drops the child off most days so she can work. Although she tries to avoid it and tries to get someone else to drop her off there is the odd time we end up seeing each other. But i don’t say much to her just basically say hi and that’s it. Now the last 3 days I’ve been doing things to better myself. I have started a quit smoking program, starting to go to a gym to get fit as i am rather slim. I’ve started eating better and got a haircut. Next two days i go to get new glasses and even contact lenses.
  So basically my questions are 1. What do i do on the times we do have to meet up for the child and 2. what other tips pointers do you have about what i have done so far in the past few days of no contact?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Whenever you meet up for the child, just be polite and treat her with respect. Don’t talk about your personal life and don’t ask about hers. Basically, do what you’ve been doing till now. I think you are doing OK with no contact. Give it a month and then contact her. Also, congrats on starting the quit smoking program. If you need help, search for a book called “Easy way to stop smoking”. It’s one of the best way to stop smoking permanently. I highly recommend it because I quit smoking using that and haven’t touched a cigarette in a year.
    Reply Link
• Jinn
  Hi, my ex recently visited and everything was good with the exception of a few signs he doesn’t respect me anymore. After he left, he said that the bad just outweighs the positive. Do you have any advice on what I should do because at this point, I am just thinking that I should accept him as an Associate?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    If you haven’t already, give him time. A month of no contact can change his perspective.
    Reply Link
• ren
  Me and my partner have recently split up and I have been doing all the no nos after speaking to her I’ve told her id like to have an amicable relationship for the kids , I’m not going to call her for a month however we have had an on and off again relationship for the past four years I’ve made mistakes lied and she has taken me back 4 times but I kept messing up I’m a really great person who has had issues with things in life that I now have overcome, I truly know what I’ve lost and know I can give her what she wants is it too late for me seeing I have been given many chances before ? or can I still win her back. we have two beautiful sons one who is autistic they are my world and so is she…
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Yes, you can win her back. Just give her some time to miss you and make some positive changes in your life. All the best!
    Reply Link
• Cristina
  Hallo Kevin
  My ex break up with two months now, I still feel shit I cannot stop thinking of him. I have been trying so hard to call him, text him even to go to his house begging to take me back but his answer always NO that our relationship doesn’t work and we fight so much. But we were together two year any happy doing so many things together and I was very good and nice to his kids , I was making him happy and he was always said I was the first girlfriend to show him how real love is. Now everything’s looks different he break up with me he doesn’t call or text and I think he doesn’t miss me. His busy with his life and I want him back I do real need your help because I see my life has turn up side down.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Cristina, he does miss you. And he’ll miss you more if you give him a chance to miss you. Apply NC.
    Reply Link
• Jennifer
  Hi kelvin,
  I’m heartbroken. My and my bf used to be good friend in high school back in Asia, we both came to USA for college. We didn’t contacted for few years until his 3rd year in college, I decided to visited him him Chicago. During that visit, we started dating and quickly he was in love with me, although I wasn’t much in love back then. This August will marked our 6 years anniversary. We were engaged the second year and We started living together 4 years ago, he gave up a good job offer and take up a less desire job offer just to stay with me in New York City. I was a student back then, he brought a car because he can drive me to school everyday and oh go work. It was my bad, I took him for granted I thought he would never leave me, he always said I was his soulmates and first love, he can’t imagine life without me and wanted to settle down with me, but i wasn’t ready and always make jokes like how I think of marriage certificate is just a piece of paper, and said i don’t want to settle down just yet… I didn’t finish my college and I still didn’t obtain a driving lisence. He got really upset with me and thinks that he spend so much time driving me to school yet I couldn’t finished my studies , we got in a lot of credit card debts because we always travel during the first two years of our long distant relationship, and after we moved in together, our debts gets up even higher with the rent, car loans and such. .. During the last 2 years of our relationship, his elderly parents in Asia keep wanting him to return home but he refuse to because he know once he’s gone, we will be over and during that time, his relationship with his family are not that great..he also started mentioning how unhappy he is living in nyc and want us to moved back to Chicago, I refuse. He wanted to buy a house in jersey and settle down, I also refuse because I don’t like jersey.. We always fought, but we end up staying together anywhere.. Later when his student visa expire, I told him I can married him so he can get a green card and continue to live here, but I said its going to be a fake marriage since we will get a divorce 2 years later and by the time we are ready, he should proposed again. Just like that we get married but still acted like bf and gf to others.. Untill last year, he finally return home to visit his parents after 4 years.. He changed completely. He will start texting me and said many harsh stuff to me, like how bad I was as a gf, how he couldn’t see me as his future wife anyway and wanted to break up. His dad is old and barely walk and he feel guilty by staying with me or tell me he love me. Later he returned to New York after 3 weeks in Asia, we fought like crazy, I finally returned him the engagement ring and told him he can give it back to me when he’s ready in the future and he accept it. I pretty much made all the mistake under NC rule
  And made him stay. I know he flirted with a girl on Facebook, later he claims that he tried, but it didn’t work out. I start doing laundry for him and start preparing meals for him during this few months. We’ve been on and off until January this year We both went back to asia to visit our parents, we spent 3 weeks there and we both live apart with our own family. We have limited contact, he only text me during that time and he only called me twice on the phone, my family wasn’t happy about it and don’t see us as a happy couple. He threaten to break up again over text message, i refuse to and say we should work it out again. Last week we both flew back to New York, he started to distant himself to me again, and this time he begged me to let him go and claims that although he have feelings towards me but it wasn’t the love he used to have, and everytime when he look at me, he can only see stress and all the credit card debts he accumulate. He say the reason he still stay in New York because he can’t get a job in Asia anymore and he is stuck here with me because he got no money to moved out and he need to make money to pay off all his debts. He even said he would divorce with me and give up his greencard return back to asia If I’m willing to let go. He also say he love USA and dislike asia, but partial reason he wanted to leave because he wants a clean break with me. I stumble across his ipad and saw he took she pics with that Facebook girl, he even kept a single pic of her. I questioned him weather they started the relationship, he said no, he can’t start a new one without ending the old one, I asked him if he fallen for someone else and he said no, he’s not capable of falling for others at the moment. He said if I let him go a year ago, there’s a good chance we will get back together, but now he thinks is none. I asked him if we broke up, is there a chance for us to get back together, he said it’s possible, no one would know what’s the future will be, as long as he’s not married yet and anything is possible but at this moment, he can’t stand with my personality, he can’t see me being his wife with the person I am right now .. I begged him to give us a last chance, he claims he already give me many chances last year and he don’t think it will work, he just wanted to ended it. I agreed to end it as long as we spent out last valentines together. We are considered already break up, but still living together, he’s ok with me sleeping on the same bed but because I snore so loud, I ended up taking the couch. We both can’t afford to move out from the APT now, and he’s been taking about to get a sofa bed in the living room and start living separately. We still talk to each other, but we are no longer intimate in the same APT. I can’t move on, I want him back, what should I do? We are like housemate now, it is so hard to look at him at night and I can’t hug him… The day after tomorrow is valentines day, I asked if we can have a last nice night as a couple together.. I really want to have a romantic evening that end up with a breakup sex,, I know I might sounds crazy but I need it.. I want us to be together again.. But we broke up and live together … A the same time I’m also thinking if I should get a divorce and cut his greencard, this way he will have to return back to asia in 6 months. Because everyone tells me I shouldn’t give him the greencard since he treated me badly last year and he at one point he mentioned that he rather not having it. Kelvin, help me!!! I want us back together! He’s the love of my life, i made stupid mistake in the past and leads to what happened today.. I’ve changed, but he doesn’t think I changed at all. I am more considerate than I used to be back then,, I want him to love me again,,, is that possible? How NC rules work on my case if we live together and he claims that he no longer love me? We’ve been together since August 2008, engaged on September 2009, moved in together June 2010, legally marry Sep 2012, engagement broken and everything start going downhill and on and off since may 2013 and finally broke up feb 2014.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Jennifer,
    I don’t think cutting off his Greencard is going to help you get him back. It’s just going to make him resent you more. Don’t try to hurt him, it’s going to backfire. Since you’ve already made plans for valentine’s, I can only wish you luck.
    As for your situation, you need to apply limited contact and start making some positive changes in your life. That’s your best bet. Start going to Gym, start some new hobbies, do yoga, meditation. Do so for at least 60 days. Hopefully, he’ll get attracted to you again and want to give it another try.
    Reply Link
• burak
  Hi Kevin I have bought the product but my situation is in middle..My girl broke wanted to broke up with me 10 days ago and i accepted gentle and said lest talk face to face last time and if we did not feel same we go our ways. She accepted because she was relaxed that i will not argue about this and make her sad also she shocked..and i wanted to give her some space we did not contac 1 week and we met last monday. it was very good she was shocked how i m responding false friendship issue. She came there to finish everything but when she saw me happy confident and fuuny she was confused and said give me time until tomorrow and i smiled and just i care your emotions and opinions she was shocked again.. i suggested a saturday meeting at there and when we are leaving she tol me i will call you for satuday..now what should i do..i could not decide which stage i m in book..drift , shift or switch..she understand i can be very happy with being friends and told you are so powerful please if we stay friedn dont leave my life..what is my next move which stage i m in i m really confused because we are not contacting from monday last meeting but she did not told me that ok we are friends or we are continiung or smthg like that..
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey,
    Just act the same way you did in the last meeting. You’ll do great.
    Reply Link
• Angela
  Hi Kevin,
  My ex boyfriend broke up with me after dating for 1 year and 8 months saying that he feels that i do not understand him and support him the way he feels i should. He said that he loves and cares for me deeply however right now he does not want me. Does this mean that we do not have a chance to be together again? I told him that i think we should start again and forget about the past but that still did not work. .I believe that it is definitely something that can be worked on, however i do not want to get my hopes up just in case he does not want to get back with me. what do i do? I have not spoken to him since the breakup although it has been hard and unfortunately we work together so i will see him once every week. Please give me advice thanks.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Angela,
    When you see him, act to him politely but don’t talk about anything personal. Other than that, follow the plan. Make positive changes in your life, it’s going to help a lot.
    Reply Link
• Marissa
  Hi Kevin,
  My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me recently out of the blue. We had a great relationship (at least in my eyes) and he was always honest with me about everything. He showed a great deal of respect and care for me. But after not contacting me for 2 days, he sends me a text saying that we need to talk. We meet up at my house and he drops the bomb. He says that the way that his life is headed, he does not see us being together. He didn’t really give a reason. He also said that he did not care as much as I did and that he made his decision and I can’t get him back. But again, he didn’t really give a reason. This just literally came out of nowhere. Whenever we were together he always showed a great deal of affection and care. His family knows me. We’ve hung out together with them at gatherings. The worst part of all is that we work in the same building and his brother is my supervisor. He wasn’t cruel or cold about the breakup at all. He was sweet and genuine but it still broke my heart. He says we can be friends but obviously, I’m writing you on this website because I want him back. I have not contacted him since the breakup (it was only 2 days ago) and after reading this article I will continue not to contact him. But I miss him dearly. In retrospect, I did have a lot of issues that I needed to work on (self esteem, confidence wasn’t all that great) and maybe he just couldn’t take it anymore. I’m not so sure. He was wonderful and nurturing and although our relationship wasn’t perfect, it was something that I could say is worth fighting for. He said he didn’t want to lead me on into thinking that he wanted to continue in this relationship. He was saying all these things without telling me where they came from. It seemed to have been built up for a while and he couldn’t hold back anymore. But he never acted that way when we were together. He was funny, attentive and smart and wouldn’t ignore me. He would apologize whenever necessary and had no problem admitting he was wrong. Some of the things I’ve done with him and told him I’ve never done with any other man. This is why the breakup is confusing. There were no red flags or warning signs. Please tell me there is hope.
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    There’s definitely hope. I don’t know what was his real reason for breakup was, but I do know that if you follow the plan, he’ll feel insanely attracted to you again.
    Reply Link
• Victor
  Hey Kevin,
  So me and my ex were together for almost 2 years. She’s in 3rd year university and I recently started my first job after graduation in Sept last year. Things between us were great till I began my work. I used to have more time for us and we would hang out often. But since I started work, which is located 1.5 hrs long bus ride away from home, my time with her decreased dramatically. 5 days of the week I would be at work from 9-6. We only had time once or twice a week after her late classes and we would meet in the evening for coffee for 30-45 mins. As a result of this we stopped communicating as much with each other. We would talk and vent about our problems but never connect and have intimate conversations. This went on for 2 months and we both knew things aren’t the same as before. We both wanted to deal with this but literally didn’t have time. She was always stressed about school and I used to be exhausted after work. We then decided to talk things out after her exams but then I left for vacation to my homeland and we were separated for 6 weeks. We would text everyday but about general stuff. Then suddenly she texted me one days saying she is tired of everything. She says we aren’t growing together anymore and that she is not in love with me. She says that she feels things can never go back to the way they were and that its the end. She says she needs to find her own happiness and doesn’t know who she is as a person outside the relationship.
  Thing is we grew distant slowly and the time away made things worse. Initially when I was bombarded with this I did all the things in Step #1. I was needy and desperate and wanted her to think things through. All this happened 2 weeks ago. She then later called me couple of days later saying she genuinely wants to be alone and find out who she is. She said she wants me to know that just because we broke up she isn’t going to spend all her time with friends and party. She said if we are meant to be together we will find each other in the future. We met up again 4 days ago as she wanted to return some of my stuff. I told her that life circumstances and lack of communication lead us down this road . For a change it actually looked like she was absorbing what I was saying to her.
  In the end I told her that I can’t be friends. She said she will call me once a week and if I pick up it means I am ok to be friends and that if I don’t means I am not. I told her that I will always answer her calls because they could be for an emergency or anything. But if she calls me as friends for a general chat I will ignore her. Also if she feels that she wants to talk about a potential us and maybe work on some of the issues..she can call.
  After that we haven’t spoken. She messaged once saying she likes the cream I got her. I just replied saying – I’m glad you like it. It’s been a few days and there has been no contact.
  I genuinely care for this girl and feel we left things unfinished. I feel we need to atleast try to work on the issues and see what it leads to. At this point I don’t know what to do. Obviously I feel miserable and am trying to distract myself from her. I don’t know if she will ever contact me again.
  But for now I want to know what I should be doing and what I should/shouldn’t expect from her.
  Thanks
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    You should be concentrating on yourself. You should try to be happy in your life without her. It’s only been a few days of no contact, so wait for 30 days and if after that you still feel like you want her back, contact her. She will probably try to contact you, but it doesn’t mean anything. She seems to be set on being friends. It’s good you made it clear that you don’t want to be friends. Give her time to figure out what she wants in life. This way, if you do get back together, she’ll be in it for the long haul.
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• Joel
  Hey Kevin,
  My girlfriend broke up with me about a week ago. We were dating for around 3 months (I know its not that long). And I know how much I love her and she always told me how much she loves me. She always said she was planning on spending the rest of her life with me and that if we ever broke up she would never want another guy. I know we moved kind of fast, but at the time it seemed so natural because we were insanely attracted to eachother. We fought alot, Id said once a week, but I we always made up and we were happy again. She said she hated fighting with me, which is the reason she broke up–she said she was to burnt out.
  Right after she broke up with me she calls me, and says that she is afraid she is going to lose me forever, and asks that if she wants to hangout can we still? Being stubborn, I rely I dont know if we can, we will see. But about two hours later, it sunk in and i called her back crying and begging. She didnt have any of it, and she said im sorry I cant do this right now. Anyways two days after I show up to her dance competition with flowers and basically apologized for everything. I apologized for all the fights yet she still said she cant do this.
  She texted me the very next day saying she got into a car crash but shes not fine and not to worry. I said im so sorry do you want me to come get you and she said no. I also asked her if she still loves me and she said she does but dont get your hopes up because she doesnt want to hurt me. She said if she ever wants this relationship again she will come to me. Im so worried that she will find somebody else in the next month because she has done that in the past with her relationship lasting more than a year. I was not the rebound relationship but Im just afraid she will be with another guy, because she is a very desirable woman. She also is having troubles with her family, as her father is divorcing her mother. Is there still hope?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Yes there’s hope. Give no contact a try. And when you contact her, don’t show any signs of neediness.
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• Liza
  Hi Kevin,
  Me and my boy been together for almost a year. we didn’t any problem but his family doesn’t like me. and he is to close to his family. it’s been 2 months he is always stress and stop seeing me. Hes saying just move one with your life but I know he love me too.
  I was following every step for 3 weeks and it was working but unfortunately, last Saturday it was our anniversary so i send him chocolates box and his brother got that box and he got angry again. I asked him to see me so we can talk but he said he will never see me. what should i do?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Start all over again. This time, send him the letter.
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• A
  hey,
  my ex boyfriend broke up with me about 2 and 1/2 months ago.. we dated for almost 2 and 1/2 years and are practically the same person. he ended it because he said he was not happy anymore and that he could not love me the way that i loved him.. we both had rough semesters leading up to the break up and also started talking about the future. i think he freaked out. this was both of ours first serious long term relationship. and we were crazy about each other. i have not talked to him for nearly 2 months because he said he needed space to find himself again. he had been feeling like he was falling out of love for about 2-3 months pre-breakup, but never mentioned it to me.. in fact, he started to become an unreal boyfriend in this time (not saying he was terrible before.. he was terrific) so i would not suspect he was losing feelings. he tried really hard on his own to stay in it. he said breaking up with me was the hardest thing he has ever done… and that he was hurting. we go to school together so i have to see him nearly every day so it is hard on me. i love him very much, he was my best friend. we had communication issues, but besides that, we fit like a glove. i always tried to work on our communication but he couldnt over come vulnerability and opening up. what do you think, do we have a chance, or should i let him go?
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Well, you do have a chance, but still I’d recommend you let him go. At least for the time being. If it’s meant to be, you’ll get back together in the future. Since you are young and this was your first relationship, I think it’s better if you branch out and see what else is out there.
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• Sarah
  Hey! My boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me about 3 weeks ago b/c he said he loves me but is not in love with me anymore and that I start too many fights with him. After a couple weeks of NC, I called him one night and he answered, we talked for over an hour and he told me that he still cares about me, thinks about me, and “stalks my fb” and that when he sees anything about me moving on it hurts him. The next day he sent me a couple snapchats and then came and visited me at work. He gave me a huge hug and we talked casually, then he just grabbed my face and kissed me! We hugged and kissed a few more times (and both agreed it felt good) and made plans to hang out in the next week. When the day came to hang out he cancelled and said it was a bad idea b/c he “has too many feelings” for me and “wants to get over me.” I completely screwed up by then sending him like 10 text messages pleading my case, I pretty much embarrassed myself. Then he said the next day that we need to stop talking and move on from each other. I am starting the NC today, but tomorrow is Valentine’s Day which KILLS me, I can’t stop thinking about him and how much fun he is having with friends, without me :’-( Is there hope for us???
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Yes, there’s hope. Follow the plan.
    Reply Link
• Casey
  Hey Kevin,
  My ex-boyfriend and I broke up one year ago after dating for three years, but continued to see each other and be friends with benefits for the next year after that…I made the mistake of being dependent on him and showing that I still really liked him, wanted him, etc. He essentially was able to date other girls but also have me on the side whenever he wanted which was a big mistake on my part. I hooked up with other guys too, but it was clear to both of us that I mainly wanted him. A week ago he decided to dump me for good but he was sad about doing it and said he didn’t want to see me go, that I was a good person and deserved better than him because recently he’s treated me badly, won’t return my calls, ignore my pleas to get back together, he doesn’t want a relationship because we’re in college and he wants to branch out but I do want a relationship, etc. He said he still wants to see me but we shouldn’t hook up anymore and shouldn’t date…
  I know he’s right that we need to branch out and see what else is out there (we were each other’s first everything) but I want to get back together with him eventually…
  I’ve been in No Contact with him for 9 days now. What do you suggest for getting an ex back who I was friends with benefits with for a whole year after the first break up? Since sleeping with an ex/letting him have you on the side is such a bad thing to do?
  Please help!
  Reply Link
  • Kevin
    Hey Casey,
    Yes, it was a mistake to let him sleep with you for an entire year. But the plan for you remains the same. Except, I’ll recommend you actually branch out and start dating. Keep no contact for a while, and if you think you are ready for it, start a relationship with someone else. If after dating other guys and being in a relationship with someone else, you still want to get back with him, then you can contact him and see if he’s interested.
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    • Casey
      I’m just nervous that while I date someone else he’ll get angry, date someone else as well, and then he’ll move on…I couldn’t stand that. How can I prevent that from happening?
      Reply Link
• Liza
  Hey Kevin,
  I told him I won’t ask you to see me if you don’t want to see me. And I stop contacting him from yesterday. Is there any hope? As I told you he do whatever his family want and his family doesn’t want him to marry me
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• Tan
  Hi Kevin, my bf and I broke up about 36 days ago and the NC only started 26 days ago. Although I no longer grieve and am no longer thinking about the insecurity that I will get if he got back with me, I am feeling rather excited that the NC is about to be over! The NC period made me realized that while it’s true that I don’t need my bf to be happy, I find that he’s someone I want to share my happiness with. I tried keeping myself busy working, exercising etc, but now that the NC period is about to be over, I find myself thinking about him a lot lately, thinking about the happy times we used to spend with each other etc. I wish he is the same too but am unsure since we haven spoke 1 to 1 for so long. And because I am excited about lifting the NC, I don’t know if I am truly ready to speak to him as a friend and start over or is it because I have yet to let go of the old relationship? Is it normal for me to feel this way?